


Vacant Soul

by Jeanne1900



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Gore, Depression, Drug Abuse, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Mentions of Suvival's Guilt, Self-Acceptance, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2020-12-23 13:10:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 76,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21081422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeanne1900/pseuds/Jeanne1900
Summary: After the war, things have been difficult for Sakura. The war and its aftermath have made it impossible for her to overcome her grief. As she slips further into the darkness that has become a constant and reliable companion to her, Shikamaru tries to show her that not all is lost. Will she listen to him and try to crawl out of the depth of her despair, or will she succumb to the darkness within her?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Naruto or any of Kishimoto's characters.
> 
> This is my first fanfiction, so please be patient with me. Constructive criticism is appreciated.
> 
> English is not my first language, so please excuse any of the grammar mistakes that I am sure are there.
> 
> This story is finished, and I will publish regularily.
> 
> Enjoy!

Sakura tiredly brushed a hand through her pink tresses as she walked home from two particularly exhausting double shifts at the hospital. The night air shifted around her, not cool enough to give her a brief relief from the unbearable summer heat that had been going on for over three weeks now. There had been an increase in patients that suffered from heat strokes and the likes because they had underestimated the heat. Most of them were civilians, who weren’t trained to meticulously take care of their bodies like the shinobi were.

Today, however, had been different. At two o’clock in the afternoon Sakura had been called into an emergency, as she had hurriedly donned her white coat in her office, and briskly walked down to the emergency ward. The nurse, who had rushed into her office unannounced and out of breath, followed beside her and briefed her on the case. Three Genin, two in critical condition, the other one, a boy, had severe burns down his chest but was in stable condition. The other two hadn’t been as lucky. Severe burns marred their faces and torsos, their skin had been charred black and at places it had peeled off to reveal bones and other tissues. Their hair had been burned away, with only a few tufts peeking out here and there.

It had been a training session gone wrong. The boy that wasn’t in critical condition had used a fire jutsu in the heat of the battle, one that he hadn’t practiced before, and one that had caught the other two completely unaware. He lost control of the jutsu, too late to stop burning his two teammates, and burned himself in the process. Their teacher had immediately called for help and brought them to the hospital.

Sakura had barely looked at the teacher as she walked by him and entered the emergency ward only meant for staff. But she could clearly see the worry and guilt marring the lines of his face. And the spark of hope as he saw her walk by. She hated that most. She hated that they hoped that she would make everything better. Hated that they expected her to make everything better.

She always made things worse.

The nurse led her to the designated surgery room and helped her put on the masks and gloves. She turned to her two patients, some other doctors awaiting her assessment and orders. She took a look at the two unconscious forms, and immediately lamented the fact that they would retain heavy scarring, that every time they looked in the mirror, they would remember the pain, the fire.

If they survived.

She quickly tried to put it out of her mind. She had to concentrate on saving their lives first. Pain was, after all, part of being a shinobi. She knew that all too well.

They had worked all afternoon when the girl died. Sakura had tried to revive her, pounded her chest desperately for what felt like minutes, when finally, she had to give up. She tried to remind herself that she could not save everyone.

But she knew that when she would arrive home, she would go over the surgery, over what she could have done differently. Over how she maybe could have saved the girl.

Then the other doctors reminded her that there was one other patient in the room, and they had worked on him until late in the night. He had survived, but even that small victory couldn’t uplift her mood.

She had failed.

_Again_. As the other healers and nurses congratulated each other on the success of the surgery, Sakura locked these emotions away somewhere deep inside, hoping that they would stay there. Then she turned to her colleagues and gave them further instructions on how to deal with the boy, before she went into the direction of the teacher so that she could give him the news.

The good and the bad.

When she reached the corridor from before, it was to see that the parents of the children had also arrived. They sat there anxiously awaiting the results, holding each other in their arms, murmuring encouragement to each other. Sakura hated this part of her job. Telling them they had lost their loved ones, seeing the devastation on their faces made it harder for Sakura to remember why she continued to do this.

Why she forced herself to do this.

With a sigh she approached the parents. She wished she knew which were the girl’s and the boy’s parents, so she could give the information separately. But she didn’t, and so she had to inform them this way. She saw hope in their eyes.

She hated hope. Because what followed hope was disappointment. And disappointment always remembered her of lilac eyes. She hated thinking of lilac eyes.

When she told them the bad news first, the mother on her right sacked to the ground, her hand trying and failing to muffle her sobs. The father had a stoic expression on his face as he lowered himself to the ground and assisted her up once again. Then he grabbed the shoulders of his wife, supporting her as they followed a nurse to see the body of their dead child for one last time. They didn’t curse her, didn’t blame her for the death of their child.

They didn’t have to. Their eyes said it all. And she blamed herself for not being able to save her.

Then she told the other parents. Relief was palpable on their faces. It was obvious to her that they had feared the same had happened to their child. They thanked her profoundly and then went to visit their children. Sakura turned and took a look at the teacher.

As a fellow shinobi he knew the risks, knew that death was lurking behind every corner, waiting patiently until striking suddenly and without mercy. His expression, if you could call it that, was blank. He didn’t display any emotions, a stark contrast to when he arrived, when the guilt and worry had been palpable in the air. She knew that it was protective mechanism. Don’t show any emotions before the enemy. Before _anyone_. She had done it many times before. She was doing it right now.

Before the war she would have put a comforting hand on his shoulders. Maybe she would have talked to him, reassured him that this is what happens, that this was not entirely his fault. But now she couldn’t muster up the strength to do that. Instead, she turned around without saying anything.

She had worked for two days straight and she felt it in the heaviness of her limbs, the ache in her bones. The village was quiet, even peaceful as she walked. The only light source was the moon shining brightly in the sky. No clouds could be seen in the clear night sky. Shaking her head, she tried to think of other things. Anything but clouds. Anything but _him_.

She heard quick footsteps behind her, and she turned around to see who it was. She inwardly cursed the universe as she saw Shikamaru catch up to her with quick steps. This was becoming a regular occurrence. She didn’t like that.

“Sakura”, he said while he slowed his steps as he pulled up next to her, and she plastered a smile on her face that she hoped looked genuine.

“Shikamaru, are you headed home as well?”. He looked the same as always, dark hair held in a pony, a relaxed expression on his face. As always, he was wearing the usual Jounin gear, a green west above a dark T-shirt, his arms covered by his usual mesh shirt. She turned back to the road and started walking at the same slow pace as Shimamura, trying hard not to look at his face.

Trying hard not to show her exhaustion on her face.

“Ah, yeah, finally finished with all the paperwork. Man, if I had known that being a Jounin commander was this much work I would have reconsidered. What a drag.” She snorted at that. He closed his eyes and sighed as he pushed his hands into the pockets of his pants. The motion had briefly made their arms touch, and she slightly flinched at the warmth of his skin against hers. She moved away a few inches, but he didn’t seem to notice. They remained silent as they walked side by side towards her apartment.

She didn’t really want the company, especially not one that had exceptional observational capabilities as Shikamaru’s did. For a few days now, he had kept appearing around her, was there when she finished with work and walked her home. She would see him walking by more often than before, always greeting her and trying to involve her in a conversation. And when he wasn’t there, she felt like someone was watching her, and she would turn around discreetly but see no one there.

Maybe she was getting paranoid.

She had tried to avoid him, but she wondered now if he had noticed. And it wasn’t like he was the only one she had avoided. She had practically avoided everyone with the excuse that work was just so hectic. She just didn’t have the motivation to go out and drink with them, pretending to be happy, as she _should_ be.

As everyone else was.

She was comfortable with this. Silence. She tried to stifle a yawn, not quiet succeeding as she put a hand in front of her mouth to cover it.

“Long night?”

“Mhh, yeah.”

“Another double shift?”

“Actually, I worked two double shifts. Now I just want to fall into bed and sleep for a week.” Or a month. Or a year. Maybe forever.

“Heard what happened with the Genin team.” She could feel his gaze on her, but she refused to look at him. Was he here to comfort her? She was glad that just then another yawn sneaked up on her, so she didn’t need to answer immediately.

“Yeah.” She couldn’t wait for this conversation to end. Luckily her apartment was just down the street. Just a few more minutes of strained conversation to go until she could finally fall into sweet oblivion.

“Hmmm…”

They fell silent again, walking in companionable silence next to each other. It looked like he was in deep thought. Or maybe he was just really tired. Without her noticing they had reached her apartment complex and stopped walking. She turned to face him and saw him staring at her as if he wasn’t quite seeing her, as if he was thinking about something else entirely.

“Shikamaru?”, he blinked a few times and his eyes started to focus again. She gave him what she hoped was a tired smile, but what felt like a grimace. “Good night. See you around.”

“Good night Sakura.” She turned to the door when she heard him walk on, probably towards the Nara compound. When she closed the door behind her she thought she heard him say something else, but she couldn’t make out the words. Too tired she just continued up the stairs until she reached the third floor and entered her apartment.

She rented a small two room apartment with one bedroom and a living room that she scarcely used. She was barely home with the way she kept working double and triple shifts, the only room that was lived in was her bedroom. Tiredly, she considered making something small to eat before heading to bed, but her empty fridge reminded her that she had to go grocery shopping tomorrow. With a sigh she went into her bedroom and took off her clothes, then threw them onto the chair in the corner to sort them out tomorrow, too exhausted to care about the mess.

With a thud she threw herself into her bed and covered herself with a blanket hoping she would fall asleep soon. But like so many other nights before, sleep eluded her. She turned and repositioned herself, but even then, she failed to fall asleep. She remembered the surgeries, thought about everything she did, what she didn’t do, what she could have done better.

_You couldn’t save her. And you call yourself the legendary Tsunade-hime’s apprentice. I wonder when people will realize just how much of a hoax you really are. _

_You couldn’t save her, or Neji, or your unit, or you parents either._

And wasn’t that just perfect? Everyone admired her. But she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was a failure. She had failed. So many times.

With a frustrated sigh she got up and turned on the lamp on the bedside table. Gnawing on her lower lip she slowly opened the drawer where she could find a small bottle of sleeping pills that she had secretly nabbed from the hospital.

Hospital staff had strict regulations regarding medication. You couldn’t take pills without the consent of another medic, a rule that had been invented after two medics on separate occasions had performed surgery high on pills and almost lost a life. After those incidences it was clear that hospital staff wasn’t an exception to drug abuse.

Sakura knew she had a problem. Half a year after the war she had started using sleeping pills, unable to take the sleepless nights anymore. She hadn’t been able to take the nightmares. So, she had tried not to sleep and instead healed the tiredness away. But using healing jutsu on oneself was risky, and carried the danger of permanently damaging one’s boy, and as an expert healer she had known where her limits lied. So, she had turned to sleeping pills, in the hopes that they would take away the nightmares.

So, she wouldn’t have to face them anymore. The dead faces.

The guilt.

The disappointment.

The lilac eyes.

And it had been almost too easy to steal the pills. After the war, the confusion and chaos had continued for some months, and due to the rising of rebel groups not affiliated to any villages, the aftermath of the war had been going on for quite some time, adding to the confusion and chaos.

And it had been easy, almost too easy to steal the sleeping pills when everyone was too busy, too distracted to notice the disappearance of a few bottle of pills. And no one would even suspect her. She was a paramount, a shining example of a virtuous medic. She was one of the famous rookie nine, she was Naruto’s, the next Hokage’s, teammate, and one of the legendary war heroes.

Sakura could her chest painfully constricting by the sheer _need _to take the pill. She knew she had a problem. As she opened up the cap, she realized just how fucked up she was. Her hands were shaking so much that it was difficult to open it, to take one of the pills and hold it in her palm. For a second she thought of not doing it. But then, her body was on autopilot, she put the pill into her mouth and swallowed.

With a relieved sigh she closed the small bottle and put it back into the drawer of her nightstand. She shut of the light and settled back into the folds of her bed. Almost serenely, she closed her eyes.

And no one would know that she sometimes wished would never open them again.


	2. Chapter 2

Sakura woke up slowly, as if in haze. Something had woken her up and after a few seconds she realized why. Someone was pounding on her door. And calling her name. For a moment she contemplated not answering and just going back to sleep. She peeked out from under the covers and looked at her alarm o’clock at the bedside table. It was only 12 o’clock, meaning she had slept for less than 7 hours. After working two days straight, that was definitely not enough.

The banging continued even more enthusiastically, as if spurned on by the lack of response. Sometimes she hated being friends with that energetic idiot.

“Sakura-chan, come on, open the door!” With a groan she pulled back the covers and stood up. Not bothering to put on pants she walked to the door in just panties and a t-shirt, the usual get up when she slept. She had been on missions with Naruto for years, and the nature of some of those missions had meant that they had seen pretty much everything that there was to see.

With an annoyed expression she opened the door and revealed a surprised Naruto that had just been about to pound on the door once again. Taking in her appearance, Naruto stuttered for a bit and then walked into the apartment without being invited. Rolling her eyes at his invasion of privacy that really didn’t surprise her in the least, she closed the door and followed him into the living room.

“Sakura-chan listen, listen!”

“Yeah, yeah, what is it Naruto?” she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror on the wall and realized just how rumpled she looked. Belatedly, she brushed a hand through her tousled hair to somehow bring some semblance of order to her appearance. Naturally, she failed at that.

“…is back! He’ll be staying for a while he said, at least a month! We should go celebrate at Ichiraku’s. He’ll meet us there.” In her stupor she had only caught part of what he was saying. He looked at her with a bright and excited expression and a big smile on his face. Blinking once and twice she responded.

“Wait what? Who came back?” Naruto’s expression darkened for a split second and then cleared after he took in her appearance once more. He must have realized that her head was still not fully awake as he repeated what he had said to her earlier.

“Sasuke, Sasuke’s back! He’s meeting us at Ichiraku’s in half an hour, he needs to debrief the Kakashi-sensei first and then we can celebrate with ramen!” Sakura groaned on the inside at his enthusiasm. So Sasuke was back. That explained his excitement. He hadn’t been this happy and full of energy since Sasuke had left the village more than half a year ago. For a brief moment she remembered his solemn and sad face as he watched his long-time friend leave the village, in search of retribution and answers.

She forced a smile on her face. “So, he’s finally back? Listen, I know this is a big deal for you, but I barely slept last night after two double shifts, and I really want to go back to sleep. Can’t we postpone this?” Naruto’s face fell, his earlier excitement gone completely. She felt a little bad, but she could feel a pounding headache already forming in the back of her head due to lack of sleep.

“Come on Sakura! We haven’t talked in ages, and we haven’t seen the bastard in over half a year!” She could see how important this was for Naruto, and with a sigh and a pained smile she gave in.

“Alright fine. Let me just grab a shower, you said we are meeting in half an hour?” she said while already heading towards her bedroom to search for an outfit to wear later. In just a few seconds she had chosen some black pants and a green shirt. She wasn’t on duty today, so she didn’t have to go to the hospital. She had looked forward to spending the day in her apartment sleeping and maybe reading a book that she had loaned from the library more than two months ago and never opened, but she knew that avoiding Sasuke would make Naruto even more annoying than he usually was.

When she came back to the living room it was to find that Naruto was just about to leave out of the window that looked out on her balcony, telling her that he would meet her at Ichiraku’s. With a sigh she closed the window after him and headed to the shower. She still felt woozy from being woken abruptly by Naruto and swayed slightly when she stepped into the shower. With a start she realized that she was still feeling the effects of the sleeping pills she had taken few hours ago. She tiredly rubbed her face under the warm spray of the shower and just stood there enjoying the warmth.

She wished she could just enjoy one day without being forced to interact with anyone. It wasn’t like she didn’t like her friends, it was just that she would like to have one day for herself, immersing herself in a fantasy world where people didn’t die on her table, where she didn’t have to force herself to feel or to pretend. Where she could just be.

She cleaned the soot and sweat from the last two days away methodically and then put on her clothes. After looking in the mirror she decided to put on some make up to cover up the black rings beneath her eyes. She felt exhausted just looking at her face, and she knew that the short hours of sleep weren’t enough to dispose of the tiredness that had taken deep root within her bones. Resigning herself to her fate, she collected her wallet and keys and then headed to Ichiraku’s.

Sasuke and Naruto were already seated at the stall, Naruto clearly inhaling the ramen instead of eating it, and Sasuke slowly eating his portion in an orderly fashion. As much as one could eat ramen in an orderly fashion anyway, with the soup splashing everywhere.

“Sasuke. How have you been?” she greeted him and sat next to Naruto, ordering a Miso ramen for herself, taking in her other teammates appearance. Sasuke hadn’t changed. The black cloak hid the rest of his clothes, with only the black pants slightly peeking out from under it. His hair was obscuring half of face, his skin was still as pale as ever.

“Hn. The same as always.”

He didn’t offer any other information and frankly she wasn’t really interested anyway. Their relationship had deteriorated greatly since he became a missing shinobi, and her romantic feelings had disappeared altogether during the war. She was glad that he was back in the village, but that was it. She knew that Naruto had cared, no, still cared greatly about Sasuke, and she was glad that their friendship, if tentative at first, had been reestablished.

Naruto stopped inhaling his ramen, probably waiting for another serving, and started babbling to the both of them in his usual excited and enthusiastic voice as always. Some things never change. When the bowl of miso ramen was put in front of her, she started eating it slowly so that she wouldn’t have to participate in the conversation any more than with an appreciative “hmm” and “ahhh”. Sasuke and Naruto didn’t seem to care, too caught up in their own world. Sometimes she wondered how the two of them hadn’t become more than friends. Sometimes she thought that they behaved exactly like a couple.

But feelings shouldn’t be forced. She knew this better than anyone else. And if they wanted to continue dancing around each other she wouldn’t intervene. It would be too much trouble anyway. Sakura had just finished half of her ramen, but the sudden shift in thought had dug out feelings she had shoved deep down and locked away. Feelings of desperation and disappointment, memories of being rejected. And the hopelessness whenever she saw one of her friends happily in a relationship, and the sheer need for affection, for someone to be next to her.

But some things aren’t meant to be, and Sakura had long since accepted that she would end up alone, all her friends already having paired up. She needed to accept and be satisfied with the things she already had. Her work. Her friends.

Sometimes she wondered if she would ever feel anything other than sadness and frustration. If she ever could forget the war, the pain, the death, the mistakes. But then she reminded herself that she should never forget. These were her mistakes, and she had to own up to them.

Naruto was still chattering next to her, regaling them with funny stories from the office or the school where he would sometimes stop by and teach to get away from the burdensome expectations of the village. She forced herself to laugh at the right moments, and she felt that it wasn’t even difficult to do. She had become used to pretending.

She watched as Sasuke became more and more impatient and annoyed by the forced social interaction. Being by himself for so long must have made it difficult for him to be in social settings for prolonged amounts of times. She understood. She felt like that all the time too.

“Naruto, don’t you have to head back to the tower? I’m sure Kakashi-sensei will appreciate you helping out some more.”

“Ehhh Sakura, but it’s been so long since I’ve seen Sasuke! I want to spend more time with him.” Sasuke’s eyebrow twitched dangerously at Naruto’s exclamation.

“I need to have my apartment sorted anyway. I’ve been away for too long. I’ll see you later Naruto, Sakura.” With that Sasuke was gone, leaving a few bills behind to pay for his portion of lunch. Naruto deflated and pouted and then he too said his goodbyes and headed towards the tower. Sakura sighed. Naruto had again forgotten to pay for his portion, and she took out the right amount of money to pay Teuchi.

“Thanks, it was delicious as always Teuchi.”

“Come by again soon!”

Deciding that she wanted to enjoy the breeze a bit longer she headed towards the forest. There on top of a small hill she was far away enough so no one would bother her, and she could take a small nap enjoying the light summer breeze. She lied down in the shadow of a big oak tree, the leaves rustling gently in the wind. She put both of her arms behind her head to make a small cushion and then closed her eyes.

_First came the sounds. Through the haze she could hear the clanking of metal on metal, the screams of terror and pain. Then she felt the cold droplets of rain. Few at first, then, as if to underline the emotions inside of her, like a roar, almost bruising her skin in their rush to reach the ground. She didn’t feel cold anymore. Her limbs felt numb, but she continued to through the motions. _

_Standing still meant death. So she moved, watching her surroundings, defending against the flying kunai and occasional bombs. She had to move forward. They needed to reach the next safe zone, or their team wouldn’t survive any longer. They had been travelling nonstop for two days, and even though as a medic she was used to not sleeping for longer periods of time, her team was a different matter altogether. They didn’t have much chakra left. _

_Their platoon had faced too many battles. Their captain, a Jounin from Kiri had given his life so that they could get away. As Sakura had looked back over her shoulder, she saw him being skewered through the chest and stomach by a white Zetsu. As she was the only Jounin left, even though she was a medic and thus only encompassed a supportive role, she was named captain by remaining team. She had taken lead, but they had been unlucky. The rain had made it that much harder to move, having transformed the ground into a muddy field. _

_Her team was exhausted, and because of the many fights they had to face, some of them against the reanimated, others against a myriad of white Zetsu, had depleted their number. They had been a group of twelve. Now there were only six left, including her. _

_As she punched through another row of Zetsu, she heard a cry of despair behind her. As she looked behind her, she realized that her team had been surrounded, and one after another fell to the ground as they were killed. _

_“Captain!” a chuunin girl from Konoha called in a panicked voice. Sakura couldn’t remember her name. Sakura concentrated some of her chakra into her leg, hoping to reach her in time, but she had been too late. The girl fell to the ground just as Sakura arrived in front of her, and her blood squirted onto her face. Sakura didn’t care. She watched in horror as a Zetsu held up her subordinate’s head, her face frozen in the moment of her death. Her mouth wide open as if she wanted to scream and her eyes widened in shock. Blood trickled down the side of her mouth. More rained down on the earth where her head had been separated from her body mixing with the brown of the dirty mud. _

Sakura opened her eyes when she smelt a familiar aroma. She turned her head slightly to the side to see familiar sight. Shikamaru was lying beside her, one arm behind his back, the other resting at his side with the hand placed on his stomach. His eyes were closed as if he was sleeping, a cigarette loosely held between his lips.

“Slacking off Shikamaru?” she said in a teasing voice tinged with tiredness due to her sudden awaking from the nightmare. She hadn’t expected to see Shikamaru here. He usually worked during the day, helping out at the tower and learning how to take over once Naruto took the seat from Kakashi-sensei. A slow inhale was the only response she received, and she turned back to look at the sky. There were no clouds, only the vast blue of the sky visible through the leaves of the tree. She surmised that she hadn’t been napping for long, only for an hour before she had been woken by the smell of his cigarettes.

“Me slacking off? Never. Couldn’t sleep?” she snorted. She could sleep all day long if she wanted to. It was the nightmares that were the problem. But that was something she wouldn’t tell anyone.

“No, Naruto woke me up. Sasuke’s back and we went to eat some ramen.” As _always, _she didn’t need to say. She stretched her arms and let out a satisfied hum. She sat up lazily, not ready to wake up just yet. She still felt drowsy.

“You know those will kill you right?”

He cracked open an eye and looked at her. She watched fascinated as he took another drag, then lifted the cigarette from his mouth to puffed out the smoke. She looked away again.

“Yeah, so Ino and you keep telling me.” She couldn’t help but quirk her lips at that. For a moment that is. With a tired sigh she stood up and stretched her arms behind her head again. She still needed to do some shopping before she could go home.

“Well, don’t slack off too much Shikamaru, I need to get going, still have some shopping to do.”

“Yeah, yeah, I won’t.” he nonchalantly said while taking another drag. Then he flipped the cigarette away and stood up slowly, as if gravity itself was hindering him from standing up. He put his hands into the pockets of his pants.

As she headed towards the village, she heard him say her name, so she stopped and turned back.

“Sakura.” She looked at him suddenly nervous by his serious tone. Her heart skipped a beat as she saw him look at her. She felt like he could see inside her, see her deepest secrets, her deepest fears. She didn’t like that.

“Do you want to have – “, before he could finish his sentence an ANBU appeared next to them interrupting their conversation. Sakura was glad. She didn’t want him to end that sentence.

“Haruno-sama, you are requested at the hospital immediately.” With that the ANBU disappeared leaving the two of them looking at the patch of grass he had kneeled at earlier. Shikamaru looked slightly annoyed by the interruption but didn’t say anything.

“Sorry, see you around Shikamaru.” As she made the seals for Shunshin, she thought she heard him say. “_Troublesome._”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think about this chapter?


	3. Chapter 3

Sakura worked through the night again. By the time the emergency was handled, she was exhausted, but there was no time to idle about. She took another look at the still unconscious Genin members and found nothing amiss. After that she was fully preoccupied with the busy schedule of the hospital, making her rounds, checking the injured, and doing some paperwork. There were more than enough patients, especially in a village full of shinobi. She didn't even realized it was morning until a nurse had gently reminded her to head home, that everything was under wraps and that they didn’t need her anymore. She was told not to come back before she had sufficiently rested. She didn’t object.

The village was slowly awakening around her as she headed home. She could feel a dull headache forming behind her forehead, a result of the lack of sleep in the last few days, weeks even, and the hectic schedule she had upheld to keep herself busy.

She reached her apartment without meeting anybody and went inside. Realizing that she had again forgotten to go shopping, she went to bed without eating again. It wasn’t like she was hungry anyway.

She didn’t even hesitate to take two pills this time, quickly shoving them into her mouth and swallowing them. One dose wasn’t enough anymore, because she felt the nightmares creeping back to the surface, something she wanted to avoid at all cost.

With a content sigh she went to bed, hoping for a peaceful sleep.

She awoke again to the pounding on her door. This really had to stop. With a groan she stood up realizing that some time must have passed as there was no light filtering into the room. It must already be evening. Had she slept so long? She had gone to bed around six, so she must have slept more than twelve hours. Thanks to the pills, she hadn't dreamt at all. She felt like at least some of her exhaustion had finally disappeared. But that didn't mean she wasn't feeling tired. She always felt tired.

She put on some loose pants and went to open the door. Ino was standing there, her long blond hair held in a pony, with an annoyed expression on her face. She was wearing a skimpy purple dress that emphasized her voluptuous figure. She was also clad in high heels.

“What are you doing here?” Her privacy was ignored the second time in two days as Ino stepped into her apartment without her beckoning. She didn’t have the heart to tell her no, because she could feel the frustration and anger coming off in waves from the other girl.

“Sai stood me up again, so we’re going out for drinks.” Huh, that didn’t sound like a question, more like a command. Knowing that the other girl would not stop insisting until she gave in, Sakura closed the door with a bang.

“We are?” she followed Ino into her living room.

“We haven’t seen each other in weeks Sakura, and I feel like we haven’t talked even longer than that. What’s going on with you? It’s like we’re strangers.” Sakura felt guilty for not talking to Ino for so long. She didn’t want to neglect her best friend in such a way, but she just hadn’t been able to muster the energy to do so in the last few weeks. And it looked like things with Sai weren’t going so well.

“Sorry, the hospital has been keeping me busy. So, what happened with Sai?” Sakura felt parched, probably a side effect of the sleeping pills, and so went into the kitchen to fill herself a glass of water. Ino followed her while she ranted away.

“I can’t believe that guy! This is the third time already. I just don’t know if he even wants to be together with me. He keeps on disappearing on me, spends less time with me, I feel like…I don’t know, I think he might be cheating on me…” Sakura listened to the slight wobble in her voice, but she refrained from hugging her friend. She would only make her break down more, and that was something Sakura wanted to avoid at all costs.

“I’m sure it’s nothing and that he’s just busy with work. You know that he’s an integral part of the teams taking on the skirmishes that keep on happening at the borders. His unique ability helps uncover many hidden pockets of rebels, you know that.” Even as she said it, she knew that it was not enough to reassure her friend.

“I know but, I feel like he’s getting further and further away from me. I just…I feel like I might lose him if this keeps on happening.” Sakura didn’t know how to respond to that. She hadn’t been in a relationship ever, and it wasn’t like there was anyone lining up to date her. Her only experience was her childhood obsession with Sasuke but she had a feeling that wasn’t an experience she should draw from.

With a complete 180 her friend looked at Sakura with renewed vigor.

“That’s why we should go drinking! I already invited Choji and Shikamaru, but we haven’t seen each other in so long, so I thought you should come!”. Sakura couldn’t help but think of Ino’s expression being similar to that of a dog anticipating a treat. She did feel uneasy hearing who would be joining them, but there was no helping it.

“Alright, let me just grab a shower.” Ino squealed and then went into her bedroom, probably to look for an outfit for her to wear. Sakura quickly washed herself and then joined her in her bedroom. She was still looking through her cloths, a few outfits already laid out on the bed for Sakura to try. As she looked at the skimpy outfits Ino turned around, a red dress in her hands.

“What about this one? You’ve never worn this one before.” Sakura was immediately overcome with guilt and sadness just looking at that dress. After _that_ day she had firmly thrown it into a corner of her wardrobe, and never taken a second look at it.

The day her parents died.

Had it been half a year already? It felt like it had happened just yesterday. When she had happily gone on a shopping spree, unaware of what was happening to her parents. It had been her last attempt at finding some kind of happiness, as she had tried to forget the darkness and despair the war had left with.

She had bought it, thinking that it would signify a new beginning. While her parents had bled out on the table. No, she regretted buying it the moment she had found out the news. The new beginning that the dress had signified had suddenly become a stark reminder of why she wasn’t allowed to be happy.

“Not that one.” She said in a grave voice and she could see that Ino’s excitement had been replaced by a frown on her face. Sakura turned to the dresses on her bed already laid out by Ino earlier. “Mhhh, what about this one? I quite like this one.” She took up the blue dress, trying to forget the earlier mood dive. She put it in front of her and showed it to Ino. Ino had an unreadable expression on her face, that seemed to disappear as soon as it appeared, and she nodded encouragingly.

“Yeah, that suits your hair. Do you have any heels?” Ino turned back around to the dresser in search of a pair of heels. Sakura put on the dress and turned around to look at herself in the full body mirror near the door. The dress reached just above the middle of her thighs. It had no cleavage, only showcasing a small part of skin beneath the delicate arch of her neck. The dress had short sleeves and felt a little bit loose at places such as the bust and hips, but overall it looked quite nice on her.

“I think these heels will do, what do you think?” Ino joined Sakura in front of the mirror, standing next to her while holding a pair of simple black heels. Their arms touched and she tried hard not to flinch much, putting just a tiny bit of space between them by stepping to her left a bit, concealing it as her taking a look at a different angle in the mirror. The heels weren’t anything special and would fit perfectly with any dress, Sakura thought. She hummed in agreement and looked at their reflections.

Sakura lamented the fact that she would never be as curvaceous as her busty friend, who displayed a dangerous amount of cleavage, her breasts looking like they might burst the dress any second. Her purple dress didn’t have any sleeves, in fact it was held up by tiny straps. Ino must not be wearing a bra, she thought, while she took the heels from Ino, and sat on the bed to put them on.

“Let’s go!” Ino said with a happy giggle and dragged her friend by the hand behind her. With an exasperated sigh she followed Ino.

They walked down the streets to the food districts where all the bars and restaurants were located. Sakura felt a shiver of dread run down her back when she recognized the establishment Ino had dragged her to. The place, that was a hybrid between a bar and a restaurant, was called the _Red Dragon_ one of the more popular establishments frequented by shinobi and civilians alike.

It was also the place she was supposed to meet her parents the day they died, a meeting she had been late to due to her shopping spree. They had waited for her inside when one of Konoha’s shinobi had a mental breakdown, killing ten civilians and two other shinobis until he had been stopped by another shinobi. Her parents had been injured heavily and taken to the hospital where they had been unable to save them in time. If Sakura had been on time, she would have been able to save the civilians, the shinobis, her parents.

But she hadn’t been on time. And her parents had paid a heavy price for that.

Ino must have forgotten about the incident, it had been over half a year ago, and Sakura had been successfully trying to avoid the _Red Dragon_ by forgoing the food district as much as possible. And her friends.

Sakura schooled her expression and tried to ignore the lump that formed in her throat. She resolutely shoved those feelings deep down and entered the bar with her friend. Ino looked around and spotted Shikamaru and Choji sitting in the far back in a more secluded part of the establishment. Ino slipped in next to Choji, leaving Sakura with no choice but to sit next to Shikamaru.

“Choji! Shika! Sorry to make you wait, have you ordered yet?”

“We haven’t been here long, we ordered some beer for all of us. How have you been Sakura?” Sakura tried to ignore the slight panicky feeling that tried to come loose and smiled tentatively at Choji. He always exuded a calm and friendly atmosphere that seemed to calm her.

“Oh, you know how it is, hospital has been keeping me busy, it’s good to see you Choji, how are you?”

“Good, I’ve been part of the subjugation units for a while now, but because of my leg injury I’m on indefinite leave from duty for until it’s healed.” Sakura remembered that, about a week ago, Choji had been sent to the hospital, but she hadn’t been assigned his case, so she had quickly forgotten about it. Now she felt bad that she hadn’t paid more attention to her friend. But he didn’t seem to mind.

“What happened?” Sakura leaned back to let the waitress bring the beers and some salted peanuts that were usually free of charge and thanked her. Her left arm slightly brushed with Shikamarus’ and she tried to stealthily move away from him by repositioning herself to make it seem she hadn’t been comfortable before. She thought she managed well because they didn’t seem to remark on her behavior or anything.

“Kanpai!” the four of them clinked glasses and then she took a tentative sip at the beer. Sakura didn’t like beer too much, but she thought that it would do for now. She would be able to nurse it for quite some time if she was careful enough not to drink too much in one go. She didn’t want to get drunk because she had to work the next day.

“So, what happened?” she asked again because her question had been lost when the waitress arrived.

“Uh, one of the rebels caught me and crushed me with some kind of earth jutsu. I was able to evade but my leg was caught in the process. We were able to round them all up, but my leg was pretty much busted at different places. I have to take it easy for the next few weeks, and I’m not allowed to take any missions for some time.” He didn’t look dejected at the prospect of some free time. On the other hand, she was sure it must have been quite annoying not having the same range of motion for a few weeks.

“Enough about work, Sakura, I heard that Sasuke’s back? How is he?” Ino interrupted, trying to lighten the subdued mood. Sakura took another sip.

“He’s good, saw him yesterday, actually. Naruto dragged me out to lunch with them. I haven’t really talked much with him, he pretty much disappeared on us after lunch.”

“Mhhh do you know how long he’ll be staying?”

“No, he didn’t mention it, but Naruto was sure that it was going to be a while.” Sakura took another sip of the beer and started to feel a little woozy. She remembered that she hadn’t really eaten anything since yesterday and so she started eating some of the peanuts.

“Do you know why he’s back?” Ino asked her again. She seemed adamant to know everything about Sasuke. Sakura thought she had grown out of her childish crush, but maybe she still had feelings for him in some way.

“No, he didn’t tell me. Maybe Naruto knows. Mhh that reminds me, Shikamaru, don’t you work there? Do you know something about the reason of his return?” Sakura tried to divert the conversation to someone else. She didn’t feel comfortable being the center of conversation. She already felt tired just being in this setting, in this damn bar. She would much rather be back home doing something by herself.

As she took another peanut, her hand slightly brushing Shikamaru’s. She quickly retrieved her hand and popped the peanut into her mouth. Everyone was looking at him for an answer and she tilted her head sideways as well. He looked pensive, as if he was trying to find out how much he was allowed to say. Maybe it was confidential. Well she didn’t really care about the information anyway.

“I can’t say too much about it. It’s classified.” Sakura hummed and took another drink, noticing that everyone but her had finished their drink. Her beer was still half full, and Ino had already ordered another drink, having finished hers much faster than Sakura. Choji was on his second beer, and Shikamaru was just about to order another.

Conversation flowed at a comfortable pace, and Sakura let them talk, not really participating in the conversation much. She tried to concentrate on the noises around her, and tried hard not to think of her parents, and what had happened here.

“…Sakura? Earth to Sakura, you there?” She blinked when she heard her name called and saw three pair of eyes looking at her. She smiled sheepishly.

“Sorry, I spaced out for a bit there. Still pretty tired.” She rubbed her eyes that stung from dryness of not having enough sleep.

“They’re working you to the bone. You should take some days off to relax. I know! We could have a spa day, just the two of us.” Sakura tried not to flinch at the idea. She wasn’t really up for more socializing than this. And spending it with someone who specialized in extracting information was so not up her ally right now. She just wanted to spend some time alone. In her apartment. By herself.

“Sorry Ino, with Tsunade gone on a diplomatic mission, I’m basically the one in charge of the hospital. I can’t just take a few days off just because I’m tired.” It was basically a lie. She could technically take off a few days and leave it to others, but the amount paperwork would grow to a humongous mountain, and she didn’t feel up to doing that. She also liked working. It was a nice distraction from some of her darker thoughts.

“Hmpf, you’re no fun Sakura. You and Shikamaru are two peas in the same pot. What about you Choji? You up for some fun?” It was obvious to Sakura that Ino needed some serious downtime. She obviously had not much to do in T&I, that much was clear. And the problems with Sai seemed to worry her much more than she initially admitted. Choji, the good friend that he was, sensed his friend’s distress and agreed to spending time with her tomorrow.

Sakura felt relief washing through her.

“Yay, you’re the best Choji, a true friend, unlike Shika.”

Shikamaru seemed amused by this as he tried to cover his smile by taking a large sip of his beer. It was getting pretty late, and she had another shift early tomorrow. Well technically, they told her not to come back, but she knew they would be grateful for another set of hands. Even though she had slept for twelve hours during the day, Sakura felt pretty tired and was ready to go to bed. She finished her beer.

“Well I think I’ll head back home now, I have an early shift tomorrow.”

“Ehh, already, stay a little bit longer, we haven’t talked enough.”

“Sorry Ino, I’m pretty tired, another time maybe?” As she stood up, she left some bills for her beer and was about to say her goodbyes when Shikamaru interrupted her.

“I’ll accompany you. I need to head home anyway, might as well call it a night now.” Sakura didn’t know how to avoid this situation, so she just nodded, said her goodbyes to the complaining Ino and Choji and went out first. Shikamaru was right at her heels. Sakura couldn’t wait to get out of there. She hadn’t really noticed how skittish she had become but now that she was outside, breathing the fresh air she knew she had felt suffocated. She didn’t like this place, it reminded her too much of what she had lost.

Of what she could have saved if she hadn’t been so selfish.

She turned around towards Shikamaru and saw him light a cigarette, and in silent agreement they started walking towards her apartment complex. The night was fresh, and she silently cursed herself for not bringing a light jacket. In the bar it had been relatively hot, the air stale with the scent of booze. She liked the fresh and clean air much more. And, strangely, she liked the smell of tobacco as well. She didn’t know why she felt calmer now but walking with Shikamaru usually didn’t entail too much talking, so she was fine with it. It definitely beat talking about Sasuke and feelings.

“Sorry about, you know, taking away valuable sleeping time from you. I know how much of a drag that can be.” The corner of her mouth lifted at that statement.

“It’s fine. Ino seemed pretty down because of Sai so, I didn’t really mind. And I was able to sleep some before so…”

“Mhh…” they fell silent again. She felt Shikamaru stare at her from the side, so she started to scramble for some kind of distraction.

“So, how have things been with Temari, everything okay?” Her voice sounded shrill even to her. She suppressed a wince. She didn’t really know much about her friend’s social life anymore after the war. She knew that Shikamaru and Temari had tried going out before the war, but she hadn’t really paid attention.

“I think Temari’s fine, haven’t really talked to her in a while. Due to the skirmishes around the country she was called back to Suna to deal with them on her side. Anyway, we aren’t really together, much like you and Sasuke.”

That surprised her. She and Shikamaru made a beautiful pair. Before, she had even envied Temari for such a good catch. For a time, back then, because they had worked together often as a team on some missions, she had had a small crush on Shikamaru, but she never acted on it because she knew something was going on with him and Temari. And then during the war she had almost never seen him except for that one time she had saved his life at the end.

“Oh, I thought that you were together, I haven’t heard the news that you had broken up.”

“Yeah well, we didn’t really want to make it public. We just didn’t really click. She had obligations in Suna, and I have been pretty busy here with learning how to be an advisor and taking on all that comes with that responsibility. We decided to just stay friends. Everyone seems to assume we’re the perfect couple and have everything planned out, but things don’t always go according to our wishes.”

“Yeah I understand. Everyone seems to assume that Sasuke and I are together and will be married and have kids. But me and Sasuke haven’t really talked, and we haven’t really been spending time together at all since the war. People only see what they want to see, not what’s really there.”

And they are very keen on forgetting the fact that he would have killed me that time if Naruto and Kakashi-sensei hadn’t interfered. The thought of that always made her shudder. How easy she would have lost her life back then.

Sometimes she thinks it would have saved her much grief if she had died back then.

And she was unable to forget that moment, _wouldn’t_ forget that moment, seeing the absolute hatred and lack of emotions in Sasuke’s eyes as he stared at her.

And his Katana poised ready to pierce her chest.

She had been scared. So scared. But she had pretended to understand Naruto’s reasoning, because she knew he had needed her to. And she knew he had been grateful for that. For his sake. But a small treacherous part of her had hoped that Sasuke wouldn’t return. That she wouldn’t have to be confronted with that memory again. Or with Sasuke.

On a very basic level she knew that Sasuke regretted some of his actions during the war. But she sometimes wondered, if that moment, when he had tried to kill her, was one of them. She never asked.

Thinking about it, the last remnant of affection for him had disappeared by then. Around the same time, she had started to crush on Shikamaru. Seeing him being such a dependable leader and strategist, and trying so hard to protect his friends, the village, which was so different from Sasuke’s behavior. It had made her insides feel mush.

But that seemed like such a long time ago, it felt almost like a dream, that memory of having feelings for another person.

The memory of having any kind of positive emotions.

They walked in companionable silence, occasionally brushing against each other by mistake, and her trying to avoid contact as much as possible without making it seem obvious. She could feel his gaze on her from time to time, but she tried to ignore it as best as she could. Shortly after, they reached her complex and stopped in front of the building.

She turned around intending to say goodbye to him when she caught him staring at her, an unreadable expression on his face. Slowly, very slowly, as if to not startle a skittish animal, he raised his right hand and brushed his thumb along the skin below her eye, where her dark rings must have been visible. For a short moment, she let him, watching as his eyes followed the motion of his thumb. His fingers felt hot, like they were burning a path into her skin. But then she caught herself and flinched back. She knew that this time, he noticed, but she didn’t want this strange touch to continue, and she thought that her reaction was in the acceptable range.

She was silent, not knowing how to respond to this. It had felt too familiar, too much like something more than what friends would do. She didn’t feel comfortable with this. But apparently he didn’t expect her to say anything.

“Get some sleep Sakura. You look tired.” And with that he left without a backward glance leaving a stunned Sakura left standing. Quickly she walked up the stairs and entered her apartment closing the door behind her and leaning her back against it. Her heart thudded strongly in her chest, due to the exercise of walking up the stairs as quickly as she had. She closed her eyes thinking back on the moment when he had looked at her so seriously, like she was the only thing in the world he was seeing at that moment.

Walking along the corridor she took a look into the mirror and realized that her makeup had melted in the heat of the pub. The dark rings beneath her eyes were clearly visible, a stark contrast to her pallid skin. She didn’t look sick, but she didn’t look healthy either. She wondered if Shikamaru had started to notice her exhaustion that refused to leave even after sleeping long hours. She knew that she would be in trouble if he did.

If anyone thought that her depressed moods could negatively influence her work, she might find herself without work and a psych-eval on her plate. And that wouldn’t do. Work was the only thing that gave her some semblance of purpose. She didn’t want to be suspended because someone thought that she was incapable of doing her work. It was the only thing that she was capable of doing anymore.

She stripped her cloths and went to bed. She took two pills out of the bottle without thinking too much of it and swallowed them. She needed a good night’s rest so she could start tomorrow with new vigor. She would make sure that she would show her usual cheery self, that no one could glimpse her inner turmoil. She would be a picture-perfect example of a medic.

With that thought she fell into a deep slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really not sure if this is an accurate description of drug addiction or not? Next chapter will dive deeper into this topic, so if you have any suggestions or thoughts on this tell me in the comments!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've changed the title of this story after I was told that it sounded a bit childish, and I have to say that I agreed. I'm not really good at finding titles, so...yeah, I'll just stick with this one no matter what. Thank you SunnyMichii for your suggestion!  
So here's a new chapter, hope you enjoy it :)

The next morning Sakura woke up with a headache. So much for showing a different kind of person. She concluded that it was most probably the combination of the alcohol with the sleeping pills. She quickly drank some water and tried to alleviate the headache by infusing her head with some chakra. It worked for the most part. She could still feel a little throbbing in the back of her head, but at least it wasn’t a distracting pounding anymore.

She had felt a little bit queasy standing up, and she promised herself to make something for breakfast on the way to work so she could have something in her stomach. After looking in the mirror, she surmised with satisfaction that the rings beneath her eyes had lightened quite a bit, had yet to completely disappear

On the way to the hospital she bought a sandwich which she devoured while walking. Today she had quite a bit of paperwork to handle, so after confirming with the night staff that there was no patient in need of immediate care, she started work on the mounts of papers on her desk. Time ran quickly and before she noticed it was lunch hour. She decided to skip lunch in favor of getting ahead of some of the paperwork, and as she wasn’t really hungry, she didn’t see a problem with that.

Sometime later she heard a knock on her door. Without looking up, she told them to come in while she finished the page she was writing on. When she looked up, she was surprised to find Shikamaru sitting in one of the chairs in front of her desk.

“Shikamaru? What are you doing here? Did something happen?” Immediately jumping to conclusions, Sakura took off her reading glasses and took a good look at him. He was in his usual Jounin gear, his expression not revealing anything of his mood or the reason of his presence in her office.

“Hey, the Hokage wants to see you for a mission.” She was surprised at this. She hadn’t really been on any missions since the war, because she was one of the leading figures in the hospital. And the go-to person when there was a particularly nasty and difficult injury when Tsunade and Shizune were on vacation or on break. Ino would occasionally go out on missions filling the capacity of a healer, and Sakura was grateful she could take care of things in the hospital.

She wondered what Kakashi-sensei wanted from her, as both Tsunade and Shizune were gone on the diplomatic mission, and she was the only leading figure left in the hospital. As such, it wasn’t a good idea if she was gone on a mission, in case an emergency came up.

“Why didn’t you say anything, I’ll get ready right away.”

“I’ll go with you. We will be debriefed together with the others.” He didn’t say who else was going, and she didn’t ask, she would find out shortly after. But now she was sure that she was called for a mission. She took off her coat and then together they made their way towards the Hokage tower. She tried desperately not to think about yesterday evening, his finger leaving a scalding trail behind on her skin. It wouldn’t do to panic.

“Did you sleep well?” He asked her in a bored tone.

“Yes, and you?” she found the conversation strange after yesterday, did he not think that he did something strange? Did he do that to all his female friends?

“Yeah, there’s nothing better than a good night’s sleep in my opinion. Slept like the dead last night.” The ends of her mouth twitched upwards. What a Shikamaru thing to say.

“Do you know what this is about?”

“Yeah, well you’ll be debriefed with the others in a moment, I can’t really say too much about it now.” After that, the conversation died, so they walked in silence next to each other. He didn’t seem to be in a hurry, so she slowed down to his leisure walking tempo.

The distance between the hospital and the tower was quite short, so they reached it quite quickly even with the slow pace. After she entered the Hokage’s office, Shikamaru had held the door for her, she saw four other people waiting in front of the desk. She didn’t know the two on the left, they were two Chuunin that she hadn’t talked to much before this and had only seen them a few times around the village. The two on the right, greeted her warmly when she entered.

“Sakura, I didn’t think you’d be on this mission. Long time no see.” Kiba exclaimed and raised a hand in greeting.

“I expected this, why? I heard the Hokage call for her. Hello Sakura.” She waved at them, then took the place between the two pairs with Shikamaru following her and standing next to her. His arm touched her. Why did he have to do this all the time? Did he do it on purpose?

“Yo. Thank you for coming. A few days ago, we received intel of three hidden pockets of rebel shinobi a day’s journey from here, here and here.” Kakashi pointed towards three areas quite a distance apart from each other on the map. “Kiba, you are paired with Shino and will take the pocket on the left. With Shino’s assistance you are to infiltrate this pocket and subdue the rebels.”

“Kehiro and Takashi, you take on the middle pocket. That leaves Sakura and Shikamaru to take the right pocket. According to our information the number of rebels is larger there, which is why I have assigned you to this mission Sakura. After completing your mission, you are to meet at this point.” He pointed towards the halfway point between the village and the middle pocket. “If one or more teams fail to meet up after two days, you are to assist them in any way possible. However, with the information provided I do not believe that that is necessary. You are to leave in three hours at 1700 hours sharp. Commanding captain is Shikamaru, with Kiba and Kehiro as vice-captains”

All six of them shouted in assent, then went their way to gather their weapons and belongings. It looked like it was a three-day mission if everything went well. I would take them half a day to travel to the halfway point, where they would split, and each go their own way. It would take them approximately another half a day to reach their pocket, after which they had to do recon and infiltrate their assigned pocket. It might even take longer.

Sakura checked her medical supplies and decided to buy some more soldier pills as she only had a few of her own creation left. She sealed some extra cloths as well as a tent and sleeping bag in some sealing scrolls, then she put all her healing equipment into her bag. As the medic she was the only one allowed a bag with her, as sealing medical equipment carried the risk of damaging their healing effects. She would also be the one carrying the extra food supplies for the others.

All packed, she met up with the others at the gate. Kiba and Shino were already there talking in a low voice with each other. She walked up to them after raising a hand in greeting.

“Man, it’s been a while Sakura, how’ve you been? We haven’t talked in a while.” That seemed to be the theme for the start of all the conversations lately. She really had neglected all her friends.

“Good, I’ve been busy with hospital work since Tsunade has gone on that diplomatic mission a few weeks ago.”

“Diplomatic mission my ass. She’s probably drinking her fill with the Raikage and Tsuchikage as we speak.” Sakura let out a laugh.

“You’re probably right, but she deserved some slack after all the work she put into the hospital.” When they saw the other pair arrive, Kehiro and Takashi, they greeted each other and then talked amiably with each other for a while. Shikamaru arrived on the dot, and they immediately started towards the middle point.

They didn’t talk much. Instead they focused on reaching their first destination as fast as possible. Sakura, who was carrying the heaviest bag, was in the middle, with the Chuunin pair at the in front of her and Kiba and Shino behind her. It was a general battle formation: the healer was situated in the middle in case they were attacked. Not that she needed protecting, but at the moment she was the one with the least range of motion due to her heavy bag.

Sakura let her mind wander. She hoped that they wouldn’t face too many difficulties. She hadn’t been on a real mission since the war and felt that she was out of practice. She had been exercising regularly, but there was no way that could even compare to real life experience. Maybe that was why she was placed with Shikamaru.

They reached the middle point around midnight. Sakura was feeling a little bit tired by that point, but everyone agreed that it would make more sense to reach their respective pocket at dawn so that they could start observing their enemies during the day. They took a short half-hour break in which Sakura distributed the food rations to the other two teams, giving them enough to last for two days. They separated and she and Shikamaru headed towards their designated pocket of rebels.

They didn’t talk as they made their way towards the goal. Sakura was glad that they focused on the mission, she felt a little jittery and she was sweating a lot. She noticed that they had dropped in speed. Shikamaru probably tried to accommodate to her speed as to not tire her out too much. She really was embarrassed at how out of shape she was. But she didn’t say anything and neither did he.

She liked this about Shikamaru and that was one of the many qualities as to why she had volunteered to go on so many missions with him before the war. He was the complete opposite of Naruto, who sometimes talked incessantly on the way to their destinations. With Shikamaru, she was able to think carefully about the mission objective and other strategies that may come up later.

Another thing she liked about Shikamaru was his calm and analytic approach to a mission. With Naruto, even with Kakashi-sensei sometimes, they would just head into danger without a plan, hoping for the best outcome. More than once, Sakura thought, injuries could have been avoided if Naruto had kept a cool head. Of course, he had matured significantly before and during the war. But he had never lost that recklessness and strong headedness.

With Shikamaru, she could always count on a favorable outcome, him having selected the best course of action that would benefit his team the most. And that analytic thinking had shown during the war as well, when he had commandeered whole armies and contributed significantly to their win.

After travelling for hours and taking the occasional break, during which Sakura was able to eat the soldier pills she had bought to regain some of her strength, they decided to stop and make camp a little distance away from where the intel told them the pocket was. Sakura was honestly exhausted but tried not to let it show on her face. Shikamaru, as always looked calm and unfazed.

“Let’s stop here and eat for a bit. Then I’ll take first shift on the observation. I’ll wake you up after a few hours.” Shikamaru went around placing a seal on a tree in the west, east, south and north. With a hum, the seals activated. The seals were used primarily to secure a camp site, making it almost impossible for enemies without sensory abilities to find them. It was one more layer of protection that Sakura was glad for. It made it easier to relax, as much as one could knowing that a rebel pocket of Shinobi was situated close by.

“Sounds good. Here.” She handed him his ration and they started eating in silence. She was honestly looking forward to sleeping. Although she was used to an irregular sleeping pattern, she needed to be somewhat rested so that she could fight at optimal strength.

“Are you cold?” Shikamaru asked out of the blue. She looked at him strangely.

“No?” she cocked her head sideways in question, but he did not elaborate any further, so she let it be.

She decided to lie down on her makeshift bed when she realized something. The pills. She had forgotten the pills. In her shock she had frozen completely, and Shikamaru looked at her questioningly.

“Something wrong?” He asked her after she wouldn’t say anything.

“N-no, nothing. Be careful out there.” He looked at her strangely then headed into the trees and hid within his shadows so that he wouldn’t be discovered. Sakura, on the other hand, was shaking. What was she going to do? Without the pills she wouldn’t have a restful sleep, which would negatively affect her performance, which Shikamaru was bound to notice. When she looked down at her hands she realized how much they were shaking. Fuck. That was why Shikamaru had asked her that strange question. And stupid as she was, she had denied that she was cold, probably making him wonder about the cause for the shaking.

Stupid.

The sweating, the shaking, the exhaustion. All of these were sure symptoms of withdrawal. Dread filled her, and made bile rise in her throat. Kami, how long could she go without the pills? She had missed a dose, but it had only been half a day at most, so the symptoms were still in the beginning stages. They would become worse with time passing.

Fuck this was bad. They would be on this mission for quite some time. They would at least watch the enemies during the day, see if they could gather information about the composition of the rebel group. Maybe if she was lucky, they would attack during the night, and then immediately leave for the midway point.

No matter how long she thought about it, she wouldn’t make it. The sleeping pills she had taken were the strongest kind, those that would induce a deep dreamless sleep. Sakura had known when she stole them that they were only ever prescribed to people with no other option left. But she had been desperate and had wanted to stop dreaming altogether. Those fucking dreams that just wouldn’t stop. And which would leave her tired and exhausted even after a full night’s sleep. Usually the pills were prescribed for a short time only, as a means to alleviate the patients of the trauma until they were ready to discuss it with a professional. But she had taken them for more than half a year now, upping the dosage with time because the effects had lessened over time.

She knew she had a problem. But on the other hand, by taking the pills she didn’t have to face it, so…yeah. She chose the easy way out. But she was fine with that.

Sakura thought about how to best counteract the symptoms. After she reached Konoha she could take another pill, and everything would be fine. But she had to make sure not to arouse suspicion with her teammates. Especially Shikamaru. So she had to find something that would hide her symptoms, or even suppress them until she returned to the village.

Sakura took out her med-kit and looked inside. She couldn’t find any other sleeping pills. Obviously. Sleeping pills could slow down their movements, make them drowsy and prone for mistakes. But she did find some amphetamines. These could help keep her alert during combat. For now, all she could do was try to get as much rest as possible until Shikamaru came to wake her up. And then she would take these to counteract her exhaustion. It wasn’t ideal. But she didn’t want to let her team down. She could suppress the shaking forcefully by infusing chakra into her limbs, forcing her cells to stop the shaking. It wasn't ideal, and definitely not healthy, but it would have to do.

She took the amphetamines and put them in her side-pouch for later access, and then laid down on her make-shift bed.

She hoped she wouldn’t dream.

_She found herself in the middle of the mud-field again, surrounded by white Zetsu. She tried moving her feet, but they were stuck in the mud. The Zetsu approached her slowly, a grotesque grin marring their faces. She felt panic rise in her chest, felt it constrict painfully. _

_She had to get away. _

_Then she heard a voice. She recognized it as the Chuunin’s voice, the girl she couldn’t save. “Captain. Help me.” Sakura looked around but all she could see were the white Zetsu, slowly surrounding her, step by step. _

_“Captain. Save me.” Then Sakura realized that the voice came from below. Almost too scared to look, but unable to resist, she looked down. Sakura whimpered as she saw the severed head of her teammate on the ground, looking at her pleadingly. Suddenly, arms shot out from under the ground, a myriad of voices pleading, asking for help. Her dead teammates. Their hands latchet onto her legs, and she felt herself dragged down, further and further. _

_She tried to struggle, but the hands had fully grasped her legs, her arms. She couldn’t move. _

_Tears streamed down her face as she shook her head. She felt dirty. No amount of water could ever wash the dirt away. She looked down her body and realized that within the streaks of brown from the mud she could make out red patches. _

_Blood. _

_The blood of her teammates. _

_“Help me.”_

_“Help us.”_

_“Captain.”_

_“Save us.” _

_“….kura..”_

_“….Sakura”_

_And between the pleads was one she had tried to bury deep within her, one that shouldn’t belong to these voices, but was there anyway. _

_“It should have been you!”_

“Sakura!” with a start she woke up. When she looked up, she could make out Shikamaru’s face above her, his hand still at her shoulder from when he tried to shake her awake. She blinked the sleepiness away.

“Shikamaru, is it my turn?” she slowly stood up, avoiding looking at him and instead looked into the direction where the rebel group was hiding. She felt his stare, but he apparently decided not to dig any deeper.

“As expected, the group is mostly active during the night, so as to avoid suspicion and detection. Most of them have gone to sleep with only four guards on patrol. If we want to strike, now is the best time to do that.” As he explained the details to her, they went to the observation spot he had selected. In front of her, she could see the entrance to a cave. On the left and right of the entrance stood a person each.

They were wearing light grey garments that didn’t quite camouflage them in this environment, their vests were a dark grey color, and she could make out standard shinobi gear. These people had betrayed their villages and started a rebellion to fight the hidden villages. Some, because they were traumatized by the war, the vision that Madara had shown them through the tree had thoroughly broken them, and made them question the system they had grown up in. Others did it because they liked killing. They liked fighting. Liked spilling blood.

Their rebel status was made apparent by their torn cloths and equipment. No honorable Shinobi would let their gear deteriorate voluntarily like that. She could see tears in their clothing, from previous fighting most likely, some had bloody bandages wrapped around their appendages.

Sakura looked around to see the other two guards Shikamaru had told her about, and as expected, they came from opposite directions, walking towards the mouth of the cave.The logical thing to do was to take out the moving targets first, somewhere out of the standing guard’s range of vision, and then quickly dispose of the two other guards. Shikamaru seemed to think the same. He motioned to take the right guard, and for her to take the left. With a nod she went to follow the guard, hidden by the shadows of the trees, her footsteps silent.

She took out the amphetamines and swallowed them. She felt their effect almost immediately. Her heartrate increased, while her pupils shrunk, making her able to focus more aptly. She concentrated chakra into her shaking limbs and felt the shaking abating, until only a slight movement remained that was almost imperceptible to the naked eye. Then, she waited for the perfect timing, holding a kunai in her left hand. She didn’t plan on using it, but she could never be too careful.

He didn’t see her coming. He was looking in the opposite direction, leaving his back fully exposed. All the better for her. She focused her chakra into her legs and then appeared suddenly behind him. when he felt a sudden rush of air hit his neck, he must have realized something was wrong, but in the next moment he started to fall. She caught his body and gently lowered him to the ground so as not to make any noise.

All it had taken was her pushing a huge amount of chakra into his chest, where his heart was located. His heart had exploded within seconds, not being able to take the amount of chakra and diffuse it into his body. Quick. Easy.

It hadn’t been that way with her comrades. Or her friends.

She met Shikamaru at the spot they separated, the other two guards oblivious to their comrades’ demise. Shikamaru went to form a seal that activated his shadows and caught the two of them in his shadow. They couldn’t move. They couldn’t scream. It looked like Shikamaru’s control had only gotten better with time. Sakura moved swiftly and slit their throats, careful to not make any sounds besides the slicing of the flesh, which she knew wouldn’t be perceivable by the sleeping shinobi inside the cave. She tried to ignore the sheer fear and panic she could see in her enemy’s eyes. The knowledge that she was their end.

Blood splattered on her face. So much blood. But she didn’t want to think about it. This was a mission. To protect her village. Her friends. She didn’t let it show on her face how much the killing got to her. How much she hated taking someone’s life. Be it enemy or friend. She was tired of it.

Tired of fighting.

Shikamaru gave another sign that told her they were going to move inside.

They moved in sync. Two killers with only one objective: to eliminate everyone in the cave. It didn’t take them long to snuff out every life within. It was laughably easy. They were asleep so there wasn’t any resistance. Sakura would like to think that they just died while asleep. No pain. No suffering. But that would be a lie. She knew that there was always pain.

It was over before it even began. Shikamaru went to look around the cave without glancing at the corpses. As if it didn’t faze him. Maybe it didn’t. Sakura was different in that regard. She hated killing. Had started hating it during the war. When she had moved through hundreds of bodies. A reminder of her failure to save them.

Just lying there in the dirt.

Unmoving.

Her comrades.

Her enemies.

“Anything?” she asked, because she wanted the silence to disappear, along with the ash-white faces of the dead. They had looked for information on other pockets of rebels. She had looked through the corpses to see if there was anything of importance but found nothing.

“Nothing. These groups haven’t been very organized to begin with. The lack of information flow proves that. Let’s go and meet up with the others. With luck they might have already dealt with the rebels on their end.” Sakura nodded.

They travelled back to their camp and packed everything. Sakura stayed silent through the process. She knew that today would only add one more layer to her nightmares. She felt him staring at her occasionally but pretended not to notice.

They travelled back to the midpoint. They were the first to arrive. It was beginning to become dark again as Shikamaru secured their surroundings first. Sakura handed over a ration to Shikamaru and they began to eat. The food tasted like ash in her mouth, but she forced it down with some water.

“You alright? You’ve been quiet.” She took another bite to delay her response.

“Oh? I’m fine, I was a little nervous because it’s my first mission after a long time. Sorry.” She tried to keep her hands from shaking. The amphetamines had stopped working a long time ago, but she hadn’t had the time to take another dose, and she thought it wasn’t necessary anymore because the fighting was over. But she also didn’t have time to infuse any more chakra into her shaking limbs, and the effects of before were slowly starting to abate.

“Uhuh.” They went back to eating. She looked up just to see him look away from her trembling hands. He stood up and crouched before her. Surprised she looked up into his face questioningly.

“What is it?” She avoided his stare. This really felt uncomfortable. Her heart nervously skipped a beat. He raised a hand and with his thumb he gently traced the skin beneath her eyes. Like he had done that night. She flinched back immediately, not liking how close they were now, his face only a few inches away from hers. She couldn’t take it.

“They’ve gotten darker again. You should rest some more before the others arrive. I’ll take first watch.” She didn’t know how to react to this. What kind of situation was this anyway? He was way too close. She needed to put more distance between them.

“You haven’t slept at all since the beginning of this mission. You need to recover your chakra as much as I do. You should rest first until the others arrive. I’m used to the lack of sleep.” And she also really didn’t want to sleep. Or dream. Yeah. She got up and checked her gear then disappeared within the trees to sit on a branch to watch out for intruders. She knew it was cowardly, but she had wanted that interaction to end as quickly as possible. To avoid from his intense gaze.

With a sigh she tried to relax. The forest around her was beginning to sleep. She could hear an animal skitter about beneath her, the birds had long stopped singing, letting the cicada take over.

She hoped the others would arrive soon.

She looked around to see if anyone was around to see, but soon came to the conclusion that she was alone. She closed her eyes and focused her chakra into her shaking limbs. Her bones had started to ache, and she had started to warm up quite a bit, a sign that she was having a slight fever. In her pack she found a cold medicine, and she took it without thinking twice about it. Anything to relieve her pain by just a fraction was a welcome solution. The shaking abated, but the pain in her limbs remained.

And the sweating. She drank another bottle of water, her body dehydrated after sweating so much. She hoped the others would arrive soon.

The others had arrived a few hours after. Everything went down without a hitch. They decided to rest and replenish their energy. Kiba and Kehiro reported their findings to Shikamaru, and then they headed back to Konoha in the same formation as before. Kiba and Shino seemed to notice Sakura that Sakura wasn't up for much talking, because they didn’t engage her in a conversation on the way back.

The way back was uneventful. When they reached Konoha, they immediately headed for the Hokage’s office to report their findings and result of the mission. They were dismissed with three days leave to recover from the mission’s strain. Kakashi asked Shikamaru to stay behind to discuss another matter, and the five of them said their goodbyes and headed to their respective homes.

Sakura was glad that Shikamaru had been told to stay behind, so she could relax on her way back. When she passed by the food stores, she remembered that she hadn’t done her shopping yet, but the shaking had started up again so bad that she headed home straight away. She wasn't hungry anyway and she had eaten on them mission so food wasn't a pressing need in her mind. She needed those sleeping pills. After she closed the door behind her, she let out a relieved sigh, and collapsed on the floor, the strain from the mission too much to uphold anymore. And now that she was in the privacy of her home with no one to see her, she was finally able to slip off her mask.

After just sitting on the floor for a few minutes, Sakura became acutely aware of all the sweat and grime on her person, and decided to take a shower before heading to bed. Unlike other times, she didn't take her time showering, instead scrubbing furiously at her skin so she could finish with the cleaning as soon as possible so she could finally take one of those pills she was craving so desperately. She rubbed atowel over her body then draped it around her form and went to her bedroom. Closing the door behind her, she suddenly felt the hairs on her arms and legs stand on edge. A shudder went down her spine. Probably because of the withdrawal symptoms and the sudden cold air.

She dropped her towel and went to put on simple sleeping shorts and a T-shirt. She was ready for bed when she opened up the drawer and took the bottle of pills into her hands. She opened the cap and put two pills into her hand. Then she contemplated some more and finally shook the bottle until another pill joined the other. She looked at her hand and at the pills that promised her salvation. From the nightmares. And the pain of loosing the people she loved.

With dread she remembered the eyes of the rogue shinobi, filled with fear before she had slit his throat and ended his life. It reminded her of lilac eyes. Eyes she tried so hard to forget. But in the darkness of her room, the memories finally broke free of their prison from deep within her mind. And she remembered the pain, the blood. Her friend lying on the ground. And the words spoken so harshly, full of hatred and accusation.

“_It should have been you!”_

She felt herself overcome by all the emotions that she had so desperately tried to submerge within her sub-consciousness, far away from the surface where anyone might see them.

Where she could see them.

She was a coward.

A failure.

So many people who lost their lives because she was too weak. Maybe she should take another pill. Maybe she should just end it.

Almost like she was hypnotized, she tilted the bottle in her right hand again, the pills flowing into her hand.

Their weight felt reassuring.

Slowly, she raised her hand towards her mouth. She was about to pop them into her mouth when she felt a shift in the air and the next thing, she knew someone had grasped her left wrist in a tight grip.

“Sakura. What are you doing?” she slowly turned her head to see Shikamaru standing in front of her, looking at her with an angry expression on her face.

Well fuck.


	5. Chapter 5

“Shikamaru! W-what are you doing here?”, his grip made her loose the grasp on the pills and they fell to the floor. His grip felt like steel around her wrist, and she almost winced in pain. With a start she realized she still had the bottle of pills in her right hand, so she tried to hide it but without avail. He snatched the bottle from her hands and looked at it. Maybe she could pass them off as vitamins.

“Sleeping pills Sakura?” Or not. Panicked she tried to free her wrist, but his grip was unrelentless. This time, she winced in pain when his hand gripped her even tighter when she tried to get away from him, and she could feel a bruise already forming on her wrist. Hearing the wince, he let go of her wrist, and his expression softened to something like an apology. Belatedly, she realized that she could have fought his grip by focusing some chakra into her hand but because she panicked, she hadn’t thought of that.

Well done Sakura. She scowled.

“What are you doing her Shikamaru? And give those back. They’re harmless.” He raised a brow and took a good look at the bottle.

“Aren’t these only prescribed to the worst cases of people with PTSD?” Busted. She looked away from his accusing eyes. She knew he would see right through her, but she tried anyway.

“…no?” she heard him sigh. He squatted down in front of her.

“How long have you been taking them?” She still didn’t want to look at him, so she kept her eyes way from him.

“I use them occasionally to sleep, that’s all. I’m fine.” She felt his hands gently envelope hers, the gentleness of the touch surprising, in stark contrast to his actions just a few seconds ago. She knew that her hands must have been shaking. She tried to hide them behind her back but his hands, although gentle, held her fast, steady. And to be honest, she hadn’t put much effort into the motion, not at all confident he would let her do it.

“You’re shaking like a leaf. You must have been taking them for quite some time now if the withdrawal symptoms have advanced to this extent.” She felt him stare at her, but she refused to give in and look at him.

“I’m fine Shikamaru.”

She felt his thumb gently caress her wrist, where she was sure a bruise had started to appear there. The touch was soothing as he rubbed circles into her delicate skin as if to apologize for his rough handling earlier. The skin of his hands felt rough in comparison to hers. Because her hands were too important, she took great care of them. His rough callouses, on the other hand, were proof of his craft, of his hard work on missions.

Those hands had killed not too long ago. She didn’t quite understand how they could feel this calming now.

She looked down at their joined hands, because she didn’t want to see the accusation in his eyes that she was sure was going to be there. It reminded her of her nightmares. Of the people she had let down. Sometimes they looked at her pleadingly.

Often times they just blamed her for their death.

“Are you going to tell anyone?”, she whispered. She was afraid of the answer. She didn’t want anyone to know, well, anyone else at least. She already felt suffocated by the thought of him knowing about her…affliction.

“Do you want me to tell them?”, hearing those words, she suddenly took a hold of his wrists, holding him in a tight grip. Desperate. Desperate for him to keep this secret. She looked at him, scared that he would reveal her secret.

“No, I-…”, but as soon as her eyes met his, she felt herself deflate at the worry and affection she saw in his eyes. And she knew she couldn’t bare looking at him for too long, because she feared that she would get lost completely in those dark eyes that threatened to swallow her whole. She let go of his wrists and put her hands into her lap, trying to put some distance between them and averted her eyes so that she was now looking at her hands in her lap.

“I don’t want you to tell them.”, she said, her words barely a whisper. But she was sure he had heard her. To her, her whisper had sounded like a roar in the quiet room. It must be the same for him. She must look so weak right now.

She _was_ weak.

“Alright. I won’t tell them. But I can’t let you continue like this. I’m worried about you Sakura. This isn’t like you.” She didn’t respond to that. She hadn’t felt like herself for a long time now.

“I’ll take these” he went to pick up the pills that had fallen on the ground and put them into the small bottle, “and I’ll tell Kakashi to put you on leave for the next few weeks, you deserve some vacation anyway after all the work you put into the hospital. And we can sort this out together.” She opened her mouth to protest but was shushed immediately.

“And don’t tell me that the hospital can’t function without you. We both know that that’s just another excuse.” She closed her mouth and nodded dejectedly, watching as her hands that gripped her shorts tightly.

Her shorts. That she had put on after the shower. When she had been naked. Her cheeks flushed.

“How long have you been watching me?” Slowly she raised her head to look at his face. He avoided her gaze, suddenly finding her dresser in the corner very interesting.

“Oh? Not very long…” he said nonchalantly.

“Really?” she said sweetly, the flush of embarrassment slowly turning into a flush of anger.

“I’ll go and dispose of these and then tell the Hokage about your leave. I’ll be back in a few hours with dinner. Get some rest Sakura, you look tired.”

“Shi-ka-ma-ru!” With a flash he was gone, leaving Sakura shaking in anger. But her anger disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. Shikamaru had seen her naked. Had seen all of her.

And he had found out about the pills.

She threw herself on her bed and hid her face in her hands. Then she looked up at the ceiling. She hoped he wouldn’t tell Kakashi-sensei. He had told her he wouldn’t, but she didn’t know if he would keep his word.

He had told her he would help her through this. She wondered how exactly he was going to do that. It was obvious that he would make her go through a cold detoxification. She didn’t know how she felt about that. She didn’t want to face the dreams. Or her memories. With a sigh she went under the covers. Maybe if she rested a bit her problems would go away.

_“What do you mean they’re dead? I just saw them this morning. They can’t be dead.” Sakura had been informed to go to the hospital where she met with Tsunade. She listened to Tsunade talk, how it was such a “tragedy”, how she’s “sorry” about her “loss”. Sakura heard what she said but she didn’t really understand the string of words that left her mouth. Her parents were dead? But that wasn’t possible. They were civilians. Not shinobi. They would live until they were old and then die of natural causes. Not like this. Not butchered to death. By another shinobi. _

_One of her comrades. _

_Tsunade lead her through the corridor. It looked bleak. Scary. It looked different than before. Later she would never be able to walk down that corridor without remembering this moment. _

_Walking towards her dead parents. _

_The artificial light flickered above them. She thought they had fixed the problem with the electricity. Tsunade’s heels clacked on the linoleum floor. The sound echoed around her, eerily, cutting into the deep silence that penetrated these walls. _

_The silence of the dead._

_Her heart pounded in her chest. The closer they drew to the door, the harder it pounded. Until all she could hear was the pounding. _

_They arrived in front of the door. Tsunade opened it, held it open for Sakura. She hesitated for a bit. But Tsunade didn’t remark on that. She just waited patiently until Sakura went through the door. Sakura did and looked at the two covered bodies on top of the table. She heard the door close behind her. Tsunade would wait outside. To give her some privacy._

_She didn’t need privacy. She needed her parents alive. But that was impossible now. They would never come back._

_They would never smile at her again. Like they had this morning._

_She slowly approached the tables. It smelled of antiseptic. And something else she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She had never minded the smell, had been surrounded by it daily, during surgeries, in the rooms filled with patients. She had never thought of it as something bad. _

_Not until now. Not she hated the smell._

_Her hand hovered over the white cloth. She was trembling. With resolve she grasped the cloth and uncovered the head. _

_Her mother’s head. _

_Her eyes were closed. Her mouth was open slightly, as if to let out one last breath. But she would never breathe again. _

_A single tear rolled down her cheek. She didn’t wipe it away. Her hands were shaking when they settled on her mother’s cheek, slowly caressing her. More and more tears followed. “Mom.” She felt a tightness in her chest. A sob escaped her mouth. _

_“Oh Kami, Mom!”, she sobbed and cried. Suddenly she felt something grasp her arms. She opened her eyes and looked down, her tears still flowing down her cheek, unto the table below her. Unto her mother._

_She saw two pale hands grasping her upper arms. Her mother’s hands. _

_“Huh” she tried to pry them away but found herself without her super strength for once. _

_“Sakura.” She looked up to find her mother looking at her. Dead eyes regarded her accusingly. “Mom?” Sakura was trying hard to somehow free herself from the harsh grasp of her mother’s hands. But her hands wouldn’t move. Her grip became even tighter, so much tighter that it became painful. It felt like she was trying to crush her bones. _

_“You killed me.” she saw movement next to her and realized in horror that her father had sat up on the table and was regarding her. A big gash marred his face and went through his eyes and stopped right below his lips. His eyes were glazed over just like her mothers. She could see no life in their eyes._

_There was no life left in them._

_“You killed us.” He said with a haunting voice, his eyes focused on her. Dead eyes. Her father’s dead eyes._

_“No…no please no…” But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t free herself from her mother’s hands. Her father reached out to her._

_And a voice that didn’t belong to either of them echoed in the room._

_“It should have been you”_

_Sakura screamed. _

With a start she woke up, her heart pounding in her chest. Even though she was under the covers she felt cold and her body ached. She didn’t want to wake up.

But she didn’t want to dream either. During the day the memories kept reminding her of her faults. And during the night, the nightmares made her relieve them, over and over, never letting her rest.

She was so _tired_.

She laid her arm over her eyes in exhaustion. How come she never felt refreshed after sleeping anymore? Why was it so hard to rest? All she needed was a proper rest.

She cursed Shikamaru for interfering. Maybe if he hadn’t interfered, she would have finally been able to rest in peace.

She tried to bury the dream deep down inside of her. Tried to forget the anxiety, the fear, the self-hatred it had made her feel. But mostly, she tried to forget her parent’s accusing eyes.

With a grunt she stood up from the bed and went to her dresser. Put on some long pants and a hoody. It didn’t help much with the cold. The shaking had become even worse, so much that she had difficulty dressing. But she managed somehow.

She heard noises from her kitchen and went to investigate. Still a little ruffled from sleep she didn’t immediately comprehend what Shikamaru was doing there.

“Shikamaru? What are you doing here?” Kami, damn it, can’t he leave her alone? He had his back to her and was heating something in a pan. Sakura still felt a bit chilled and put her arms around her torso. He turned around but still kept one hand on the pan, slowly shaking it back and forth.

“Ah, you’re awake? I’m making dinner.” He looked her up and down but didn’t comment on her get up. Or the shaking.

Or how pathetic she was.

“I’m not that hungry.” She joined him at the stove and looked at what he was frying. It looked like an easy vegetable and meat fry. She could smell the finished rice in the rice cooker that stood beside the stove. He went all out. Even though she didn’t want him to.

She turned her back to him and went to the fridge to pour herself some juice. Her mouth tasted atrocious, like something had crawled inside, died and rotted for a very, _very_ long time, and she needed something to wash away that horrible smell.

“Sleep well?” She poured the juice. She didn’t ask him if he wanted any. She was sort of still angry at him for seeing her naked, but she was too tired to start an argument. Or to stay angry. To do anything really.

“Mhhh. What did Kakashi say.” She took a sip from the juice while she leaned on the counter, so she was facing him. He added some soy sauce and spices to the pot. It smelled good but she didn’t feel hungry, hadn’t felt hungry for a long time. She had just eaten to go through the motions, and even that only sporadically the last few weeks. Sometimes, it was too difficult to muster up any strength to force down some food down her throat. It all tasted like ash anyway.

“Oh, he thought it was a good idea to give you a vacation.”

“He didn’t ask any questions as to why so suddenly?”

“No, I can be very convincing.” He turned off the heat and then put the rice into two bowls and topped them with his stir fry. He grabbed two pairs of chop sticks and then took everything to the small table in the living room. She followed him still sipping the juice. She had to tightly grip the glass, so that the shaking wouldn’t spill any juice. She sat down opposite him.

“Thanks for the meal.”

“Thanks for the meal.” She took the chopsticks into her hand and started to eat, but she quickly discovered that it was impossible to eat with her hands shaking so much, so she stopped eating and instead drank the juice instead. She looked out the window on her left. It was dark outside, so it must be already evening. Did she really sleep so long? She felt like she could go back to sleep right away.

Shikamaru stood up from where he was seated to go into the kitchen and appeared shortly after with a fork in hand.

“It should be easier to eat with this.” He pushed it towards her, and she took it gratefully. “Thanks.” She resumed eating, albeit slowly. She knew she had to eat so she forced herself to swallow. It was quite good, spicy with a sweet undertone.

“I didn’t peg you for someone who can cook.”

“It’s one of the things I learnt when I moved out from home.” She looked at him in surprise. She didn’t know that he had moved out. She always thought that because he was going towards the Nara compound that he still lived at the compound.

“I didn’t know you lived alone.” He raised a brow.

“Yeah, well, after the war I just couldn’t live there anymore. My mom was driving me crazy. I know she missed Dad but…there’s only so much nagging a man can take.”

“What did she do?”

“Uh, she would pester me about the smallest things. Clothes lying about that weren’t even mine, dishes that I hadn’t washed, how lazy I always was, how I should clean up after myself and so on. Before the war, my Dad was sort of the go between, he was the one who appeased my Mom, but after…well…you know.” She didn’t know it had been so bad for him.

“Where do you live now?”

“I live close to the compound, a few streets over. It’s a five-minute walk from here. It’s small but I like it. It’s not like I use it for much, I’m always at the tower, but it’s close to the compound so when something happens, or there’s a matter about the clan that I have to attend to, I can be there quickly. But I like having a place where I can withdraw after a long day at work, where I can just laze around and have some time for myself.” She understood that. She wanted that for herself too. But her friends wouldn’t let her be the last few day, and one of the more annoying, persistent ones was sitting right across from her.

“How did your Mom take it, your moving out, I mean?”

“She didn’t like it. But at that point I didn’t mind pissing her off a bit. She had made my life a living hell, so I wanted to pay her back a bit.” He smirked at her, then leaned back and patted his stomach. Sakura did the same, although she wasn’t even near finished, she felt like she would burst if she ate any more. She had only managed to have a few bites, but she was feeling a little bit queasy now.

“That was good. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Why don’t you go take a bath and I’ll finish the kitchen?” He moved to gather the dishes, but she protested.

“No that’s fine, I’ll do it. You already cooked. Thanks for the meal and all, but I can take it from here.” She reached for the bowl when he caught her wrist. This seemed to be a recurring theme today. Hands grabbing at her. His hand felt warm on her icy skin, and she shuddered.

“Sakura. We both know things are going to become worse from here on out. I won’t leave you to deal with this by yourself. I’ll do the dishes. Don’t worry. You can pay me back later when you’re better.” _You can’t get rid of me that easily, _was what he seemed to convey with those words. He let go of her and took the dishes into the kitchen. Sakura went into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. She let water flow into the tub and then took of her cloths. She winced when she saw her reflection in the mirror.

Her skin looked sickly pale, and her wrist had bruised, just as she had expected. She could see her ribs protruding, and that was definitely a first. Even as a child, Sakura had been on the chubbier side, and training to be a shinobi had taken care of her baby fat, but she had never really been as skinny as she was now. It didn’t look unhealthy yet. But losing any more weight would be dangerous.

She couldn’t believe that she had let go of herself to this extent. She was a medic for Kami’s sake. If she couldn’t even take care of herself, how was she supposed to take care of others? Deeply ashamed, she looked away from her reflection and lowered herself into the tub with a content sigh. She felt her muscles relax and closed her eyes.

She could faintly hear sounds through the door, probably Shikamaru cleaning the dishes. She didn’t have a dishwasher, so he had to do it all by hand. She felt a strange surge of satisfaction from that thought. Serves him right for butting into someone else’s business.

She was fine damn it, why couldn’t he just go about his own business?

Why did Shikamaru want to help her anyway? They hadn’t been that close to begin with. Sure, he was one of the rookie nine and graduated the same year as her. But they hadn’t really been close per se. She had always been closer to Ino or Naruto. She hadn’t really had any other close friends to be honest, her social life had always been on the lower end of the spectrum. She had many acquaintances but only very few that mattered. And with Sasuke missing she and Naruto had dedicated their life to finding him, to bringing him back. She hadn’t had time to socialize much.

Thinking back, she had always been sort of an outcast. She came from a civilian family, with no latent or dormant secret family jutsu. And she hadn’t had any outstanding chakra storage. She couldn’t remember why she wanted to become a shinobi but thinking back on it, being a shinobi hadn’t really brought her much joy. The constant fighting, not knowing when she was going to die, who she had to kill next. The battles, the war. Sure, she could heal people, and she had saved many over the years. But it didn’t bring her any joy anymore. She felt empty. Like she had nothing to live for.

For Naruto it was different, he had always had a purpose. Becoming Hokage. Bringing back Sasuke. And for a time, she had had the same goals as him. Finding Sasuke. Protecting the village. Now, she wasn’t quite sure what her purpose was anymore. She had failed too many people.

Sakura was interrupted in her musing by a knock on the door.

“Sakura, you alright? You’ve been in there for over an hour.” Had it been so long already? The temperature of the water had cooled down considerably, so it must be true.

“Yeah, sorry, I’ll be right out.” She got out of the tub and wrapped a towel around her, then gathered her cloths and opened the door. Shikamaru was sitting on the couch reading a book and looked up when he saw her come out of the bathroom. He immediately averted his eyes when he realized she was in a towel. Was that a flush she could see on his face? She must be imagining things by now. He hadn’t blushed when she confronted him about seeing her naked, so why would he blush when she was wearing a towel?

She went into her room and put on some comfy trousers and the hoody from before, and also put on some thick socks because she could feel her body cooling down already. She then joined Shikamaru on the couch, a safe distance away. He continued to read as she took in his appearance for the first time today. He was wearing casual cloths instead of his usual shinobi gear. Black pants with a grey T-shirt. Compared to her he was wearing few cloths. Then again, he wasn’t the one going through withdrawal.

“Why are you helping me?” She wrapped her arms around her legs and hugged them closer so she could retain more warmth, her feet were almost touching him. It was a small couch. She really needed to purchase a bigger one. She was trembling again. He looked up from his book and regarded her.

“Because you’re my friend Sakura. That much should be obvious.”

“But we’ve never been that close. Ino I’d understand but you…?” he sighed and closed the book and put it on the small table in front of the couch.

“Common I need a smoke and I’m sure you could use some fresh air.” He pointed towards her small balcony. It was too small to put any furniture on it, but it was big enough for two people to stand. He took out a cigarette pack from one of the side pockets in his pants, as he made his way to the balcony. She followed him silently. She stood next to him and leaned on the balcony looking out into the village. There was something almost serene about the village at this time of night. She could faintly hear some people conversing while walking home. The streets illuminated by the lights from the surrounding houses and a stray streetlamp in a corner.

Sometimes she liked to imagine how it would be like, having a family, sitting at a dinner table with two small kids while listening to their exiting brabble. The husband giving her an affectionate kiss on the cheek before settling down at the table and joining in the conversation with their children. A few years ago, the husband in her mind would always have Sasuke’s face. She had liked to imagine him smiling, content, finally seeing her worth.

But that had changed now. Now she couldn’t imagine having a family at all. Or a boyfriend. Too many dreams had been shattered, and now she wouldn’t dare imagining something more. She learned her lesson well. She should be content with what she had.

Some people didn’t deserve to be loved.

Shikamaru lit a cigarette and puffed out the smoke. He leaned his back against the railing and regarded her from the side. Sakura put her hand into the pockets of her hoody, to hide the shaking. It annoyed her.

“Do you remember the mission we were on together right after Asuma’s death? The one where we went to Tea country to gather intel on Akatsuki?” She vaguely remembered that they had been gone a week, but no matter how much she thought about it she couldn’t think of anything that was special about that mission.

“Yeah, Tsunade wanted you to take your mind off his death, but she was afraid that you would do something crazy by yourself, so she told me to accompany you.” A day after they had come back, he had gone after Kakuzu and Hidan anyway with Ino, Choji and Kakashi-sensei, using the intel the two of them had gathered there to track Akatsuki’s movements. At least he hadn’t gone off by himself.

“I was in a bad place then Sakura. I remember how you tried to engage me in the conversation, to make me talk, but I wouldn’t budge, too immersed in all the possible scenarios of how I could have saved Asuma. But you didn’t give up. You kept talking to me, kept feeding me too, and I know how difficult I can be when I am in my head, closed off from reality, so I know how much a challenge _that_ was.”

She remembered now. She had been so frustrated with him that she had grabbed him by the chin, opened his mouth forcefully, and stuffed one of the dango into his mouth. Miraculously, he hadn’t refused to eat after that incident. And he had stopped brooding too and started to take in their surroundings. Thinking about that brought a smile to her face.

“The dango incident?”

“Yeah, you’re really scary when you put your mind to it Sakura.” They both chuckled about it now. It must have been a very painful experience for him though. She almost felt bad about it. Almost.

“You were there for me when I needed it. Thanks to you I was able to pull out my head out of a very dark place, and it was then I was finally able to think about the future instead of being stuck in the past.” She glanced at him from the side and watched as he pensively puffed out some smoke. The light of the living room cast a golden hue on his face, but the top of his face was obscured by shadows, making it impossible for her to read his expression.

“That’s why I want to help you Sakura. I don’t know what would have happened to me if we hadn’t been on that mission together. But I am very thankful that it was you that came with me that day.” There was something very alluring about the way he said the last few words, resonating with something deep within her. A shiver ran down her back. She looked away again. She slung her arms around her torso.

His hand covered hers, and then closed around her fingers. He was warm, and if she was being honest, she didn’t mind him holding her hand. It felt comfortable. Then he set go and she tried to tell herself that she didn’t miss his warmth.

“Let’s go back inside.” She nodded and headed in first. She heard him close the balcony door behind her and she suddenly felt nervous. She felt him staring at her back, but she didn’t dare turn around.

“I’ll sleep on the couch, that way you can call me if you need anything.” She nodded all resistance towards his presence gone after his explanation. He wouldn’t accept her protests anyway. Then she went into her bedroom to collect a spare pillow and blanket. When she came back it was to see that he had taken off his shirt and was standing with his back to her. She stopped and took a moment to take in his form.

Normally, she didn’t mind seeing her comrades in a state of undress. She had seen it enough times to remain unfazed whenever she saw someone in boxers or without a shirt. As a medic she had seen her fair share of naked men and women and was able to remain calm and collected no matter the situation. She felt a flush rise in her cheek as she regarded him. Shikamaru’s back was all lean muscle with no extra fat visible anywhere, and she had a feeling the rest of him wasn’t any different. She felt something stirring in her stomach. She still felt queasy after eating, so it must be that.

She shook her head, approached the couch, and put the pillow and blanket down.

“Here, thought you could use these.” He turned towards her and smiled at her. “Thanks. Good night Sakura. Sleep well.”

“Yeah, you too.” With that she turned around and closed the door behind her.

She had a feeling things were becoming quite complicated, but she tried to banish these thoughts as she slipped beneath the covers and closed her eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the main part of the story is finally starting. I'm so excited and can't wait for your thoughts on this chapter!  
Enjoy:)

Sakura woke up feeling nauseous. She ran to the bathroom and made it just in time to the toilet to throw up her dinner. She felt awful, her skin felt clammy with cold sweat, she couldn’t stop shivering and her body hurt all over. She couldn’t stop throwing up and she kept hurling and hurling until there was nothing left to hurl, but even then, her body kept on making her throw up disgusting yellow acid from her stomach. Sometime during her throw up session Shikamaru had joined her and held back her hair and rubbed her back, murmuring encouragement.

She felt utterly embarrassed that he saw her in this state. After what felt like hours she collapsed, her head lay on the toilet seat, utterly spent and unable to move she just sat there and closed her eyes.

“Here try to wash your mouth with this.” Sakura opened her mouth and let him guide the glass to her lips. She washed her mouth with water, and then spit it out into the mess she had thrown up earlier. With one last effort she flushed the toilet then let her arm fall to the ground. She was cold and miserable and sweaty, but she couldn’t be bothered to move. Thinking about it, this was quite comfortable. This might be her new favorite place. She was already on board with the idea of staying in the bathroom indefinitely and was about to make herself more comfortable on the floor when Shikamaru intervened.

She felt herself guided backwards, then felt a warm washcloth wiping her face gently. Then she felt herself lifted in his arms and carried around. Normally she would have protested vehemently at being carried princess style. She was, by no means, a helpless weak princess in need of saving. Well, usually she wasn’t. He just caught her in a moment of weakness is all.

She felt herself lowered to something soft, probably her bed, and a few moments after covered by blankets. She was still cold. She felt like nothing in this world could ever warm her up again.

“…cold…” she whimpered and further rolled herself up into ball of misery so that she could preserve as much warmth as possible. A few moments later she felt another weight on top of her and heard a rustling behind her. Something hot settled against her back, and then she felt something heavy slung over her side. She tried to burrow closer to the warmth, snuggling back into it, and she thought she heard a deep sigh from behind her. The warmth pressed itself more firmly against her back and she sighed in satisfaction. Then she fell back into blackness.

_She was back on the battlefield. Sakura was looking around while simultaneously taking down as many enemies as possible. It was chaos. She felt like she was drowning in the sounds of battle. _

_The cries._

_The screams._

_And then she felt an explosion to her left, dry earth splattered her side, and for a moment all she could here was a ringing in her left ear. She looked to her left but all she could make out were severed limbs._

_She sprinted forward, forcing her tired limbs to move, already feeling the drain of chakra. She couldn’t go on much longer without a rest. She would have to take another of the food pills. She felt like she hadn’t eaten in days. _

_“Sakura!” said a familiar voice and from the periphery she could see Neji spinning and taking down multiple enemies at once. “Neji. We were sent as reinforcements. Where are the injured?” For a while there was no time to talk as the enemies surrounded them, and they worked in tandem taking them down. Then, when she felt a burst of chakra from behind, she turned around, coming eye to eye with Hinata. They smiled at each other, these little small gestures the only way for them to show each other how happy they were to see each other alive. _

_Suddenly, Hinata’s smile disappeared, and her eyes widened as she yelled her name, Sakura turned around, already aware that she would be too late for whatever was coming. She heard a wet sick crunch, and Sakura thought in that moment that she didn’t feel any pain, that it was strange. She came around only to see Neji in front of her, a Zetsu piercing him through the chest, and stomach. Neji coughed out some blood. _

_“You’re back’s wide open.” Distantly she heard Hinata scream in rage as she took down the Zetsu that had hurt Neji, and she caught his body as he fell, unable to support himself on his legs any longer. She immediately started to heal him, sending a wave of chakra into the chest to map the injury. She suppressed her tears, knowing that if she wanted to save her friend, she had to be calm and collected._

_Hinata had taken care of her enemies, and the others had noticed that they needed support as she could hear fighting around her, but she didn’t dare look away. Hinata reached their side and sat opposite Sakura and looked at her cousin. _

_“Neji-nii..please save him Sakura, please, I can’t…” tears were streaming down her face as she pleaded with Sakura. She couldn’t remember the last time Hinata looked this distressed. Even when she fought Neji during the Chuunin exam, and when she faced Pein and died, she had always been collected, proud, confident in her way. Now she looked fragile, as she begged Sakura to save her cousin’s life._

_“Hinata, put pressure on his stomach wound!” Sakura ordered her friend, and she complied immediately. Neji was bleeding a lot, the chest wound had pierced and collapsed one of his lungs. He breathed shallowly, and although he didn’t groan in pain, she knew that he must be feeling it in an excruciating way._

_There was so much blood._

_Too much blood._

_“Hinata.” Neji said and raised his hand and she took a hold of him, the other still holding on to his stomach. He seemed to realize that it was pointless. On the inside, Sakura despaired when she realized his aorta had been nicked. This injury was beyond her capabilities. If they had more time, she thought, some blood bags and a quiet and save environment to perform the surgery, then she might have been able to save him. _

_But this was the battlefield. They could be attacked any minute now. There was too much dirt, too many variables._

_And he didn’t have enough blood left in his body for a recovery even if she succeeded with surgery in these circumstances._

_Sakura looked at Neji, looked into his eyes and saw understanding. And beneath that, she could see fear. He knew he was dying and that there was nothing she could do. _

_That anyone could do really._

_Even shinobi feared death. Sakura knew this, had seen it before when she healed. But seeing it in her friend was different. It was painful._

_She didn’t want him to die._

_But there was nothing she could do. _

_She hated this war. Hated it with every fiber of her being._

_Sakura looked at Hinata, at her frantic expression. Hinata blinked when she saw the lack of green hue on Neji’s chest. There was no need to heal him any further. She had to conserve chakra. To heal those she could. That was another thing of the war that she hated._

_“Hinata…”_

_“NO! No, you save him, you hear me?! SAVE HIM!” Sakura blinked back some tears at the ferocity of Hinata’s feelings. Hinata, who had always been a gentle, loving creature. But hidden behind that had always been a fierceness, a protectiveness. It had first shown when she was ready to die for Naruto. And Sakura saw it now. When she refused to let her cousin die._

_But there was nothing she could do. _

_“Hinata, it’s alright.” Sakura could see Neji squeeze her hand, desperately, lovingly, comfortingly. And wasn’t that just unfair? He was the one dying and yet, he was the one reassuring someone else. Shouldn’t it have been them that comforted him?_

_But in the end, it was the living that needed comfort. To know that they had done everything they could. Sakura needed it too. But she didn’t dare ask. She didn’t deserve it._

_“You’ve shown…me…what it’s like…to be free…Thank you.” _

_“No, no, no, NO! Neji! Don- don’t you dare die!” She looked at Sakura, anger and sadness in her eyes and screamed. Neji smiled and took his last breath. _

_His still warm blood coated her hands. She felt dirty. Useless. _

_“It should have been you!” Sakura knew that Hinata didn’t mean it, she had said it in the heat of the moment. But in that moment, looking down at Nejis dead face, watching Hinata clutch her cousin’s hand and cry desperately, a small part in Sakura agreed._

_It should have been you._

_It should have been you._

_A hand came down on her shoulders. She looked up to see her captain. _

_“We have new orders. They need an expert healer at the campsite. We need to leave now!” She nodded but then hesitated, afraid to leave Hinata in this state. In that moment Hinata’s father appeared behind her and nodded to her as if to say “go”. She nodded to him then with one last glance at the grieving Hinata, she followed her team. _

_If only she had known what was to follow._

_She would have stayed with Hinata. _

_But fate was ultimately a cruel thing. And Sakura was about to know just how cruel it could be. _

_Two days later she lost her team. _

Sakura felt hot, unbearably hot. She rubbed her tired eyes and felt wetness. Tears? She must have cried in her sleep. She felt movement behind her then a deep sleepy groan. Sakura froze. Did Shikamaru...? Did he slip into bed behind her? Hazily she tried to remember what happened. She buried her face in her hands when she realized that she had thrown up and he had been there. Taking care of her. She felt a flush rise in her cheeks.

And then…she had felt so cold. Had he slipped in behind her to give her some warmth? She sat up and pushed off the hot folds. There was another blanket on top of her covers, he must have put it there during the night. She was parched and hungry, and she felt like she could drink a whole tub of water. But first things first. She needed a shower desperately. She had sweat a great deal during the night, and she felt dirty just thinking about not having a shower after throwing up. Urgh. Now that she thought about her mouth probably smelled like something died in there.

It sure tasted like it.

She moved her legs to the side of the bed, but even that small movement made her feel dizzy and see spots in front of her eyes. It probably wasn’t a good idea to stand up now. She heard rustling behind her but didn’t dare move due to the dizziness. She heard footsteps and she looked up to see Shikamaru standing there with a worried look. With a rush, her last dream came back to her, Sakura trying desperately to heal Neji, and failing. The fear in his eyes. And Hinata’s anger and disappointment.

_It should have been you._

She hated this. Hated remembering all these things she had tried so hard to forget. So much that she had accepted her addiction to sleeping pills only so she could stop having these nightmares, of watching her loved one’s die. And in this moment, she hated him for making her go through this. Hadn’t he done enough already? Why did he have to interfere?

_Your back’s wide open_

_It should have been you._

She hated herself.

“Here you should drink this. You’re probably dehydrated.” He was holding a glass of water in front of her and touched her shoulder when she didn’t react. She flinched back as if the touch seared her skin and slapped his hand away.

“I’m fine, damn it, just...leave me alone!”, she retorted angrily, her emotions rising to the surface. She put her head in her hands, the image of Neji’s dying form and Hinata’s angry face kept appearing before her, but no matter how much she tried to shield her eyes, the image persisted, dancing behind her eyelids, taunting her.

Torturing her.

He sighed and heard more than saw him crouching down in front of her. Why couldn’t he just leave? She didn’t want him to see her like this. She didn’t want anyone to see her like this.

She just wanted to be left alone.

“You’re not fine, and I won’t leave. We’ve already established that yesterday. Now drink this, it will help with the dizziness.” She glowered at him, took the glass and took a sip. She almost spit it out at the sourness. He chuckled at her reaction. “I dissolved some vitamins and important nutrients in it. Your body needs it after what it’s been through.”

He didn’t mention last night’s adventure to the bathroom, and she was glad for it. He sat down next to her and slowly rubbed her on her back. She took another sip and thought that it didn’t taste too bad after she got used to it. She gulped it down within seconds. His hand moved up to her neck and his thumb continued to rub circles. It felt good. She still refused to look at him.

“Thanks.”, she grumbled grudgingly.

“Your welcome, how are you feeling?”

“Like I need a really long shower.” She said drily and she heard him chuckle again. Her hands were shaking again, or maybe they were still shaking, and she tried to stop it by gripping the glass even harder. It didn't work.

“I’ll make some breakfast.” He probably sensed her embarrassment and gave her some privacy. She stood up slowly when he left the room, feeling less queasy after drinking the water, but still not entirely steady on her legs. She put the glass of water on the nighstand, then went to the bathroom. The water felt hot and good on her skin. She just stood under the stream of water and let it cascade over her body. A delicious smell started to waft into the bathroom, and she heard her stomach growl.

She hadn’t felt hungry in a long time, and she was actually looking forward to eating for once. Quickly, she washed her hair and lathered her body with soap. Then she dried herself and went to put on some cloths. She rubbed her hair dry and then threw the towel into a corner of her room. There was a pile of clothes there already. She really needed to do some laundry soon.

She headed into the living room just in time to see Shikamaru carry the plates to the table. She sat down opposite Shikamaru and took a sip of the orange juice he had readied for her. He had thankfully put on a shirt and some pants. She didn’t think she would have been able to concentrate on the food if he hadn’t. For whatever reason she wasn’t going to analyze.

He dug into his food and started eating, so she did the same. He had made some scrambled eggs, a steamed tomato and fried some sausages. He had also made toast apparently. She didn’t know if she could eat the sausages yet, so she put some eggs on the toast and bit into it. She closed her eyes for a second. It was really tasty.

“Feeling better?”, he smiled at her enthusiasm as he watched her. She hummed a yes, her mouth still full of goodness. She was surprised about how good a cook he was. Whomever he ended up marrying was going to be a very happy woman.

“Did you sleep well?”, he asked, and she took her time, biting the food more than necessary before swallowing.

“Yeah, sorry about, you know…waking you up in the middle of the night.” She thought she was becoming really good at deflecting his questions. He must have noticed that she had a nightmare. But she didn’t want to talk about it. Hopefully, he wouldn’t ask any further questions.

He didn’t seem to take the hint.

“You talk in your sleep, you know that, right?” She looked down at her plate. She suddenly lost her appetite. She took another sip of the juice instead. How much had she said? Did he notice her crying too?

“I don’t want to talk about it.” She could feel him staring at her, but she refused to look at him. “What time is it anyway? She hoped he would take the hint and change the topic.

“It’s lunch time. You slept for over twelve hours after your midnight adventure.” She flushed red and shoved some more eggs into her mouth, even though it made her feel slightly nauseous.

“Yeah well, my body’s trying to catch up to all the lost sleep most probably.” He had finished by now and stood up to take his plate to the kitchen with him.

“I have some matters to take care of in the tower, but I think I can be back by dinner time. I can bring some take out if you want and we can watch a movie or whatever.” She carried her half eaten plate into the kitchen.

“You know you don’t have to keep on doing this. The worst is over now, I can take care of myself. I won’t let it happen again.” Maybe then she wouldn’t have to talk about any of this and they could forget all about this.

“We both know that the pills are just another symptom of the problem Sakura. I told you I would do everything I can to help you through this.” He took her hand into his and squeezed it. Hands are something really fascinating she thought. She couldn’t take her eyes of them. At least that’s what she told herself when she felt a lump in her throat. He tugged a few stray hairs behind her ear.

“I’ll see you tonight alright?” She nodded in response and then he left, leaving her alone in her apartment.

She quickly cleaned the dishes and then went to collect the laundry, including her bed sheets, because she refused to sleep in them for another night after having sweat so much. Then she put them into the washing machine. She opened all the windows to let some fresh air in and then went to lie down on the couch.

She still felt exhausted from the whole ordeal and even just a little movement felt like such a hurdle to her right now. _That’s what happens if you abuse you authority and become addicted to medication_, she thought.

She didn’t know how she should feel about the whole Shikamaru-helping-her thing. On the one hand she was glad that he was spending his time with her. On the other hand, she didn’t want to deal with the nightmares, or the memories. Just thinking about confronting them made her feel sick and worthless. And the fact that she couldn’t even distract herself by working didn’t help. Just thinking back to her dream last night made her insides twist, her chest feeling tight with self-loathing. She didn’t want to think about the war anymore. Or all the people she couldn’t save.

She sat up and then picked up the book from the coffee table which she had wanted to read for over a month now. Maybe this would keep her mind occupied with other things. The book was about a love story between a civilian girl and a shinobi, who specialized in assassination. In the real world, romances between shinobi and civilians were rare, mostly because of the sheer differences in lifestyle. Civilians had trouble understanding the shinobi’s long absences on missions, the secrecy, and all the damage that came with being a shinobi in general. But within the realm of fiction, all these problems were far away and of no concern to the main characters, and they were always understanding and supportive of the Shinobi.

Sakura liked them because she could imagine life as a civilian. How it would have been in a different world, if she had made different decisions. Sometimes, she envied these women’s carefree attitude, free from the dangers of missions and violent deaths.

Sometimes she secretly wished she was like them.

She sighed and closed the book. She had finished it rather quickly. She would have to rent another one, but she didn’t want to go outside just yet. Instead, she went to put the laundry in the dryer, then started to clean the apartment a bit to keep herself busy. After the laundry was done, she dedicatedly folded it and put it away in the dresser and remade her bed so that it looked neat again. There wasn’t really anything else to do. Her fingers twitched in annoyance. How was she supposed to spend her days not working? She realized just how big a part of her life her work was to her. Who would have thought that she would turn out to be a workaholic?

She heard a knock on her front door and jumped up to answer it. Shikamaru was standing there with a few plastic bags in his hands and a hand raised in greeting.

“Hey, I got us some fried chicken and some dango for dessert.” He smiled at her and entered after she stepped to the side.

“Mhh, smells divine.” She followed him to the living room where he put down the food on the coffee table and then turned to the TV to put in the movie he had brought. She grabbed some chopsticks from the kitchen and then proceeded to take out the food from the bags. She thought it was a waste to pick up some plates, and she didn’t really want to wash them later anyway, so she left the food in their container.

She sat down and waited for him to finish with the TV. “What movie did you decide on?”, she asked him when he sat down next to her and handed her a container and then took one for himself. Their legs brushed against each other as they settled more comfortable against the couch. She tried to ignore it.

“I don’t really know, it’s one of the movies Ino brought over to watch together, but we never ended up watching it because she was too immersed in dishing up the latest gossip.” They started to eat.

“How’s Kakashi-sensei doing?”

“Oh, you know, despairing over paperwork as usual, oh and Tsunade got in trouble in Tea country. Apparently, she involved the Raikage in a drunken fist fight.” She snorted at that. She knew how her master could get when she was drunk, she didn’t know how she pulled off Kakashi sending her on this diplomatic mission. She was honestly a mess.

“Yeah, apparently the Tsuchikage had to separate them or they would have leveled the village they were in.” she was giggling now, thinking about the small man trying to keep the two hot-blooded people from starting an international incident.

“Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. I don’t know how she managed to have Kakashi sign off on this mission.” She vaguely followed the plot of the movie while she talked to him. Shikamaru put down the empty container on the coffee table and stretched his arms and arranged himself more comfortably on the couch. With one arm lazily stretched out behind her.

“I was there when it happened. She threatened him with a beating if he wouldn’t let her go on a vacation. He ended up agreeing under the condition that she took the diplomatic mission, so he didn’t need to go himself. You know how he hates socializing.” She smiled at that.

“How he ever became Hokage is beyond me.” She felt him play with her hair at her neck and shuddered. She put away the still half full container on the table because she felt too full already and settled back against the couch. She settled closer to his side so that he had to stop playing with her hair and instead had to sling his arm over her shoulder, his fingers brushing the top of her arm. Much better.

They watched the movie in silence, but the quiet didn’t feel awkward or oppressive. She could feel his thumb rubbing along her shoulder in soothing circles, it seemed to be a habit of his. She knew from experience that he hugged Ino like this whenever they would sit next to each other, so she knew he was only being comfortable with a friend. But still, she wasn’t used to such a familiar touch, and she internally stressed out about it too much. It didn’t mean anything. She told herself over and over until it became a mantra in her mind.

Although the circumstances weren’t ideal, she didn’t realize how much she missed being with a friend like this until tonight. After the war, each of them had been busy with their own stuff, Ino with taking over the clan in her father’s state and Naruto had been busy with learning the ropes from Kakashi-sensei. Shikamaru as well must have been busy with clan business. After his father died in the war, he was next in line to take over the clan. And Sakura had been busy with reestablishing the hospital with Tsunade’s help. They were still on it actually. After the war, many shinobi suffered from PTSD and similar problems. Because of this, they decided to establish a whole ward dedicated to psychological illnesses.

Although they had psych-evals and the like, an effective treatment of psychological diseases had been widely ignored until a year ago. But after the war, there were too many people with psychological problems, and it would have been detrimental to the village if they had ignored it any longer. But it took time and experience to develop such a complex field of medicine, and a few weeks ago even Tsunade had caved to the stress and exhaustion that came with it.

She didn’t blame her. Sakura had caved a lot earlier than that, but no one had noticed until Shikamaru.

The movie ended without her noticing. She had been to immersed in her thoughts to realize. She excused herself and went to the bathroom and Shikamaru headed to the balcony for a smoke. She grabbed the dango and joined him and she handed him his share and started to peel of one of the round balls from the stick with her teeth. It was a messy business, but it was ultimately worth the trouble when she tasted the sweetness of the sauce mixed with the denseness of the rice balls.

The summer heat had finally started to make way to cooler temperatures. The cool summer breeze mixed with the smell of tobacco and she couldn’t say that she minded. She had come to like the smell of tobacco after having Shikamaru around so much for the last few days, and the weeks before that when he popped up at random times.

“Can I try?” She looked at him from the side and he raised an eyebrow at her question but offered her the cigarette. She took a tentative pull and immediately coughed and grimaced. He chuckled. She handed it back to him and he took it without comment. “That’s disgusting. How can you stand the taste?” She immediately peeled another dango off the stick and his eyes followed the motion of her mouth, before they flickered away again.

“You get used to the taste. And, well, I don’t do it because of the taste. The smell of tobacco reminds me of Asuma. It’s comforting in a way, like I’m keeping some part of him alive by doing this.” He finished his dango. She hummed in answer. She didn’t quite understand. When her parents died, she got rid of all their stuff. She couldn’t handle the memories that kept popping up whenever she stumbled upon one of their belongings. The reminders had been too painful.

“I met him, you know. During the war.” The mood had suddenly become more serious. But she didn’t interrupt him. “We were on the battlefield when Ino, Choji and I had to fight him. He asked us to end him. I still remember the proud smile on his face when he was finally sealed.” She was glad for him. She knew how hard he had taken his death. How he had blamed himself.

There had been no forgivingness for her. Not on the battlefield. And not here. She remembered Neji’s expression when he died. The fear palpable in his eyes. And Hinata’s resentment at her for not being able to save him. She wished for so many things to be different. She sometimes wondered, if things would have been different had she stayed with Hinata.

Would she have forgiven her?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I think there will only be one update this week. As you've probably noticed, the chapters are becoming quite long, and it does take a lot of time to review and edit these chapters.  
Enjoy :)

She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to dispel the sudden coldness that had enveloped her. She knew why Shikamaru had shared his story. It was so it made him seem relatable. But she still felt reluctant to share her story. She had never told anybody about what had happened back then. About before she had been called to the frontline and helped take down a crazy goddess. Before she had become a symbol of peace, a hero, a savior.

She felt his eyes on her, but unlike before, it made her feel uncomfortable. He expected her to tell him everything just like that, but it wasn't so easy for her to talk about these things. If it were that easy, she would have done it with someone else already.

And the nightmare still felt too raw to her, too real. And she didn't want to talk about it. She stayed silent, and they both just stood there, both deep in thought. Maybe Shikamaru was remembering the events from the war, just like Sakura was. But ultimately, they had different feelings about their memories. Shikamaru had taken vengeance and been rewarded with forgiveness from his mentor. But there was no such thing for Sakura. Even though she had defeated the enemy, a fucking goddess, Sakura wasn't freed from the guilt, hadn't received absolution. She would never receive it. And the guilt of that knowledge hung low in her stomach, always present, always reminding her.

Of her mistakes.

Of her worthlessness.

Shikamaru finished his cigarette, and they both went inside. She went to her room to collect the blanket and pillow and brought it to him, and then turned around to head to her room. Before she reached it, however, Shikamaru cleared his throat.

"Sakura…", she looked over her shoulders. He opened his mouth and then closed it again. "…goodnight.", for a moment, she thought he was going to say something else. Maybe he thought better of it. Or maybe he was just too lazy to say any more. Sakura was too tired to think about it, and she nodded at him and went to bed.

The next few days repeated in the same pattern. Shikamaru stayed overnights, in the morning she would wake up to find him making breakfast. They talked about trivial things, and every morning he would ask her how she slept, and she would tell him that she had slept fine, and he would accept it even though she suspected he knew that it was a lie.

The nightmares continued. Every night she would dream of either Neji or her team or her parents. She felt exhausted and napped during the day when Shikamaru was at work. The worst about her situation was that there was nothing to do. She didn't have to go to work, so her days were filled with silence and contemplation. After spending the whole day at home with nothing to do, Sakura was looking forward to Shikamaru visiting her.

He would always come back in the early afternoon or evening. It became sort of a routine. And after the few days they spent like that she felt like she couldn't live without it. She liked spending time with Shikamaru. He instinctively knew when the silence felt oppressive to her, and would immediately start talking about work, about their friends, about his family, or the village.

And she also learned new things about Shikamaru, and that he was a very touchy-feely kind of person.

Some days, she felt that she craved this part of him, the way he would initiate these little touches, here and there. When their fingers brushed when they reached for the same object. Or the way their legs brushed against each other when they would sit on the couch and watch a movie. The way he played with her hair. The way he would hold her hand and squeeze it for a second, then let go. Those days, she loved to feel the warmth of his skin on hers.

But other days, she couldn't stand the touch. Days, when she flinched away from him, when his skin felt like it was burning her.

When she felt like she didn't deserve him.

She would be in a bad mood, and snap at him in annoyance. But he stayed with her. And she didn't know why he bothered. It was those days when the craving for the pills became almost unbearable.

Today was such a day. She knew she was making it difficult for him. But she had dreamt about Neji's death again, and Hinata's words kept repeating over and over in her head. She kept avoiding his eyes during dinner, and he tried to make conversation, but she was too fidgety to concentrate and barely responded to his words.

"Let's go out and take a breather.", she nodded and followed him, the smell of tobacco always calming. Maybe he knew and that was why he suggested it.

For a while, they just stood there, looking over the village, while Shikamaru smoked. Sakura couldn't take the silence anymore. It felt too oppressive.

"You know, you should really quit smoking. Cancer's no joke." He raised an eybrow at her.

"Mhh, Shinobi rarely die of cancer, as a medic you should be aware of this.", she snorted and then fell silent. It was true. Shinobi rarely died of some disease. They usually died on a mission. Killed by enemies. It was a sad truth, not knowing if what she said to her friends would be her last words to them. She tried to remember what she had talked about with Neji before he died, but she couldn't remember, no matter how hard she tried.

"I guess you're right. 'A shinobi's life is unpredictable', huh." She shifted so that she was leaning on the railing, putting her weight on her arms, "when Iruka told us that at the graduation ceremony I never thought that phrase would have such a dark side to it." Iruka had told them about the danger's of being a shinobi, but she had been a child, and she couldn't have imagined the horrors that she would see a few years later.

"I don't think any of us could have imagined how our life would turn out, that we would have to fight in a war to save the world. Or that we would lose so many people…and friends alike." She turned around, no longer able to look at the village, the words having hit a spot deep within her. She frowned as she looked away from him, deliberately not meeting his eyes that bored into her skin.

She knew where he was getting at. He was tenacious just like Naruto was, but with a lot more finesse and trickery up his sleeves. But still, she had hoped he would let sleeping dogs lie, and wouldn't ask her to share this story of her mistakes, her failures.

And he had chosen such good timing as well, when her guard was down because of the nightmares. She almost wanted to applaud him. Almost.

She sighed.

"Ino is starting to rub off on you. I'm not sure I like it.", she said and peeked at him from her side. She could see the corners of his mouth lifting in what looked like a humorous smile, before he took another drag and puffed out the smoke.

"Is it working?" She huffed and took some time to think about how she was going to start her story. Of how she was going to tell him of their friend's death. She wondered for a second if he suspected or even knew about what happened during the war, but he was able to hide his thoughts well, his expression giving nothing away. She sighed again and looked down at her feet.

"I was there when Neji died. Or, it is more accurate so say that Neji died because of me." She paused, but he didn't interrupt her. "The platoon I was part of had been called to assist his' after we were informed that they had been overrun with enemies. When we arrived on the battlefield it was chaos. We had to fight ourselves through a mass of Zetsu and reanimated to reach them. I was separated the moment I joined the fight, but I after what felt like hours, I finally met Neji and Hinata in the melee. By that time, I was already exhausted, and it was hard to keep track of all the enemies and…well Neji protected me when a Zetsu attacked me from behind. He was pierced through the chest and stomach. It was supposed to be me but…he took the hit for me. I tried to heal him but when I realized that his injuries were to grave I-" She stopped talking, too emotional to continue.

She felt him sling an arm around her and then she suddenly found herself in an embrace, her head on his chest. He smelt of musk and tobacco. She liked that smell.

"I didn't know you were there. You know it's not your fault though, right?" He rubbed her back and she slung her arms around his waist and closed her eyes. All she could see was Hinata's expression of rage and sadness and accusation.

It should have been you.

"Yeah well, I haven't told anyone about this. I…I stopped healing him. Hinata was furious. She yelled at me, but there was nothing I could do and then…" she kept quiet about the last words Hinata had spoken that day. That was something she would never tell anybody.

Even without voicing it he understood completely what she hadn't said. That he had died. That their friend had died. "Hinata was devastated of course. I didn't want to leave her, not after she had lost her cousin like that. But…I couldn't stay with her. By then the fight had mostly been won, and my platoon was called to another camp. They needed medics to counteract the income of the many injured and including me there were a total of three medics on our platoon. So, I left." She balled her fist at his back not able to hold back her tears anymore. A sob threatened to escape her, but she held it in.

He gently put his hands on each side of her face. Then he lifted her head, so she had no choice but to meet his eyes. He looked at her softly, and she couldn't find a trace of the disappointment she was sure to find in his eyes. "Shhh, you know it's not your fault, none of it is."

"If only I had been more alert, he wouldn't have taken the hit for me Shikamaru! And then to add insult to injury, I left her there on the battlefield, by herself. I shouldn't have…I should have stayed with her." He wiped her tears with his thumbs, but she was frantic by now. The memories still vivid and clear in her head, and she knew that the guilt must have been palpable in her eyes.

"Listen Sakura, war is unpredictable like that. We lost many people back then, but that is the price we paid for saving the world. We all knew when going in that we could lose our lives, Neji knew that. And so did Hinata." He kissed her forehead and somehow his words and gesture reached her because she was finally able to calm down. His touch felt soothing, and the pounding in her chest slowed down to a normal rhythm.

The guilt was still there. She didn't think it would go away so easily. But her chest felt a little bit lighter than before, the anxiousness dissipating a little bit.

Even if she didn't deserve it.

"There's something else there, something you're not telling me." He said and she froze in his embrace. How could he know? How could she tell him?

She shook her head and wiped away the rest of her tears and stepped back to put some distance between them, suddenly becoming aware of their position and how her front was pressed against his chest. She felt weird being held so closely by him. This weird warm feeling had spread in her chest, a feeling she didn't want to analyze too much.

Naruto liked to hug people and she had been one of many that had fallen victim to his spontaneous warm hugs. She thought it had something to do with how he grew up unloved as a child. A coping mechanism, to reassure him that his friends really did love him.

But this hug had felt different to her. Now that she had time to analyze his actions, she was scared.

She didn't want to hope.

She didn't deserve to hope.

Her hopes and dreams never came true anyway.

She could feel him staring. Waiting for her to continue. But she kept quiet and he seemed to realize that this was how far she was willing to go.

"Come on, let's go inside, I'm sure you're as tired as me. We could use some sleep." He gently pushed her towards the door and together they went inside. She grabbed the spare pillow and blanket and brought it to him. Then she went to bed by herself. They didn't exchange many words. She felt too emotionally exhausted, analyzing his words, thinking about the dream she had. About Neji. And Hinata.

She fell asleep almost as soon as she closed her eyes, the emotional roller coaster having tired her out completely.

She hoped she wouldn't dream.

Then again, she never got what she wanted anyway.

The tent was busy with healers bustling around, the air stale and the smell of iron and dirt predominant. Sakura was working on a shinobi who lost his leg, trying to stem the bleeding and connecting the severed nerve endings with the ones still left. It was hard work that needed her full concentration. She blocked out the groans of pain and the occasional raised voices calling for help, as one mistake could end up as a lifetime of pain if she wasn't being careful.

"Sweat", she said and the nurse next to her jumped to attention and wiped away the sweat from her forehead. Sakura didn't blink. Her eyes stung due to their dryness, but she didn't dare blink. She was at a very crucial part of the surgery.

"Haruno-san, we need your help here immediately." Just another minute, damn it! Can't you see that this is taking up my full concentration? There, finally she finished her work and gave it up to the doctor standing opposite her. "You can take over from here."

She took off her gloves and threw them in a trash to her left, then followed the nurse that had been waiting impatiently, hopping from one foot to the other. She listened to the nurse as she listed of the patient's injuries. "Multiple lacerations" and "internal bleeding" being the least of her worries. The longer the list became the more worried she became. This sounded like an impossible case. She was surprised this person was still alive.

They arrived at the stretch and all color drained from her face. It was Hinata. Immediately Sakura gave instructions her hands sending chakra into the patient's body, trying to find a way to save her friend. She started working, redirecting the blood into the vessels before healing them, but there was so much internal bleeding that she found it almost impossible to keep up with it. She knew this was a race with time. Hinata was already unconscious and had lost so much blood.

Suddenly her friend's heart stopped, she and the other healers worked tirelessly to restart it, pumping an inordinate amount of chakra into her friend's chest, trying to elicit some kind of reaction. Finally, they managed, although Hinata's heart started beating almost hesitantly, her heartbeat, she knew was too weak. But she would take what they could get. They worked for hours. About two hours in they finally received the needed blood transfusions, she left the nurse to handle it while she continued on with the healing. After another half an hour she went on to heal the head injuries, now that they had taken care of the most life-threatening injuries. Sakura thought that they had made it finally. It looked like her friend would make it.

Just as she started to relax a bit her friend started to spasm. "What's going on?" The nurses scrambled around trying to hold down her limbs, pressing down. She sent in some chakra into the body when she finally realized the mistake with horror. Immediately her head snapped up to the nurse handling the blood transfusions "You! What blood type is the blood in those bags?" The nurse looked confused then seemed to realize what Sakura meant when she turned around and took a good look at the labels from the different blood bags. One of them was different. One of them was the cause for her friend's death. No. She was responsible for not checking the bags in the first place.

"Oh Kami! It must have gotten mixed up by accident, Oh no." With dread Sakura felt her friend go limp. Her heart stopped. Nobody moved. They all knew that they couldn't save her. Tears fell down her face.

The nurse in question had become deathly pale. Sakura knew that mistakes happen. Especially in busy times. But fate was too cruel. Sakura looked at the nurse, her face devoid of all emotions. She knew the nurse was going to blame herself for the rest of her life. And so would Sakura. From the back she heard someone call her name. There were other patients in need of saving.

She tried to ignore the other feelings that rose to the surface. The self-hatred. The self-accusation. The sadness of losing a friend.

"Who brought her in?" She asked the group of people. One of them must know. Another nurse answered.

"Her father is waiting outside." She whispered, but Sakura understood her clearly. She turned to the nurse that had killed her friend.

"You will tell her father." Then she turned around and walked to her next patient. There was a surplus of injured shinobi who were still alive, who needed her help. As she walked away, she tried and failed to dispel the guilt that hung low in her stomach, the guilt that, with every step, seemed to become heavier. She was sad. Devastated at another loss that could have been prevented. And a little part, a very small part of her felt relived. Relieved that she would never have to meet her friend's eyes anymore, filled with anger, accusation.

How could she feel relieved at her friend's death? What sort of person had she become? She felt disgusted. Disgusted at herself. She had become a monster, a friend killer. Someone who enjoyed her friend's death.

She started working again with a blank expression on her face. No. it was more accurate to say she didn't feel anything anymore. She wanted this war to end.

She wanted to forget.

To forget the person, she had become in this cruel, fucked up war.

And in the back of her head echoed her friend's last words to her.

"It should have been you."

She opened her eyes, her body feeling restless. She just lay there looking at the ceiling as she let the memories flow into her. Hinata. She never told anyone what had happened that day. She hadn't seen her father once since then. She knew he was alive, but she doubted he knew she had been the attending healer at the time. He had lost two children in the war.

And Sakura was the cause of it.

Hanabi must have been devastated as well, losing two siblings. She had adored both Neji and Hinata, and both of them had put in a lot of time and effort into training her. Now the responsibility of the Hyuuga-clan rested on her shoulders. She would have to take over once she reached a respectable age.

Hinata was gone because of her.

Logically speaking, Sakura knew it hadn't been her mistake. But deep down she still blamed herself. Blamed herself for not checking the blood, for being too hasty. She had always prided herself in being a perfectionist, of meticulously checking every detail of a procedure. But during the war there had been no time, the influx of patients too great to check every detail. Hinata wasn't the only patient she had lost. There were many others, whose name she didn't know or forgot, whose faces disappeared into the obscurity of her memory.

But Hinata was her friend. And she should have taken the time of double checking, and no matter what, when she remembered Hinata, gentle and compassionate Hinata, the dull ache of pain in her chest worsened, a constant reminder that she had been partially at fault for her death. Sakura's parents' death might have been the nail in the coffin, but it had been Hinata's death that had pushed her into the coffin and put the lid on it in the first place.

She turned on her side but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't fall back asleep. She pushed back the covers and threw her legs over the edge of the bed. Tiredly, she rubbed at her face. It was still dark outside, and when Sakura checked the time on her alarm o'clock, it showed 6 in the morning. She hadn't slept for too long. She stood up and made her bed, then she quietly opened her door and tiptoed into the bathroom to take a shower.

Because there was ample time even after she took a long shower, she decided to treat her body as a temple for once and massaged in some of the expensive lotions she had received as a present from Ino for her last birthday. Then she treated the tips of her hair with some oil because she saw some of them were split and then went back to her bedroom. She avoided looking at the couch. But she suspected that he was already awake from the noise of the shower.

When she entered the living area it was to see Shikamaru sitting up, rubbing his tired face. "If you want to take a shower, towels are in the cupboard under the sink." She tried not to think too much of her heart skipping a beat when she saw a sleepy Shikamaru.

"Ah, thanks." She heard him go into the bathroom then started on breakfast. She cooked up a quick Miso soup, then fried up the fish she had bought a few days ago, the rice was ready and she silently thanked Shikamaru for thinking of setting the timer last night. It was a simple meal. She poured two glasses of juice and set them with the dish wares on the table. When she heard him turning off the shower, she started to put the food on the dishes and carried them to the table as well.

She was just finished setting the table when he emerged from the bathroom, toweling his hair, he was wearing shinobi gear, but it was the first time she saw him with his hair down. His hair reached his shoulders, some of it still dripping wet, a few droplets of water dropping unto his Jounin west. He looked wild, and she thought that this hairstyle represented his laziness more thoroughly than when he had it tied. She liked it.

"Something wrong?" he asked her after he felt her gaze at her for a long time.

"N-no. Let's eat."

"Hmmm, alright." They dug in and Shikamaru seemed to like it because he made some appreciative noises.

"Do you have any plans for today?", he asked her, and she thought about it while chewing. She could feel his eyes on her but she didn't meet them, instead taking great interest in her plate.

"Hmm, I was thinking of going to the library to return the book and maybe procure a few others.", she was fed up with staying indoors, and she needed something to do, "Might as well spend the morning there, because I have nothing to do. I was also planning on going shopping afterwards. We used up all the food in the fridge. What about you?"

"I have to work in the morning, but I'm free after one o'clock. I can help you with the shopping if you want.", her eyes flickered up to look at him but immediatly looked down again when they met his. She could feel heat rise in her cheeks and quickly took a sip from the miso soup.

"Oh, you don't have to do that." She felt like she had already taken up too much of his time. It was a relief to talk to Shikamaru, and for the first time in weeks, no, months she felt like the dull weight in her stomach had lifted a fraction. She still blamed herself of course, because she had been responsible for Neji's death, but the way he had comforted her…and him spending time with her had helped her in some way, even if she felt that she wasn't ready to share anything else just yet.

"I wouldn't offer if I didn't want to."His hand quickly came to rest on top of hers and squeezed, and she could feel the heat from his palm, and her heart skipped another beat. In recent days he would often touch her like this, touch her hand, brush back her hair...but this time she didn't know why it would make her feel so...unsettled. She quickly took out her hand from under his and grabbed her glass to take a sip from the juice. That didn't seem too obvious.

"Well alright, thanks. Do you want to meet at front of the tower at 1 o'clock, after you're finished with work?" she asked him. She sat back in her chair, her portion only half eaten. Shikamaru was just finishing his portion. He didn't remark on her lack of appetite.

"Yeah sounds good." He was just about to reach for the dishes when she interrupted him.

"I'll do the dishes. You probably have to hurry on to the tower anyway." He was already pulling his hair up into a pony.

"Thanks, I'll see you at one?" She could feel his eyes on her back, and she quickly gave her assent befor she heard him leave. With a sigh she stopped cleaning and squatted down burying her head in her hands. The atmosphere had felt charged with something. Her heart pounded in her chest. Was this a date? Going grocery shopping didn't sound like a good date. Maybe he just wanted to spend some time as friends? Or maybe the information from yesterday wasn't enough for him. Shikamaru had always been unable to resist a good puzzle.

Suddenly, her mood dived, as she realized what must be his real intention and motivator behind his sudden interest in being with her. He must feel intrigued by the mystery, of the secrets she's keeping. It all made sense now. She shook her head and ignored the small tweak of agony in her chest. She should have expected this. She stood up and decided to put this out of her mind.

She finished washing the dishes and put them away, then readied a bag and went to the library. It was still early so there weren't many people in the library. She returned the book, then went to the fiction section to see if there was anything that interested her. She spent an hour selecting various books and then decided to catch up on some medical journals. There was bound to be something interesting, so she quickly made her way there.

After some consideration she selected some about psychological illnesses she hadn't read yet, and one about a new treatment for poisons she had heard of but hadn't had the time to peruse yet. She carried all the books to a table, took a seat and started reading. She spent the morning immersed in the books not once feeling the need to take a break. She decided to rent all of them, because she was on vacation anyway and had the necessary time to read them. It was already past one o'clock when she hurriedly left the library and made her way towards the tower. Her heart was pounding in her chest because of how she had hurried towards the tower…

Shikamaru was standing together with Ino, and Ino seemed to be teasing him, as he blushed and scratched his chin embarrassedly. Ino was regarding him with an evil grin. When they saw her hurrying over, Ino waved at her and greeted her. Shikamaru looked relieved. What was that about?

"Hey Sakura!"

"Ino! Good to see you. How are you?"

"Good. I heard from Shika that you're on vacation. Let's have lunch tomorrow, just the two of us, like old times. I've got lots to tell you!" she said with a mischievous glint in her eye. Sakura didn't really feel up to spending time with Ino, but when she saw the unsure expression on her friend's face she agreed. Ino was her friend, and she really had neglected her in the past. It might be time to make it up to her.

"Well I have to go, Mom asked me to help out in the flower shop. See you tomorrow. I'll come by your apartment at noon?"

"Sounds good." She said to Ino as she left in the direction of the flower shop. Then she turned to Shikamaru. "Sorry I'm late, forgot the time."

"It's alright. Ino needed to talk anyway." He said somewhat sheepishly.

She had been wondering about what could make Shikamaru blush, so she asked curiously. "Oh? About what?"

"Uh, you know, it was just Ino being her usual annoying self. I'm sure she will tell you all about it tomorrow." Hmmm, now she really wanted to know. But as she didn't want to pry into his private business too much, she let it go. After all, she knew the importance of having one or two secrets.

They quickly finished the shopping with Shikamaru insisting on carrying the bags, because she was already carrying the books and it wouldn't be the gentlemanly thing to let the girl carry the bags. She let him because the books were sort of heavy and she was glad she didn't have to carry the shopping bags. He carried the bags into the kitchen and excused himself to the balcony for a quick smoke as she put away all the food, then decided to make a quick and easy salad for lunch.

She quickly stuck her head outside and asked Shikamaru if he also wanted some, and after his assent she made two portions and decided to carry it to the coffee table, instead of the table. They talked about the latest tower gossip and she told him about the new interesting method for treating poisons she had read about this morning. He was an attentive listener, and he always had something to contribute to the conversation. Naruto often didn't understand the medical jargon and after only a few minutes she had to change the topic to something simpler, but Shikamaru seemed to be interested in her work and asked many questions.

"I haven't seen you this excited about work in a while." She smiled apologetically, she could go on for ages talking about medicine and treatments.

"Sorry, we can talk about something else. I know how I can get a little bit too excited when the topic is about medicine." She said, feeling slightly embarrassed on how easy it was to let go when talking to Shikamaru.

"I didn't mean it as a bad thing, it's just that you've looked so exhausted lately, like work was more of a burden to you than a passion. It's good to see you like this." She realized that what he had said was true. She hadn't felt like this in ages. Before, she had been so busy with establishing a new ward and taking over other responsibilities in the hospital that she didn't have time to do research on the topics she liked. And after she had fought Sasori and defeated him, she had developed a passion for poisons and their treatments. But she never had the time to delve into the subject afterwards, too busy with fighting Akatsuki and the war. And after her parents' death she had stopped thinking about her passions and interests.

Thinking about her parents made her replace the smile with a somber expression. She looked down at her hands in her lap. He tugged her hair behind her ear to get a better look at her face.

"You know you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But I'm here if you want to talk." At that moment, she felt immensely grateful to Shikamaru that he didn't force her to talk. She tilted her head so she could look at him and then she hugged him. She pressed her face into his neck. She could smell the earthy smell of the woods mixed in with the smell of tobacco. She didn't know why he continued to make her feel so calm and vulnerable at the same time. He was able to circumvent her carefully erected walls with ease.

It was kind of scary to think of it that way.

"Thanks, Shika." He hugged her closer and for a second buried his head in her hair.

"It's no problem." He leaned back, to lie more comfortably on the couch and she followed, half lying on his chest, but she didn't want to let go yet. He didn't complain.

"No really Shikamaru. Thanks for being here." She got up enough to look at him and smiled.

"You're welcome Sakura. Anytime." He brushed some hair, that had gotten in her way, behind her ear. She had seen him do it in an affectionate brotherly way with Ino, so she didn't dare read into it too much. But her treacherous heart still quickened its pace.

"On another note, today I saw Naruto. He complained to me all morning about Sasuke giving him the cold shoulder and how he was going to take his revenge by, and I quote, 'painting on his face in his sleep so that he learns his lesson and spends some time with his friends'." Sakura imagined Sasuke's usual grumpy and too serious face marred with permanent marker, because let's face it, Naruto wouldn't use anything less than that. She let out a snort.

"That sounds like the usual Naruto. Can you imagine? Sasuke would be furious. He would chase Naruto around the village, trying to murder him." she couldn't hold it in anymore and started to laugh in earnest.

"Exactly as he planned. You know, it's scary to think of Naruto as smart enough to come up with such a genius plan." That made her laugh even more. She knew what he meant. It was hard to imagine that Naruto, who always acted like an idiot, would devise such an evil plan to garner Sasuke's attention.

"In a way those two act more like an old couple than friends." He said after they had calmed down a bit. She knew he had meant it as a joke but now that she thought about it, it didn't seem like such a stretch. Naruto had chased him for years, and after fighting Naruto in the valley of death he had decided to come back. She wondered what had happened. Naruto had once told her that he thought they would fight to the death. But they had both made it out alive, with one less arm, but still.

He sat up after seeing her contemplating. "What are you thinking about so hard?" She looked at him for a second, then decided to share.

"Well, I think those two would make a good couple, you know?" She said with an evil glint in her eyes. He smirked. "Troublesome woman. If you want to get those two together you will need Ino's scheming mind." Shikamaru readjusted himself beneath her, and she suddenly realized how close they were sitting. She was practically sitting on his thigh, a result of her throwing herself at him earlier. She blushed when he, once again, brushed her hair behind her ear. Only this time he didn't retrieve his hand, but let it wander to her cheek. "And maybe if you ask me nicely, I might be inclined to help as well." He said as his eyes flickered to her mouth.

Her lips parted and she ran her tongue over their dryness. His eyes caught the movement. Slowly, ever so slowly, he closed the distance until his mouth softly touched hers. Her heart fluttered in her chest. She closed her eyes and returned the pressure only slightly moving her lips against his'. His other hand came to rest at her throat, his thumb gently running along her jaw. The featherlight touch sent a shiver down her spine. Heat pooled in her stomach.

She didn't want this kiss to stop.

They separated slowly. she could feel his warm breath on her parted lips. She opened her eyes and saw his already open, looking at her, and she felt like she would become lost in the depth of eyes.

"Is this okay?" he said, asking for permission while running his thumb across her lips. He followed the movement with his eyes then looked back up. He was waiting for an answer.

"Yes." Her whisper was barely audible. She wanted this moment to continue for just a little while longer. Before he could reconsider his actions.

He lowered his head once more and she ran her hand through his hair until she touched his hair tie that held it. His lips met hers once again, this time firmer, his tongue seeking entrance. He pushed her backwards until her back met he couch as she pulled out his hair tie, freeing his hair, making it easier for her hands to grab it. She let out a breathless moan as his tongue entered her mouth, his kiss becoming bolder, more forceful. Her left hand left his hair and travelled down his back and clenched his mesh shirt with her fist.

The kiss became heated, frantic, their tongues battling for dominance. Their breath mingled and he let out a low groan when her hips bucked up into him. His hand travelled down her side, not quite touching her breast, down her ribs and stopped at her waist. He gripped her tightly and tugged her closer as he repositioned himself, his hips pressing more firmly between her legs. She moaned when she felt something hard against her, needing more movement, more pressure, anything to satisfy the need between her legs that had emerged suddenly from within her. She felt herself becoming wet between her legs, the need to touch herself, to have him touch her becoming almost unbearable.

Her hand on his back moved beneath his t-shirt and started to trace his skin that felt hot to her touch. Her other hand travelled down his hips and grabbed his skin, nails digging in hard. The kiss became even more frantic, his lips almost bruising hers as he moved his hips in at agonizingly slow pace, creating just the right friction to increase her need tenfold. They separated, the sensation too intense for them to continue kissing.

"Fuck Sakura." He said while looking at her, his eyes filled with lust and admiration. She must look like a wanton, cheeks flushed, desire evident in her eyes. She waited for him to continue, but he just traced a hand down her cheek. Slowly, a playful smirk appeared on his face. He lowered himself again, but this time the kiss didn't feel rushed, the heated passion from before gone. He kissed her gently, taking his time, moving his lips at a languid pace. Slowly her heart started to calm down, the need from before that had felt like a burst of flame between her legs had deflated to kindle. Finally, after what felt like eternity, his tongue invaded her mouth, playfully teasing her. His thumb continued to rub lazy pattern on her skin.

Then he placed two tender kisses to the corners of her mouth. She smiled at his gentleness. Her hand that had grabbed his hip slowly moved back to gently run through his hair, the other staying beneath his shirt. She liked touching his back, feeling his muscles shift beneath her palm when he moved.

"We'll have to stop here for now." He gently pressed his lips to hers in a closed-mouthed kiss. She moved her lips invitingly and for a few minutes they kissed like that, unhurriedly. He gently bit her lower lip then separated again. "As fun as this is, my mother is expecting me. She has some clan business to discuss with me.

"Are you sure?" She smiled wickedly as she wrapped her legs around his hip. He tried and failed to suppress a groan at the contact of his hard member with her stomach. He closed his eyes and said "Troublesome woman.", and moved to sit on his knees her legs still wrapped around his hips. He looked at her and placed his hands on her hips, then slowly moved them down her thigh over her knees and then around her ankles, his touch sending a delicious shiver down her spine. He tugged and separated her legs and then let out a regrettable sigh.

"You don't know how much I regret saying this now but yes, I'm sure. I want to take my time with you, and I can't do that when I'm supposed to meet my mother in thirty minutes." She opened her mouth, but he stopped her before she could say anything. "And before you say anything, I'd like to remind you that I don't want to meet my mother with a hard-on." She pouted but then smiled and sat up.

"Alright." She put her hands in her lap and tried hard not to think of the wetness between her legs.

"Hopefully the meeting won't take all afternoon. Are we still on for dinner?" He stood up and adjusted his pants, grimacing slightly at the discomfort. She hadn't known that they were eating dinner together, but she wasn't going to say no to it, not after his promise for more. She was glad he didn't change his mind about wanting her. She wanted to explore this feeling as long as she could.

She got up as well and followed him to the door. Then he kissed her softly on her lips.

"I'll see you tonight." He murmured then kissed her once again. She hummed in agreement and then he was gone in a flash. She closed the door behind her then slowly sank to the ground. She buried her head in her hands.

What just happened?


	8. Chapter 8

Sakura panicked. How had an innocent lunch turned out into a make out session that included them heavily rubbing each other in…that place?

Why?

How?

What?

She had even teased him, had wantonly wrapped her legs around him and pressed up against him like she knew what she was doing. Just thinking about it brought a blush to her face, and a slight tingle to her stomach. But tingle aside, how could she do that?

Sakura groaned out loud. How was she ever going to live this down once he found out that she wasn’t as experienced as she hinted at? Because she wasn’t. Experienced, that is.

Does he know? Could he guess from the inexperienced way she had moved? Oh Kami, she didn’t want to think about it.

The way things had escalated from kissing to

And why did he kiss her? Did he have feelings for her? Probably not judging by the way the physical aspect of the relationship had…progressed in such a short time period. The way they had instantly gone from kissing to dry humping indicated that he was at least interested in a physical relationship. And after experiencing the explosive desire that had ignited within her when he had kissed her was indication enough that she felt the same way. He had awakened something that had laid dormant for a long time now, and now she wanted to see where this was going.

She wanted to experience sex. No, she _needed_ to experience sex. Finally, she understood all the things Ino had talked about, and she wanted to see what else there was. On the one hand, she felt extremely embarrassed now at her inexperience and wondered if sleeping with a friend was actually the way to go for her first time. Normally, you would do it with someone you loved, whom you trusted, and although she didn’t love Shikamaru, she did trust him.

But she didn’t know how he felt about the whole thing. Maybe the kiss was just a momentary lapse in judgement. If that was the case, she didn’t want to put him in a difficult place. He was a friend first and foremost, and she didn’t want to jeopardize their friendship just because she was feeling horny. Extremely horny.

And that was the cusp of the problem, wasn’t it? They hadn’t talked about any of this. They hadn’t talked about how he was helping her or about how long he planned to stick around. And she didn’t quite know if the kissing incident was part of the whole healing process. Now that she thought about it, the way he had abruptly stopped ‘the rubbing incident’ by claiming to have a meeting with his mother seemed suspicious the more she thought about it.

Maybe he really didn’t want her after all? This…was confusing. She needed answers. This is why people talked before they reached the rubbing-themselves-wantonly-over-each-other-stage. She didn’t know how to process this.

If only she had a point of reference, someone she could talk to about this. Ino would be perfect in this situation, but what if this whole thing ended up as something innocent and Sakura was blowing it out of proportions without reason? No, she couldn’t go to Ino and ask for advice.

Right. She would take this step by step. If it ended up as something casual, which she highly hoped but secretly knew was unlikely, then she would just roll with it. And if he didn’t want her that way she could always hide it, and maybe try it out with someone else out there, though she didn’t feel overly confident in herself about meeting a stranger and doing it for the first time.

No matter. She wasn’t feeling too attached yet, on a scale of nothing to Sasuke she was relatively close to nothing. Possibly close to the middle. Between the middle and nothing...

She slapped her cheeks. Okay. _Calm down. You’ve got this_. So, dinner. Let’s see what she could make for dinner. It should be something easy, as not to overdo it too much. Pasta sounded good. Maybe with a mushroom sauce. There. She could totally do this. Wait.

It was dinner so was she supposed to wear something nice? Like a dress? No, she didn’t want to seem desperate. Casual would be better. But what should she wear? She stood up and went to her room and opened her closet. A skirt would be nice. Didn’t she have that green skirt that fell just above her knees? She took the skirt out and then put it on the bed. Then she selected a black top, which left her shoulders exposed. It didn’t show any cleavage, so she thought it wasn’t too over the top. As for the underwear, she chose simple black panties and a black brassiere, she didn’t own anything racy or sexy of the sort, but she didn’t peg Shikamaru as someone who cared for that. Not that she was hoping for him to see them.

She still had plenty of time left until dinner time, so she decided to spend it reading. That way she could at least try to take her mind off of dinner. She immersed herself in the book completely forgetting about her panicked state for a few hours until it was 6 o’clock and she thought it would be better to take a shower now and prepare all the ingredients for later. She wouldn’t start cooking until he arrived, and he hadn’t told her an exact time he would be arriving. She took a quick shower then dressed in the cloths she had chosen earlier. She went into the kitchen and started to cut the mushrooms and the garlic, then ground some cheese. She took out the white wine she had never opened and put it next to the stove, so she didn’t have to search for it while cooking. What could she say, she liked being prepared.

She went out onto the balcony to breathe some fresh air. She leaned on the railing and looked out the village. The sun was just starting to set, setting the sky aflame with different shades of red. For once there was no breeze, but she felt comfortable as it wasn’t too hot or too cold. She saw a familiar figure with purple hair walk on the street below and wondered where she was headed. She made a sort of game out of this, imagining the life stories of the strangers walking below the street, and what they would do and who would be waiting for them at home.

For the first time in days she thought about everything that happened, and how she came to be here now, standing for the second time since the war just enjoying looking at the village. She almost felt like she might try this for real, see where this was going. She wasn’t healed. She didn’t think it would be possible to heal all the hurt and pain in just a few days. And Kami, had it really just been a few days? It felt like weeks had passed, with all the tension and dead weight that was lifted from her shoulders. But there were still some pieces left.

The smell of tobacco reached her nose and she turned her head to find Shikamaru smoking leisurely next to her. Unlike this afternoon he was wearing casual clothes, simple black pants with a white t-shirt.

“When did you get here?” He looked at her an puffed out some smoke.

“Just now. You looked deep in thought. And if there is someone who knows the importance of deep contemplation, then it’s me.” He smiled at her.

“Hmmm. How was your meeting with your mom?”

“She was being a drag. She wants me to move back into the house in the Nara compound. Said it was time to take over all the responsibilities as clan-head.” Sakura was well aware that she was lucky to be from a civilian family. She really wouldn’t know what to do with all the responsibilities that Shikamaru had on top of his work and private life.

“And what do you want to do?”, she asked curiously.

“It’s not about what I want to do but about what I should do. I know I’m supposed to take over all the duties as the head of the Nara clan, but I kind of liked having my freedom, living by myself. I told her I would think about it.”, she heard him sigh in defeat.

“Why didn’t you take over all the responsibilities right away after the war?”

“Well, I told you about how my mom was a mess after my Dad died. I thought it was a good idea to give her something to do, to take her mind off my father’s death.”

“That was thoughtful of you.” he smiled at her.

“Yeah, we shared the responsibilities, and it worked out great. My mom knew all the ins and outs in the clan so that help with everything. But now, I guess my Mom is ready to move on and wants to leave it to me.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“Well nothing has to be decided right now, so I think I’ll just take my time and take over her part step by step. That seems like it would use the least amount of energy.” She giggled at that. She was glad that even in this situation he would not succumb to the pace of others.

He flicked his cigarette and then motioned for them to go inside. After talking comfortably outside she felt like she had overreacted way too much earlier today. They fell back into their original pattern quite easily.

As soon as she closed the doors behind her she felt him embrace her, his arms slinging around her waist, gently pushing their bodies together. “Hey.” He said, then dipped his head to give her a soft kiss. She wrapped her arms around his torso and returned his kiss, moving her lips in tandem with his’. They separated and she whispered a “Hey” back. She felt him rub circles on her lower back and she felt a fluttery feeling deep in her belly. He stole another brief kiss from her then let her go so they could start cooking.

While he took care of the pasta (the easy part in her opinion), she started on the sauce. It was easy, how they just somehow clicked and were able to harmonize on this level. They kept talking about work and friends. He told her about Tenten and Lee, about how everyone had been surprised when they had started dating, only to realize that they both fit each other perfectly as they were too extremes of a different kind. Him with his obsession with taijutsu, and her with her love for weapons. And she had to agree. She hadn’t seen them around much, but she was glad that they were doing okay, and were happy with each other.

After putting their food in their dishes, he carried their bowls towards the table, and she followed with their drinks.

“I met Choji on the way here, he’s almost healed up and he’s antsy to get back into the field.”

“That’s good news, but I thought he enjoyed the vacation?”. He snorted at that.

“You mean the forced leave he got after the injury? He liked it the first few weeks, but now he’s almost anxious to do something. I guess once a shinobi, always a shinobi. And anyway, I think there’s a girl involved.”

“Huh, is he dating anyone right now?”

“Hmm...he dated a civilian girl after the war, but they broke it off after a few months. She became quite vocal about him spending so much time on missions, and they were fighting quite a bit before he broke it off with her. But lately he’s been taking a lot of missions in the lightning country so I think there might be a girl there he’s interested in.”

“Really? Do you think he would leave Konoha to be with her?” He contemplated this for a moment.

“Nah, I don’t think so. He is the next in line to take over the Akimichi-clan, and although it is one of the smaller clans it carries a lot of influence in Konoha. So, leaving is not an option. And he loves Konoha too much anyway.”

“Hmmm. I wonder if Kakashi-sensei is in a relationship? I’ve always thought of him as more of a lone wolf but…” Shikamaru let out a snort.

“Yeah, he’s been sneaking away behind our backs for a few weeks now. I haven’t found out whom he’s been with but I’m pretty sure that he’s a whipped man.”

“Ohohoho. Who do you think it is?” She was sure that he must have an inkling at least.

“I think she might be an Anbu. The fact that I haven’t found out her identity yet speaks volumes of her abilities.”

“You’re sure it’s a ‘she’ and not a ‘he’?” he looked at her in amusement.

“Just because your two teammates might have the hots for each other doesn’t mean everyone in your team has to be bent. Anyway, I’m pretty sure he’s not gay, I’ve seen him dating women before.”, not to mention all those erotic books he’s been reading even during their Genin training days. “It’s Ino I’m worried about. Her relationship with Sai has been on the rough side lately. Personally, I think she’s overreacting. Sai has never been someone to show many emotions, so I think she’s interpreting too much into the situation. But Ino’s always been a little bit…overly emotional” The mention of Sai tingled something in her memory something she was forgetting…

Wait wasn’t it…it couldn’t be.

“I think she doesn’t have to worry about Sai too much.”, she couldn’t be sure but if what she thought was true then Ino wouldn’t have to worry.

“Why do you say that?” She thought about not telling him, because Sai was her teammate and they had become closer over the years, but Shikamaru was someone who could keep a secret.

“Promise me you won’t tell anyone about this, not even Ino or Choji.” He looked at her seriously then nodded.

“I promise.”

“It was…more than half a year ago I think?” Ino and Sai had already been dating for a few months by then, “Sai asked me to go shopping with him. We went around the village looking at different stalls. I didn’t know what he was looking for and I think he just wanted some company and an honest opinion because he still had some trouble imagining other people’s reactions to gifts.” She stopped talking to drink a bit of water.

“We finally stopped at this stall with all this jewelry and he picked up this ring. He asked me what I thought about it and I told him it looked pretty. I remember him smiling and nodding, then he bought it. I was surprised back then but he never mentioned it again and then…well I kind of forgot about it? Then again, I might be wrong because he never asked her to marry him and it’s already been, what, six months? It’s a little bit weird thinking about it now.” Shikamaru looked pensive, his brows were furrowed in deep confusion. Then as if he had reached a conclusion his face lightened up and he continued eating.

Sakura waited for him to let her in on the secret but to no avail.

“Are you going to tell me about your thoughts about this?”

“I think everything is going to turn out fine.” She leaned unto the table further, deeply curious about what he thought but she was startled when he stood up and grabbed the empty dishes.

“And?” He smirked.

“And nothing. If you know everything, you’ll give it away to Ino, and then everything’s ruined.” She puffed out her cheeks and pouted. Then she took the dishes from him and stamped into the kitchen to dump them in the sink.

“I can totally keep a secret. I’m good at hiding things from other people.” She let the water run on the dishes and then felt him press against her back. He slung his arms around her waist and put his hands on her stomach. His face pressed against her neck and placed a tantalizing kiss there and then moved downwards to her exposed shoulder to gently bite her. Her knees suddenly felt very weak and wobbly and her heart pounded so hard in her chest she was worried he would notice. His tongue softly licked the spot he had bitten, the wetness and heat of the tongue a foreign feeling on her skin.

“I don’t doubt it. Have I told you yet how much I like the way you dressed tonight?” She knew he was trying to distract her, but she gave in anyway. She turned off the water and closed her eyes, then tilted her head back until it rested against his shoulder. His hands slipped under her shirt but stayed on her stomach. She felt excited and nervous about him touching her naked skin. His hands slowly stroked upwards, his fingers tracing the skin beneath her bra, never quite breaching beneath the fabric, teasing her relentlessly. She wanted him to touch her breasts. But she didn’t have courage to ask him.

His mouth travelled upward gently kissing her neck, tracing an invisible line towards her jaw. She turned her head and looked at him, giving him access to her mouth. He pressed his lips on hers, inviting her into a sensual kiss, both of them unhurried, taking their time to become reacquainted with each other. His hands disappeared from her stomach and for a second she missed his warmth, when he turned her around so she could press her front to his.

She could feel his hardness pressing against her and she felt anticipation run through her.

She placed her hands on his hips then ran them over his stomach up his chest then pushed them into his hair. She took out his hair tie and felt his hair come loose. She loved running her hands through his hair, the feeling of his dark tresses slipping through her fingers. This was a side of Shikamaru she knew only few very close people had seen. And she was now one of them. It made her feel a giddiness inside her, something she had felt before, a long time ago. Before the war. His arms came around her and pushed her towards him, while he kissed her slowly. His tongue invaded her mouth, playing with her tongue, then retreated only to repeat the same motion over again. She could feel desire spark in her chest and move lower, wetness already gathering between her thighs.

After what felt like hours he reluctantly separated from her mouth, pushing their foreheads together, both of them breathing more heavily than before.

“Kami, you make me go crazy Sakura. I’ve been thinking about this all afternoon long. Do you know how difficult it was listening to my mother, when all I could think about was you?” She looked at him and saw desire swirling in his eyes. He pecked her on the mouth then took her by her hand and led her to the couch. “How about a movie? I brought another one over if you want to watch it together?” She nodded, incredulous by the sudden change in the topic, and sat down on the couch as he moved to put it in.

She started feeling nervous, not knowing where this was going. They had been talking about relationships during dinner, but she had missed the timing and forgotten to tell him that she was new at this. And things were even more confusing now. Did he want to have sex with her or not? And why did he so abruptly stop the intimate moment a few seconds ago?

He sat down next to her and pressed her close after wrapping his arm around her shoulders. She leaned against him and he kissed her temple. For a while they just sat there, watching the movie, his thumb continuously teasing the skin on her shoulder until she felt like that spot was on fire, the movement searing her skin in a pleasurable, teasing way.

She didn’t know why the smallest touch would make her so conscious of him, make her feel crazy with need. Maybe she was just starved for affection. Or sex. She couldn’t even follow the plot of the movie, the movie becoming more of a sequence of unrelated pictures than a coherent story. She burrowed herself closer to him and put her hand on his thigh to be more comfortable. She felt him stiffen for just a second and then relax again. She looked at him from beneath her lashes, tilting her head a bit, and the movement on her shoulder stopped.

With his right hand he touched her jaw and lifted her head to meet his lips. The kiss this time was slow. Achingly slow. But the angle felt a little bit uncomfortable, so she sat on his lap for better access. He didn’t seem to mind, his hands immediately moving to her hips. For a second their eyes met, then she couldn’t take it anymore and pressed her lips firmly against his.

This time she opened her mouth and their tongues met, smoldering wet heat pooled from her stomach between her legs. His hands moved down to touch her knees, then slowly slid upwards until they met the seam of her skirt. He played with it, then, to her disappointment, they didn’t slip beneath, but continued up to her hips and up her sides. She felt his hand slid to her back. He slid them down her lower back, gripped her tightly, and tugged her until she was flush against him. She felt his hardness against her core and experimentally rolled her hips, like she had done earlier today.

He groaned into the kiss his hands sneaking under her skirt and slid along her skin until they rested on her butt above her panties. He squeezed her ass, eliciting another roll of her hips. He started kissing her neck, tracing a hot trail down the delicate skin of her neck, and sucking at the skin. She felt more wetness gather between her legs gasped in delight at the sensation, feeling drunk with desire, gripping his hair with both of her hands. He indulged her for a moment, his fingers playing with the seam of her panties, not quite slipping beneath.

Then he stopped the sucking, gave her a slow closed-mouthed kiss, that was so unlike the hurried franticness from just a few seconds ago. His hands moved upwards to her lower back and stayed there.

“I did promise you that I will take my time with you. And I intend to keep that promise.” He smiled lazily, he looked at her with heavy-lidded eyes. She blushed and nodded, and then looked down where she was sitting. After she had calmed down, she felt mortified by how she had acted. She had thrown herself at him, had sat on him, and had completely lost herself in the passion. And he hadn’t wanted to do this with her, she had completely misinterpreted the signals.

What did he mean with taking his time? It didn’t make sense to her to wait to have sex, if this was purely a physical relationship, there was no need to wait, was there? Maybe he meant that he wanted to wait until she was feeling better? But she didn’t know how long that would take. She didn’t know if she would become better. Just because she had told him something about the war, didn’t mean that she was ready to tell him about everything. And just talking about this stuff didn’t automatically mean that she would be better.

Her heart plummeted. Maybe the kissing was his way of getting her to talk. By becoming closer he hoped she would confide in him some more. It would make sense. He was someone who would use any means to accomplish his goals. He was a brilliant strategist. Had he planned this? Was this all…a ruse to make her talk? She had never thought of him as that sort of person…but what if he was? No. She didn’t want to think of him as that sort of person. Cold. Calculating.

But she couldn’t make sense of this. And she did like the kisses. And maybe it was better if she didn’t think too much about any of this, and just enjoyed the moment. She could do that at least.

She felt his hand on her cheeks, and he lifted her head, so she had to look at him. “What’s wrong? You spaced out for a moment.” She blinked at the question. Should she just ask him? No. She wanted to…but she also didn’t want to her his answer. It was confusing. She was confused.

“Ah, oh, nothing sorry just thinking about tomorrow.” He made a face.

“You mean the meeting with Ino? You don’t have to meet with her if you don’t want to. She can be a little bit overbearing. I would know.” He pecked her on the lips softly, and then kissed her earnestly. But without the frantic passion from before. This felt…gentle, soothing. She almost wanted to tear herself away from him, but at the same time she wanted more of it. She compromised by leaning back.

“No, uh…I think I’ll meet her. I haven’t talked to her in a while, and I feel bad about it.” She really did. Maybe she would ask Ino tomorrow, about all these confusing feelings. Or maybe not, because Shikamaru was her teammate and best friend from childhood.

“Alright.”

“I’m feeling a bit tired, so I think I’ll head to bed. I’ll bring right back with the blanket and pillow.”

She stood up and felt his gaze follow her until she entered her bedroom. He was just coming out of the bathroom when she came back with the blanket and pillow and put them down on the couch.

“You know, you don’t have to stay here over night anymore, right? It must be troublesome not waking up at home.” He smirked and she just somehow knew it was because she had used his trademark expression. She rolled her eyes at him.

“I don’t mind. It takes less time to get to the tower from here, it’s not troublesome at all.” He stood in front of her and kissed her. “And this way, I can be closer to you. Good night.” She looked at him in a daze, and blushed.

“Good night.” She closed the door behind her. Looking at her bed she sighed. Now that she was alone in her bedroom, she didn’t actually feel like sleeping. But going out there again wasn’t an option.

Sakura slipped under the cover and closed her eyes. She tossed and turned for what seemed like hours to her, but finally her eyelids felt too heavy to keep them from dropping any longer.

_“It should have been you.”_

Sakura woke up with a start. For a second she felt disoriented, not quite understanding where she was. Looking around in the room, she couldn’t see any light pouring in from the windows and looking at the alarm o’clock it was in the middle of the night. She stood up and quietly went into the kitchen, trying hard not to make a sound and wake up her guest who was still sleeping in the living room.

She poured herself a glass of water then leaned against the counter. She had dreamt about her platoon dying in front of her again. It never felt any easier, seeing the woman beheaded, watching as one after the other died.

The dream had changed to the scene in the tent, with Hinata’s body convulsing, and her final words echoing after her, as she marched away from her dead friend. She put the glass on the counter and rubbed tiredly at her face. She had only slept a few hours, but she didn’t want to go back to sleep. But now that she wasn’t alone in the apartment, she couldn’t just leave to take a walk outside, or clean the dishes that were still in the sink, because that would alert Shikamaru.

She wondered how Hinata would react if she were still alive. Would she be happy for her? Doubtful. She would probably be angry that she was having a life while Neji had sacrificed himself. She had loved Neji very much. Sakura had oftentimes felt awkward whenever she saw Hinata, knowing that she was deep in love with Naruto, who had been in love with her for a while. She didn’t know if Hinata ever resented her for being Naruto’s teammate, but she must have felt like that sometimes.

At times, when the three of them, Naruto, Hinata and Sakura were together, she had felt like a third unwanted wheel, and had felt Hinata’s discomfort, but Naruto, who had trouble identifying social cues, hadn’t realized.

It wasn’t like they were enemies. Or that they had hated each other. But Sakura thought that they had never really been best friends. They had been more like friends who had seen each other sometimes and talked and shared the same group of friends.

And now she wondered how Hinata would feel, seeing Sakura happy, knowing that Neji was dead because of Sakura. The thought made her feel nauseous, her heart clenching painfully. Would this ever stop being painful? What if it didn’t? What was the point of going on then?

Sakura looked up when she heard the soft tapping of feet on linoleum floor. Shikamaru was standing in the entrance of the kitchen yawing and scratching his head.

“Hey, sorry, did I wake you up?” he tapped over to her and kissed her on the nose and then buried his head on her shoulder.

“Couldn’t sleep?”, he asked her instead, and she fondly brushed her hands through his hair.

“I sometimes have nightmares. About the war.” All the time would be more accurate. He raised his head and looked at her.

“Do you want to talk about it?” His arms came around her and hugged her closer, so her front was pressed against his’. But there was nothing about the desire and heat from earlier that evening. It felt comfortable though, being hugged so closely, and she could see why Shikamaru liked touching other people so much.

“I’m fine.” She wasn’t really. She wished she still had the sleeping pills he had taken away from her. So, she didn’t have to deal with all this. But she didn’t. And all that was left for her was to face the dreams and the memories. But that didn’t mean that she liked it.

“I used to have nightmares all the time after the war. Still do sometimes even now. It’s not something to be ashamed of.” She took a step back and regarded him.

“Why did you…?”

“Why did I have nightmares? After my … after the whole strategy unit was taken out, I was one of the key people giving orders. I was the one who decided who attacked, who stayed back.”_ Who died_, was implied heavily there, but neither of them felt the need to voice it out loud.

“You saved a lot of people that way. Without you we wouldn’t have won the war.” Sakura retorted after he wouldn’t continue talking, too deeply engrossed in his thoughts. She grabbed his hand and squeezed reassuringly.

“A lot of people died too. And I try not to think about what I could have done differently, but when I sleep, I don’t have the luxury of that control…and I think about all those lives that were lost. And those I could have saved maybe.” She looked away. She knew how that felt. Feeling powerless and helpless. Wanting to be better. “But I can’t change the past. Accepting that took time but…it is how it is, and maybe that’s not a bad thing.” He looked at her, and she thought maybe the last words were about her, but she wasn’t quite sure, and then he lowered his head to kiss her. “At least that’s how I think.”

She blushed and tried to avoid his gaze.

“Did you dream about Neji?”

“No, not really. I dreamt about what happened after I left Hinata and Neji behind on the battlefield.” She still felt reluctant telling him about this, but she knew that he would pry it out of her anyway. He had his way of making her talk. Of making her bare all her secrets to him. But now that she had told him about Neji, she somehow felt that she couldn’t hide the rest from him. She felt like the ball had already been set into motion, and now she wasn’t able to stop it, it would roll and roll and roll, until it would crash and destroy the walls she had built so carefully. The walls keeping all her secrets safe.

“What happened after you left? I remember you telling me that you were called to a campsite that needed additional healers. Or was it something that happened at the campsite?” She sighed.

“I was the only one that arrived at the campsite.” He stilled at that. And then she felt his arms envelope her in a warm hug. She let him. The more she told him, the less she was able to keep him at a distance.

“You were ambushed.” His hand rubbed her back in circles, but she didn’t look at him, and kept her face buried in his chest. “Yes. we were 10 when we left the battlefield. The campsite was one day out, but we had travelled already a day when we assisted Neji’s corp. The captain and three others gave their life after we were ambushed about three hours into our journey. We had needed someone to draw the Zetsu away from us. By that time, pretty much all of us were unable to fight, our chakra had been too drained.” They had travelled desperately, and when they had only been an hour away from the camp, they had let their guard down.

“We almost reached the campsite when we were ambushed once again. We were surrounded by Zetsu. The others had no chakra left to fight. They were pretty much slaughtered.” There was only so much she could do. No one would ever blame her for their death. It had been a grave oversight on tactical to make them travel for such a long period through enemy territory. But Sakura had been their captain, and she had felt responsible nonetheless for the loss of their lives. “I was acting captain Shikamaru. But I couldn’t save them. There were too many Zetsu and even I was at my limit after healing Neji and travelling for so long. I didn’t have any supplements left to boost my strength. I don’t even know how I got out of there. One moment I was surrounded by Zetsu, the next thing I remember was standing in front of the gate of the campsite.”

Soaked in blood of her enemies and allies alike.

“You know it’s not your fault. Clearly something in the chain of command had gone wrong. It’s uncommon that a unit was asked to travel such long periods of times without rest.”

“Yeah, I know. Turned out the man in command? Didn’t call us. They didn’t even need more medics. They had enough already stationed.” He furrowed his brows.

“I don’t understand, who called you if it wasn’t the one responsible for the camp?”

“Nobody knew, but they called an investigation. 9 people died, and two of them medics. It was a disaster. They quickly found the culprit.” She still felt angry just thinking about the unnecessary deaths.

“It was a Chuunin from the stone village. His lover was in critical condition, no one in camp had been able to help her. He heard tales of my healing capabilities and decided to take matters into his own hands. He begged me to heal his fiancé.” She had been too exhausted, mentally and physically so she was given a tent to sleep it off. The next morning, she was informed that the girl had died in her sleep. And that the Chuunin had killed himself by hanging himself on a tree near the campsite. She couldn’t say she had overly cared. No, it was probably more accurate to say that she had been indifferent to his ordeal. By then it had sunken in just what exactly had happened. Her whole team had died because of her. Because of her fame.

Never before had she thought that fame could ever bring her misery. But, she thought bitterly, there was always a first time for everything.

“Kami damn it all. What happened to them?” She smiled at his little outburst. She wished she could muster up that kind of anger towards this memory. But all she felt was regret.

“The girl died in her sleep. And the man hanged himself.” She didn’t even try to sugarcoat it. To be honest, she had felt suspicious about the girl’s death. It seemed too much of a coincidence that she would die exactly then, after all the time she had held on. But she hadn’t investigated. She hadn’t really wanted to.

“You blame yourself for your team’s death? Even though you know it was the Chuunin’s fault?” she shrugged at that.

“If it hadn’t been for my fame, it wouldn’t have happened.” She would have been able to stay by Hinata’s side. She might have been able to save her. And her team along with her captain might still be alive.

“Fame might be a double-edged sword Sakura, but there is no doubt that people were overjoyed whenever they heard that you were in camp. Because it meant only one thing: That their loved ones were in great care. I am alive today because of you, don’t you remember? That day when we faced Obito and Kaguya and the tree drained me of almost all chakra, it was you who saved me. I still remember how it felt, you know, the warmth of your chakra as it flowed into my chest. I remember hearing your frantic voice calling my name. And I remember waking up and looking at you, and you smiling in relief. And I remember thinking that I want to see that smile again, and that I wanted to be the one making you smile. You are a gift to this world, Sakura.” He took her hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a kiss on her palm. “I just wish you could see that too.”

The things Shikamaru said, he said with such conviction that it brought tears to her eyes. No one had ever said anything like this to her before.

She brought him down in a kiss, and he complied easily. When they finally came up to breathe again, Sakura smiled at him. “Thanks, Shikamaru.” He blushed and grumbled a reply that she thought was something on the lines of “you’re welcome”.

He yawned, and she realized that it was in the middle of the night, and he had work the next day. But she didn’t want to go back to her bed alone. She felt like she would sleep better now, but she felt safer with Shikamaru beside her.

“Do you…I mean, can youstaywithmetonight?”, she hastily mumbled, a red tinge flushing her cheeks. She saw him hesitate and she deflated a bit. Of course, he wouldn’t want to.

“Sure.” He kissed the tip of her nose, and she perked up after hearing his answer. They lied down in bed together, her back was to him, and there was some distance between them, but somehow, she still felt reassured by his presence.

“G’night, Shikamaru”, she mumbled, her eyelids feeling heavy and closing as soon as her head hit the pillow.

“Good night, Sakura.” And somehow hearing his voice calmed her down, and the emotions of guilt and self-hatred she had felt in her chest since she started talking to him about her dream eased off and fell away.

Somehow, she had a feeling she wouldn’t dream anymore. At least for tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think about this chapter in the comments :)


	9. Chapter 9

She woke up when Shikamaru tried to move from under her without waking her. Suffice is to say, he didn’t succeed in not waking her. Sometime during the night, they must have gravitated towards each other, because she was apparently not lying on top of her pillow but on top of his arm instead.

“Hmm? ‘maru? Wazziht?” she heard him chuckle and opened her eyes to see him lean down and press a gentle kiss on her temple.

“Don’t get up, I have to go in early today. It’s only 6 o’clock in the morning. Don’t forget that Ino’s coming around noon for lunch.”

“Mhhyh.” She cocooned herself further into the covers now that she had lost the warmth of Shikamaru’s body, and faintly heard him take a shower and then leave her apartment. A few hours later she was finally ready to leave the bed and took a shower.

She passed a few minutes on washing the dishes and then decided to open one of the books she had rented from the library. She had missed this. Just spending time by herself. Doing what she liked. She used to like working, used to think that it was all that she needed. But it felt like that was ages ago, and now she was rediscovering just doing something that she actually liked.

Waking up without the terror and dread she felt every morning since Shikamaru had discovered her with the pills, Sakura felt…not exhausted. Less tired. It was hard for her to admit but talking to Shikamaru was, unlike her expectations, a relief. Having someone listen to her worries and her guilty conscience had made her feel scared about the revelation of all her secrets. He was the only one who knew how she really felt and what had happened that made her reject her friends’ help. She should feel helpless now that he held all the power. He knew almost everything about her. But how much did she really know about him?

But somehow, she didn’t feel anxious about that. And disclosing her secrets had helped with the nightmares, though she thinks that his presence in her bed influenced the lack of nightmares too. Maybe it was this presence of someone who cared that made her breathe a little easier now.

Even if it was just a little bit. 

She was interrupted in her thoughts by an insistent knock on the door, and she could hear Ino yell her name. “Sakura? You there?”

“Just a second, I’m coming!” she yelled so that Ino wouldn’t kick in her door. She put on some clothes and then went to open the door. Ino immediately entered without permission and rambled on.

“What took you so long? Were you taking a dump? Anyway, I decided we should spend the day inside, eating junk food and painting nails, so I brought my stuff over.” Sakura rolled her eyes at her friend’s bossy attitude and closed the door. She followed Ino into the living room and sat next to her on the couch as she watched her take out all the food and nail polish out of her bag. They opened a bag of chips and then Ino filled her in on all the latest gossip.

“…anyway, I think Kakashi’s dating someone, but I haven’t found out who it is yet. He’s really good at hiding his secrets, I have to give him that, but you know how that only makes me more motivated to find out.” She knew. She also knew how every shinobi in the village feared being targeted by Ino and how they fervently tried to avoid being of any interest to the blonde in front of her. She suspected that Kakashi was having a lot of fun leading Ino and Shikamaru around.

“So…had a racy date last night?” Sakura blinked. How did she get that idea? As nonchalantly as possible she answered her friend.

“No, why would you think that?” Ino smirked and pointed to her neck. “Do you think I wouldn’t recognize a love bite?” Sakura immediately slapped her hand on her neck where Shikamaru had sucked her skin the night before. She had forgotten to take a closer look at the mirror this morning. Sakura flushed a scarlet red, and Ino cackled at her reaction.

“Is it Sasuke?” Sakura blanched at that. She didn’t really want to imagine Sasuke in that way anymore. Nope. She was done with that.

“No! Ino, that’s gross, he’s just a… friend.” Ino leaned in, her elbows on her knees

“So, who is it? Who took your virginity? Come on, tell a friend.” She blushed even more at her friend’s blatancy. She hadn’t known that it had been so obvious that she was so inexperienced. Did Shikamaru notice? She almost headbutted herself. Of course he had noticed, he wasn’t stupid. No, he was the opposite of stupid.

“It’s not like that Ino. We didn’t…you know” She said in a flustered tone, she didn’t know how to respond to this. Or talk about this. And even though she wished something had happened, he had stopped that completely from happening twice now.

“Do the deed? Have some adult naptime? Do the hanky panky? Do the mattress-dancing?” Sakura would have blushed even further if she could have. As it was, she had fulfilled the maximum quota of blood that was able to rush into her cheeks. She must look like a tomato.

“Ino!” her friend threw her head back and laughed.

“Sorry, sorry! I couldn’t resist after seeing you so flustered. So, you didn’t have sex, but you did do something?” Sakura nodded, too embarrassed to talk about last night’s activities. 

“Come on Sakura, you have to give me more than that. Give me some details.”

“We kissed. That’s all” She looked to the side, unable to look at Ino, and maybe her expression gave her disappointment away, but her friend suddenly looked at her in concern.

“What’s wrong? You can tell me, you know?”

“It’s just…I don’t really know if he…wants me that way, I don’t know, I tried to…you know,” Sakura blushed, “initiate a more _thorough_ approach on the matter, but he stopped me…twice.”, she finished with a frustrated sigh.

“Well maybe he just wants to take things slow, you know some people don’t like to rush things.” Sakura looked at her disbelieving.

“I’ve known the guy for years Ino, and it’s not like this is a romantic relationship. I don’t see a reason to go slow in a physical relationship.” Ino froze.

“Wait, I thought you were a virgin?” Her friend looks at her with a puzzled expression.

“Yes?”

“So don’t you think…you know…I just thought maybe you wanted to have a romantic relationship for your…first time, and because you’ve never been in a relationship?” Ino said hesitantly, and Sakura frowned at that. She never even assumed anyone would want to be in a relationship with her, after the rude awakening with Sasuke and everything else, no one had really tried approaching her that way. No one had tried to flirt with her, so she had concluded that no one had wanted her that way.

And she had accepted that. Some people weren’t meant to have a happy romantic relationship with a happy ending. It was fine.

She was fine.

“Uh, no? I think I’ve waited enough, and I just think I want to enjoy the sex I’ve been hearing a lot about, so I don’t really want that, I think?”

“But you’ve always wanted to be with Sasuke, and marry him, don’t you want to have a family?” Ino still seemed confused by the whole situation, and Sakura didn’t quite understand why. What was her deal?

“Ino, you know that was when we were teenagers, right? I’m an adult now, and my tastes and dreams have changed. And anyway, Sasuke and I don’t fit together at all. We’re better off as…friends.” Sakura said a bit hesitantly, and Ino frowned, opening her mouth and then closing it again. Sakura watched as her friend was lost in thought for a while and then come to a conclusion.

“Alright. If you’re sure about this…”, Ino said and Sakura had the feeling she wasn’t at all ‘alright’ but she let it go at least, and Sakura would take it. “Well, tell me more about the guy then so I can try and find out what the problem is.” Sakura looked away and fidgeted. She didn’t want to tell Ino that she was talking about Shikamaru.

“Uh, well…he’s uhm…”

“Judging by your reaction I must know him then. Well it’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it.” Sakura heaved a sigh of relief and smiled thankfully at her friend.

“I still think you’re wrong about him not liking you though. You’re hot Sakura, and one of the best people I know out there. I’m positive that it’s _impossible_ not to feel attracted to you. Unless you’re gay, which, I’m sure he’s not because he’s kissed you.” Sakura smiled gratefully at her friend.

“Thanks, Ino.”

The two of them painted their nails and ate unhealthy food and spent the rest of the afternoon gossiping. Sakura knew that she might be overreacting on the whole Shikamaru thing, it had only really just started yesterday after all. But the touches had been there for a lot longer, and Shikamaru had been a constant presence at her side for weeks now.

Ino left in the afternoon, but Sakura promised her she would visit her in the flower shop. Still riled up after the talk with Ino, Sakura decided to read one of her romance novels to distract her mind. Shikamaru came by the evening, and like the day before they spent it by talking. He didn’t inquire about her nightmares and she didn’t talk about anything else. But they had plenty to talk to despite that. And Sakura discovered that she liked to spend her evenings like this, sharing meals with a friend, and talking about everyday things.

After dinner, they would watch a movie, and sometimes they would just read next to each other, Sakura pressed into his side, the quiet around her not feeling oppressive at all. What she liked most were the stolen kisses in between. But no matter what she did, Sakura couldn’t entice Shikamaru to move further than they had already gone. And it frustrated her. Every time he kissed her, she could feel the desire for him grow, and at times the need almost grew unbearable. But he would always stop things from going further than they already did.

And the more he would stop her advances the more self-conscious she became. After the day she asked him to sleep with him, he kept coming to bed with her. Although he did keep his distance, in the morning they would wake up with their limbs tangled, as if their bodies had needed each other’s proximity and couldn’t deal with the distance. Sakura liked waking up like this. Sometimes, when she woke up before him, she would just lie still, and enjoy the feel of his body pressed against hers.

But the slight reprieve she had received from the nightmares had stopped pretty much the second night he joined her in bed. The nightmares had started up again, viciously reminding her of her mistakes, and more often than not, she woke up feeling guilty and sad. Shikamaru didn’t push, although every morning he asked her how she slept, and every time she gave him the same answer, telling him how she had slept fine.

The days passed in a blur, and Sakura felt like her frustration had reached a limit. Ino, with whom she had started to reconnect after their outing last week, came by in the afternoon for a quick visit, and immediately started to cheer her up. But she didn’t quite succeed.

“I just don’t know anymore. I think if this goes on, I might actually blow up with all this sexual frustration going on.”, Ino nodded, understanding lighting her eyes.

“I know how that feels, men sometimes don’t understand how much we need physical touch to feel…reassured and desired. And I mean you know Sai, he’s not big on words and showing emotions, and he expresses himself through his actions more than through his words. If I had to take a guess your mysterious lover is the same.” Sakura noticed how Ino’s mood had dropped after mentioning Sai. The problem with Sai must still not have been resolved.

“How are you and Sai doing?” Ino’s cheerful expression immediately disappeared.

“I don’t think…he loves me anymore. It’s hard to think about it, but he’s been distant. He’s been going on missions more often, and they become longer and longer every time. And I know how important the village is and that he does this because he loves the village but…Well, I can’t remember the last time we had sex, to be honest. He’s always too exhausted from missions and everything, the most we’ve done is kissing, and even that…” Sakura could see tears forming in her friend’s eyes and went to hug her.

“I’m sorry I’ve been going on about all of my problems all this time. But I can’t imagine Sai with anyone else. He loves you Ino.”

“How would you know? You haven’t talked to _anyone_ since…” Ino put some distance between them so that she could look at Sakura apologetically. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to explode on you.” Sakura felt apprehensive. On the one hand she didn’t want to talk about her parents, on the other hand she could see how much pain her friend was in.

“Since the death of my parents you wanted to say.” Sakura said and looked to the side.

“Forget it. Let’s talk about something else.” Ino said with fake cheeriness, trying to steer the conversation to a safer topic.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been there. It’s just, it was hard to lose them both at the same time, you know?” Ino placed a hand on her knee and squeezed.

“I can’t imagine how it must have been for you. But I’m always here if you want to talk.” Sakura couldn’t hold back her flow of her tears anymore.

“It’s just, I always thought that I would die before them. And as a shinobi I learnt to always anticipate death, to accept that one day I wouldn’t come back home. I was prepared for my own death, but I wasn’t prepared for them to die so suddenly.” She sobbed and furiously brushed her tears away. Ino gently hugged her and she sobbed into her friend’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you.” Ino had accompanied Naruto and Shikamaru as a backup medic on a diplomatic mission to the land of snow. They had been gone for three weeks, two weeks had been spent on travelling alone. By the time they had come back, Sakura had already held her parent’s funeral and had started working again. And taking sleeping pills. But only Shikamaru had to know about _that_.

Sakura hadn’t cried back then. The shock of the sudden loss had made her unable to process her feelings. But after talking to Shikamaru about the war the last few days Sakura felt a dam opening inside her. She felt her friend rubbing soothing circles on her back, trying to calm her down.

“What happened?” Ino asked in a calm tone.

“It’s all my fault. I had just received a promotion at the hospital, and they wanted to celebrate by having lunch at the _Red Dragon_. I decided that I wanted to buy myself something nice so I went shopping and told them I would meet them there. I forgot the time while I was shopping, it’s when I bought the red dress, you know, the one you suggested I wear the other night?” Ino grimaced, already guessing where this was going and nodded.

“Then suddenly, there’s this ANBU telling me that I’m needed at the hospital, and Tsunade tells me that they...” She chocked down another sob and continued, knowing that if she stopped now she wouldn’t continue the story. “They were cut down by a shinobi who had a mental breakdown in the restaurant. If I hadn’t dawdled with the shopping, I would’ve been there to protect them. I could have saved them.” Sakura furiously wiped away her tears, and her friend hugged her close.

“You can’t know that Sakura. You know it wasn’t your fault your parents died. Sometimes, people are just at the wrong place at the wrong time. There’s no point in imagining possible scenarios of what ifs and could haves. Your parents would be furious if they knew that you blamed yourself. They, as any other civilian in this village, had accepted the danger of living in a hidden village. Sakura, you can’t save everyone. Sometimes, people just die. I had to learn this too when my father died during the war. After the war, when I finally had time to mourn my Dad, I beat myself up about his death. I thought about how I could have saved him if I had done things differently. But eventually I had to accept that things don’t always go according to the way I want them to.”

Sakura brushed her tears away with her hands and then gave her a sad smile. She had forgotten that Ino had also lost a parent. “Thanks, Ino.” She hadn’t been there for Ino when she was going through all this. Maybe if she had, she would have been able to deal with all of this better.

“Kami look at us, we’re a right mess! Let’s just forget about all this depressing stuff. Let’s talk about something else.” And with that they talked for a bit until Ino excused herself with a promise to talk another time.

Sakura decided to spend the rest of her afternoon reading and trying hard not to think about her parents. The crying and the talk with her friend had exhausted her emotionally, and she decided to do the reading in bed so she could be more comfortable. Burrowed under the covers in a comfortable position she already felt better. The plot was ridiculously cliché, but that was exactly what she needed to distract her mind and she found it easy to immerse herself into a different, much less complicated world.

After some time, she came to a particularly…racy scene. Usually she would skip these scenes, feeling too ashamed and embarrassed.

But with all the pent-up sexual frustration she thought that she could use it to fuel her fantasy and maybe overcome her reluctance to touch herself. Sure, she had pleasured herself before, but it had always been clinical and fast, something she just had to do to alleviate the pressure that had accumulated. But now that she was discovering a new side of herself with Shikamaru’s helpthat, she thought she might try it.

She wriggled out of her pants and threw them next to her bed, and then, after some consideration, she took off her bra after much squiggling, which left her only in her shirt and panties, which were already starting to soak after reading just a bit of the racy scene. 

As she read, she imagined herself and Shikamaru in the place of the characters and felt the same tingle in her stomach she had been feeling whenever she kissed Shikamaru.

Slowly, she traced her hand over her stomach and under her panties, through the tussle of hair to her wet folds. She dipped her fingers in her wetness, slowly tracing it upwards, searching for the bundle of nerves that would make her twitch in pleasure. She touched it lightly and let a small gasp escape at the pleasurable sensation and felt her hole twitch in reaction. She adjusted her body so that she was fully lying on her back, her other hand slipping under her shirt to squeeze her breast.

But it didn’t feel as good as when Shikamaru touched her, when calloused hands would caress her soft skin. And even though he always refused to touch her in a more intimate way, the excitement of not knowing how far his hands would reach this time, was unfortunately completely absent when she tried it herself.

When Sakura experimentally twisted her nipple, she closed her eyes at the sensation of small electric charges travelling downwards, into her belly. She imagined Shikamaru’s mouth around her sensitive bud and tugged slightly, her hips moving in an upward direction, not quite lifting from the bed. She moved her finger on her clit gently in slow circles and breathed out a heavy sigh. She felt herself flush in excitement as she imagined Shikamaru dipping his fingers into her folds, her fingers following the imagined scenario in her mind.

Her exploration was interrupted by a knock on her front door, and she let out a frustrated sigh. She contemplated ignoring it, but whoever was at her door was persistent and knocked again.

Quickly, she went to put on some sleeping shorts, so she could get back to the action once she had taken care of her unwanted visitor. She opened the door, still a little bit flushed and breathless from the from the earlier excitement and rushing to the door, and saw Shikamaru standing in front of her. Confused she looked at him.

“Shikamaru? I thought you were coming later?”, she bit her lip, conscious of the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra and that she had just tried to pleasure herself, and his eyes that wandered down her body didn’t help

“Are you alright? You look a little…flushed.”, she averted her eyes and stepped aside so he could walk inside.

“Ah, uh…I’m fine, I just rushed a bit to get to the door.” He raised an eyebrow at that, but she turned her back on him as she closed the door and locked it. She turned around and brushed a hand through her hair and regarded him. “I’ve already eaten because I thought you would be late.”, well she had had a snack with Ino a few hours ago, but she counted that as food. She walked by him into the living room and he followed her.

“Ah, that’s fine, I ate at the tower.” He wrapped his arms around her from behind and kissed her cheeks. “Did I interrupt you in anything?” She flushed a little bit more, and he kissed her gently on her cheek.

“N-no. I was just reading.” He kissed her neck, tantalizingly, slowly, gently, and her breath hitched.

“Oh? Anything I know?”, his voice had dropped a few notches, taking on a sensual teasing tone as he sucked on her neck, one of his hands slipping beneath her shirt to rest on her abdomen. His hand felt warm on her skin, and she felt a delicious shiver run down her spine, and heat pooling between her legs. His hand slowly ascended, and his fingers brushed against the bottom of her breasts, his thumb gently rubbing she skin beneath the place she so achingly needed him to touch. Her nipples started to harden almost painfully.

“I don’t think so. I don’t think you would find it interesting.” He guided her towards the couch table, and he sat down and pulled her with him, her back pressing against his front, and her head tilted back so it could rest on his shoulder. She tilted her head so that she could meet his mouth halfway, and although the angle was a little bit uncomfortable, she forgot all about that when she felt his lips meeting hers for an open-mouthed sensual kiss.

“Hmmm, somehow” his hand finally moved upward to grasp her breast and she gasped in delight at feeling his hand squeezing it gently, “I doubt that.” His teeth nipped at her ear, and she let out a breathless sigh. He took her nipple between his thumb and forefinger and tweaked it gently, the sensation making her buckle up involuntarily, and so much more intense than when she had done it a few minutes ago.

He gently nipped at her ear and she closed her eyes, further leaning into him when she felt his other hand descend on her body until it lay on her thigh. He started to slip it towards her inner thigh, and without being asked she spread her legs for him. He moved his hands to the top of her shorts, his fingers slipping beneath the slim fabric. She was completely soaked between her legs, and she couldn’t help the excitement curse through her body at this development. Then, his hands finally touched her. For the past week she had imagined doing this with him, but it was so much better in real life.

“You were touching yourself, weren’t you?” When she didn’t respond, he stopped rubbing her nipple between his fingers, and left her aching for his touch. She tried to get some friction by arching her back, but he kept his hand out of reach. She let out a breath in frustration, and he chuckled.

“Tell me, Sakura.”, she felt embarrassed and excited at the same time by his command. With a sigh she gave in.

“Yes.”, and he put his hand back on her breast and squeezed it as a reward. She sighed in relief.

“Tell me what you were doing before I interrupted you. Were you rubbing your clit?” He grabbed her right wrist with his other hand and guided it downwards as he planted tiny kisses on her shoulder. “Or were you fingering yourself?” He gently bit her shoulder, stopping the movement just before her fingers could touch her folds. She felt a sudden tightness in her core, needing to touch, needing some kind of friction.

“Shika…” she pleaded, trying to move her hand towards her core but unable to free herself from his grasp.

“Tell me Sakura.” His tongue traced the skin where he had placed a kiss earlier, the sensation coupled with his words eliciting a soft gasp from her. She felt her nipples tighten painfully. “I was touching my clit.” Finally, she felt him guide her hand to her core, towards her wet hole, her fingers teasing her entrance. She moaned at the sensation, arching her back. She hitched a breath, liking the way he guided her, took control of her. His breath teased her shoulder and neck, and she instinctively knew that he was watching her over the shoulder, and it only made her feel more excitement.

“What were you thinking about when you touched yourself like this Sakura?” he tugged on her wrist, and she reluctantly slipped through her wet folds and up towards her tight waiting nub.

“I was thinking about you.” he groaned and watched as she circled her clit, desperate for some friction. She bucked her hips in pleasure and arched her back. Her breath came in short gasps. She felt tension building in her stomach, she frantically needed to release the pressure. Suddenly, he tugged at her wrist, and tugged her hand away from her body, denying her release “Shikamaru!” she pleaded, but he held her tightly around her wrists, not letting her escape. She felt his breath at the side of her face.

“Were you thinking about my mouth around your nipple? Suckling it?” his tongue traced the outline of her ear. “Yes! Please.”

“Do you want my mouth on your nipple? Or maybe you want my mouth somewhere else entirely?” She groaned when she imagined his wet tongue on her clit, between her folds. “Yes!” she exclaimed, frantic with desire.

“Which is it? Do you want my mouth on your cunt?” He bit into the side of her ear, and her eyes shot open at the dirty word he had used. She bit her lip, needing something, _anything_ on her to release the building tension.

“Yes! Shikamaru, please!” she pleaded. He chuckled then placed a kiss on her cheek. He took a hold of her shirt and helped her take it off, then he let her go and maneuvered her so that she was lying on her back on the couch. He moved to kneel between her ankles, and took off her shorts, then slowly trailed his fingers up her legs, never once loosing eye contact. He smirked when he heard her breath hitch when he touched the sensitive skin at the back of her knees, then slowly pushed her legs apart further to fully expose her core to him. She fisted her hands in the fabric of the couch, trying to deny the urge to cover herself. He kissed the inner side of her left thigh, slowly edging towards her wet pink folds.

“Kami, you’re so hot Sakura. Do you know how many times I’ve imagine this in my mind? My mouth on you as you come?” An exciting shiver ran through her body as she felt his hot breath on her folds. She closed her eyes at the sensation, her breaths coming in shallow gasps as she imagined his mouth on her, how it would feel.

She felt something wet touch her, parting her folds, the tip of his tongue a foreign sensation. He licked up, and then suddenly she let out the breath she had been holding as it touched her sensitive bundle of nerves. Slowly the tip of his tongue started to circle the tip. Sakura bucked her hips, and she felt his hands on her hips, pushing her back down. Then, she forgot to breathe altogether when his lips closed around her clit, sucking it into his mouth, the tip of his tongue wet and teasing.

“Shikamaru!” she angled her hips upward, her hands grabbing at his hair as she pushed his head towards her. He continued suckling her, her moans becoming more and more frantic. He pushed a finger into her entrance and moved it in and out in a slow rhythm before it was joined by another. Sakura bucked her hips in response to the fullness she felt, and he scissored his fingers to stretch her, the combination of his mouth on her and his fingers inside making her moan in abandon.

The tightness in her belly became unbearable, the muscles in her thigh tightened almost painfully. He bent his fingers at an angle until she buckled up when he hit a pleasurable spot, a loud moan escaping her mouth as she clenched around his fingers as she came. He slowed the movement of his tongue and fingers, letting her ride out her orgasm. She became completely boneless, unable to move, sweat glistening on her skin.

He placed soft kisses on her stomach, up her chest as he lied on top of her, his weight supported by his arms placed next to her. She looked up into his eyes, wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down into a kiss. She could taste herself on his lips, but she didn’t care, the only need in her mind the feel of his lips on hers.

“You’re amazing, Sakura.”, he smiled down at her and placed another kiss on her nose. He turned her so that she was almost completely lying on top of him, and she laid her head on his chest. He absentmindedly played with her hair, and she slipped her hand beneath his shirt to feel his skin, feeling his lean muscles beneath her palm as she caressed him.

“I can’t stay long.” She lifted her head in question and regarded him. He sighed and traced a finger down her cheekbone.

“I was assigned a mission today. It’s why I was able to leave earlier than anticipated.”, she furrowed her brows in disappointment. But she tried to not let it show on her face. She had become used to his presence, and she felt a strange bitterness welling up inside at the news of him leaving again after things had finally progressed to this extent.

It was normal for shinobi to go on missions, yet why was she suddenly feeling this anxious? It didn’t make sense. She felt like they had somehow crossed an invisible barrier, but she wasn’t sure if it was only her feeling that way.

“When do you have to leave?” she asked while she sat up, already fishing for her shirt that had been carelessly thrown to the side.

“Early at dawn tomorrow, but I have to prepare some supplies first. It was a last-minute decision, but if everything goes well, we’ll be back in a week.” A week. That was…a long time. She put her shirt over her head and put on her sleeping shorts. She already felt like she could face him better, now that she wasn’t completely naked and exposed.

“Oh. You’ll be careful?”, she asked almost absentmindedly as she was processing this new information. She didn’t ask about the details, and he didn’t provide any. The information was confidential, and they both knew it. He gently brushed her hair behind her ear and kissed her cheek. The touch felt intimate, and she didn’t think she could meet his eyes just yet. Her heart pounded in her chest.

“I’ll be back.” He stood up and rearranged his pants. They both headed towards the door, and he turned around, smiled at her, and said: “I’ll see you next week.” With a last peck on her lips he left, and vanished into the night, jumping from one roof to the other.

After she closed the door behind her, she just stood there for a long moment.

The apartment had never felt so cold to her as in that moment. She couldn’t quite comprehend why her chest was feeling so tight. And she didn’t know how to process all these strange sensations and emotions that were raging inside of her like a furious hurricane that had come to sweep away all the carefully erected walls around her heart.

Fear.

Confusion.

Anxiety.

Reluctance.

Love?

All she knew was that somehow, she had started to have feelings for Shikamaru, and somehow that revelation didn’t make her feel reassured at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will deal with this new revelation and its effects on Sakura.  
If you liked this chapter, don't forget to leave a comment and kudos, it really helps to hear your opinons on the story and my writing!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This and the next chapter are all about how Sakura deals with her feelings in Shikamaru's absence.  
Enjoy :)

Sakura honestly didn’t know what she should do now. Thankfully, Shikamaru was off on a mission and wouldn’t be back for some time and she could deal with these confusing feelings and hopefully everything would be solved until he was back.

One thing she was certain of. She would not, under any circumstances, act on these feelings. She had done that one time, and the person she had fallen in love with had deserted the village, become one of the most wanted criminals in Konoha’s history, had almost killed her in the process of taking his revenge, and then almost taken part in destroying the world (but arguably also turned a new leaf and saved it). Suffice is to say that Sakura had shit luck in relationships.

And Sakura knew one thing for certain: Everyone she loved eventually left her. Her parent’s death had only cemented that belief.

So, what Sakura really didn’t want to do was act on these feelings. What she had to do was forget these feelings or put as much distance to them as possible. And it wasn’t like she had any hopes of him reciprocating.

Although that thought made her chest squeeze in a tight and painful way, she knew that ultimately, that was how it was supposed to be. Shikamaru might be interested in her physically, but that didn’t mean that he actually had any romantic feelings for her. And she didn’t want to ruin their friendship by making things awkward between them.

And if their earlier tryst proved one thing, then it was that he wanted her. Physically that is. And they would have fun, and then someday, they would stop having fun and they would still be friends. 

Yeah.

She was fine with that.

She ignored the uncomfortable twinge in her stomach and her throat closing up, ignored the burning in her eyes, and the wetness that threatened to fall down her cheeks.

She was fine.

She was fine with just that.

Now she just had to convince her heart of this fact too.

Distraction was hard to come by and Sakura tossed and turned during the night, thoughts of how she would destroy the thing between her and Shikamaru on the forefront in her mind. Finally after some hours, she was able to find sleep, although she felt restless and tired when she woke up due to the emotional turmoil from the previous day.

But fate seemed to finally let up on her and be on her side for a change when the next day a distraction in the form of Sasuke appeared on her balcony. Sakura was reading one of her medical journals and taking notes when she heard a knock on her balcony door, and when she looked up, she was surprised to see Sasuke. She walked to him and opened the door, fully expecting Naruto close by. She furrowed her brows in confusion when that wasn’t the case.

“Did something happen to Naruto?” He briskly walked into her apartment, and she rolled her eyes at his rude behavior.

“Yes, do come in Sasuke, it wasn’t like I was busy or anything.” She closed the door and then turned around, only to hide a snort by coughing into her hand. She hadn’t taken a good look at him earlier, mostly because he had the annoying habit of hiding his face behind his hair. And she could see that he had been desperately trying to keep it that way. But he had failed. To Sakura’s utter amusement.

He huffed and sat down, his back straight like a rod, and his expression clearly agitated by her laughter.

“I’m guessing Naruto is not joining us today? And what is that on your face?” she asked, pretending not to know. Shikamaru had told her about Naruto’s intended prank but she never thought he would actually go through with it. She went into the kitchen to grab two glasses and a jug of water. Sasuke only ever drank water.

“Hn.” She waited, knowing he would cave eventually. He accepted the glass of water and took a sip before starting his rant.

“I can’t deal with that idiot anymore Sakura. He’s annoying and keeps butting into my business. I can’t have one moment to myself anymore. And on top of that, I have to stay in the village because …of the intel I brought back. He pisses me off so much. And then this,” he faced her, pointing at his face as if it hadn’t been blatantly obvious what he meant with ‘this’, “that moron drew on my face with permanent marker. Permanent. Marker. Sakura.” She could practically see him grinding his teeth and couldn’t hold back another snort.

It was hard for her to keep a straight face when he blinked. Naruto had drawn eyes on his lids and drawn curved lines around his eyes that she thought represented eyelashes. They looked ridiculous. Both his cheeks now proudly displayed a swirl similar to the symbol of Uzushio. And if that wasn’t a way to mark one’s property then Sakura didn’t know what was.

“What do you want me to do about it? You know how he is. No one can stop him if he’s in a mood like that.” He sighed and brushed a hand through his hair. He looked tired. She knew the feeling.

“I just…I can’t deal with this, Sakura. The constant stares are driving me crazy already. And I know he means well but…” Sakura knew he hated staying in the village because he still regretted his actions from before the war. The stares reminded him of how he failed the village. But she mostly suspected that it reminded him of how much he had failed Naruto.

He was, she had realized, the center of his universe, the one person he would always look up to and support no matter what. In a way, Naruto was the same with him. The two of them were two sides of the same coin. How she hadn’t seen this when she had still been in love with Sasuke was beyond her. It was obvious to her now. Sometimes she had envied how the two of them would loose themselves in their world, the only important thing for them each other. There had been no space for her in this equation.

After Sasuke left, Naruto had been so askew, so utterly helpless and hurt by the loss of the one person who understood him that she had almost been glad he left on that trip with Jiraya. She had feared she would never be able to fill that hole, would never amount to as much worth as Sasuke. The thought made her sad now. Maybe she would never be as important to him as Sasuke, but she was his family in all but blood, and that was enough for her.

“I understand Sasuke, but what do you want me to do about it?”, she asked again, knowing she wouldn’t like the answer the way he kept avoiding saying it out loud.

“I want you to spend time with him to distract him long enough so I can have some alone time. Preferably tomorrow. I was hoping a day would be enough, but at this point I’ll be eternally grateful to you if you do it for an afternoon.” She immediately felt uncomfortable. Naruto had a tendency to pry into other people’s business, as Sasuke’s desperation already proved. She didn’t want him to pry into her own business. He wouldn’t stop bothering her until he knew what the problem was and found an appropriate solution. And although she shared with Shikamaru, she wasn’t ready to share with Naruto.

“Absolutely not. And doesn’t he work tomorrow anyway? Just use your Sharingan or Rinnegan to escape him.”

“It doesn’t work that way, he can sense chakra in his Sage mode, and don’t make the mistake of thinking that he won’t use it. Because he will use it.” he muttered the last few words with a severity that almost made her laugh out loud. “And anyway, he’s off work for now, he’s the one responsible for organizing the commemoration of the fallen of the war that’s happening in a few weeks. He’s been scuttling around the village for days now, haven’t you noticed? He’s always dragging me along and…it’s annoying.” She looked at him sympathetically.

She knew he felt uncomfortable with social settings in general but being dragged through the village and being forced to have conversations with people who still openly showed their anger of Sasuke must have been difficult to say the least. She knew why Naruto did it. Naruto’s situation a few years back hadn’t been so different from Sasuke’s current one. And by going around the village with Sasuke was one way to remind them that Sasuke had good intentions, that he had turned a new leaf so to speak.

But change came slowly, and sometimes seeing the consequences of one’s actions so blatantly in people who once greeted him with respect and sympathy was charring. But Naruto wasn’t one who gave up easily. And the commemoration was a good opportunity to try this approach apparently.

_The commemoration._

Sakura blanched. She had forgotten all about that. After the war, it had taken them weeks to find all the bodies of the fallen Konoha shinobi, so the commemoration of the fallen took place a few weeks after the celebration of the end of the war, which had happened about a month ago.

It was decided unanimously by the Kage that they would hold the celebration of the end of the war in each major hidden village, with a week of difference in between celebrations so that all the Kage could be present at every event. The first celebration took place in Konoha, as team 7’s contribution during the war had been widely known. Then the Kage would travel together to the next village, in order to further improve relations between the hidden villages. It was a show of faith, leaving their village without a Kage to protect, but it was something everyone decided to sacrifice for the sake of peace.

It was Naruto’s idea, and honestly, she thought it was a rather good one. This year, Tsunade offered to take Kakashi’s place, as he had just been inaugurated a few months ago and because she knew how Kakashi hated socializing. Sakura suspected that Tsunade just wanted to have an opportunity to drink with her favorite war pals. They had become rather close during the war. Kakashi had been ready to go on the journey, just in case there were any complaints, or people felt affronted that Konoha was the only hidden village that didn’t send a Kage. But no one batted an eye, and people were overjoyed with the prospect of having one of the legendary Sannin, the one who had healed their Kage during the war, participate in the festivals.

And now it was apparently time to commemorate the dead. It wasn’t like they would do this commemoration every year. But the repercussions of the war were still fresh in everyone’s mind, and so this year they would once more mourn their dead for one last time.

It was decided that on that day, the shops would stay closed, and the restaurants would only open in the evening, giving people time to mourn during the day, and commemorate the dead during the evening. Sakura hadn’t partaken last year, as they had still been busy at the hospital with the overabundance of patients. She had welcomed the prospect of not going, had immersed herself completely in work. And she knew that back then it would have been impossible to recall all the people she had lost without breaking down in tears. This year, she didn’t have an excuse to not take part. And she wasn’t looking forward to it.

No she was scared. Of what she wasn’t entirely sure.

“…kura? Will you do it?” she blinked. She must have been spacing out thinking about everything.

“Fine. I’ll see what I can do but I can’t promise you that it’ll work.” He let out a sigh in relief.

“Thanks.” They both sat there in silence for a moment

“So…how have you been?” he asked almost robotically, his hands placed on his knees, his back rigid. Sakura knew him well enough to know that this was an awkward social interaction for him, something he wasn’t used to. And somehow, she knew that she didn’t want to do this now.

“We don’t have to do this, Sasuke. You came here to ask me to distract Naruto, and I will do it because we are friends, but we don’t have to have the pointless small talk if you don’t want to.”

“Are we?” she looked at him questioningly.

“Are we what?”

“Are we friends?” Oh. They were going to do that now? Sakura opened her mouth and closed it again after the confirmation didn’t come out as expected. Were they friends? When she looked at him and saw him frown at her, she couldn’t help but avoid his gaze.

The memories she had ignored and pushed away until now resurfaced and made her grimace. She balled her hands into fists at the emotions that welled up at the memories.

Devastation.

Sadness.

Betrayal.

“You tried to kill me Sasuke.” She wrapped her arms around herself still unable to meet his eyes.

“I know.”

“And you weren’t under a compulsion or genjutsu. You wanted to kill me.”

“I know.”

“And I loved you.”, she retorted, and she almost flinched at the bitterness that was palpable even to her, and he must have heard it too.

“I know.”

“And everyone acts like it didn’t almost happen. And I tried to forget about it all, that you’re different now but…I _can’t_ do it. The hatred in your eyes, and the way your face distorted in rage. I…”

“I’m sorry.” And maybe it was the deep regret she heard in his voice or the apology that she had waited for over a year now, but she released a breath she didn’t know she had held. “I care about you. I cared about you back then too. But because of all the things that were happening I tried to deny those feelings, and to rid myself of any attachments to Konoha, including you. But I was wrong, I shouldn’t have done that to you. Or to Naruto. I realize that now. I was just so full of _rage_ and _anger_ and _sorrow_, and I didn’t know how to deal with that. I’m sorry.”

She felt all the tension from the last few minutes leave her body. His explanation was clumsy and stilted, and it reminded her of the boy he had once been, before he had left to pursue the path of revenge. She smiled at him sadly, because she was acutely aware the hole his betrayal had left her with. The hole of a beloved friend, whom she had been close to like a sister, even though she had wanted to be more than that.

“I want you to know that by telling me this, it doesn’t fix it all. It’s…going to take some time for me to deal with everything but…it’s a start.”

She didn’t know if they would ever get that back. The ease they had interacted with each other, the way they had bickered and argued. It was something that happened so long ago. So much had happened. But they could at least try to fix some of it. She sighed.

“I’ll take care of Naruto, you just…enjoy the alone time. I can understand the importance of wanting some privacy from…everyone around you.” He stood up from where he had been sitting on the couch and made his way to the balcony, because he was a shinobi, and the world would surely be destroyed if any of her friends ever left in a normal way through the front door.

Shikamaru really was normal compared to everyone else in her circle of friends.

“It was good seeing you again Sakura. And thanks.”, he left her alone, contemplating their conversation in the silence of her apartment. She didn’t feel like going out. Something heavy had settled on her chest, something akin to dread. About the coming festivities, but also about spending time with her friend. First the talk with Ino, and now the talk with Sasuke. Would she have to have these deep conversations with everyone? She didn’t want to. She didn’t feel ready at all. But she felt like she didn’t have a choice in that anymore.

And that only made her feel worse.

The next day she went in search of Naruto, even though she dreaded the encounter. Sasuke had told her that he was busy organizing the commemoration and scuttling about the village. It took her an hour walking around the village aimlessly to finally find him. It was surprisingly not at Ichiraku’s. She found him coming out of _Yamanaka’s Flowers_, the flower shop owned by Ino’s family. She called his name and he looked up surprised, a smile appearing on his face. She ran up to him.

“Hey Naruto. What are you doing right now? Are you busy?”

“Oh, I was just about to go look for Sasuke and invite him for lunch, want to join?” Sakura exhaled in relief on the inside after finding out that she had found him just in the nick of time.

“Actually, I was wondering if you could, you know, spend some time with me? We haven’t really done anything together in a while, just you and me.” His smile widened and she winced on the inside knowing that she had only taken the initiative because Sasuke had asked her to.

“Yeah, I’d love to. I still have to do some stuff to do in the afternoon, but you can tag along if you want to?” She nodded and fell into step next to him. Naruto had already fallen back into his old pattern, telling her in a loud voice about his day, chatting excitingly. She asked him about learning the reigns from Kakashi, and he immediately launched into a funny story, telling her how he had pranked Kakashi by gluing the surface of the chair.

Kakashi, unaware of the sneak attack, had sat down on the chair, successfully gluing his cloths to it in the process. He had been so embarrassed that he had stayed in the chair until the end of the day, and after Shikamaru had for the tenth time told him to go home, he finally had to sacrifice his dignity and rip his pants. After that day, Kakashi was only ever seen in his Hokage robes in his office and being overly cautious when sitting down on any surface within the office.

They ate some ramen, with Naruto regaling Sakura with similar stories, making her laugh out loud at some of his better pranks. Somehow this didn’t feel too bad, and she was starting to feel more relaxed with him, enjoying the banter and stories he had in store for her.

She followed him in the afternoon, as he went to different flower shops to order bouquets and decorative arrangements for the ceremony. The size of the order was too big for only one flower shop after the committee had decided to put flower arrangements all over town. Then she followed him to the different restaurants, listening as he explained to the owners how they were only allowed to be open during the evenings, and explaining about the ceremony and what was going to happen.

As she listened, she found out that people would be expected to assemble at 2 o’clock in the afternoon before the Hokage tower, where the Hokage and some other individuals like Naruto would hold speeches. Then they would all proceed towards the cemetery, where some officials would call out the names of the fallen. People then would have time to visit their loved one’s grave or do whatever they liked. Restaurants would be open from five o’clock in the afternoon and were given special permission to stay open all night long until morning for just this day.

By the time Naruto had finished talking to people it was nearing mid-afternoon, and Sakura suggested they eat a snack on top of the Hokage mountain, something they had often done before the war. Sakura bought some dango and together they walked up the mountain, sat on top of the Fourth Hokage’s head, dangling their feet in the air as they watched over the village.

“Maan, I haven’t been up here in ages. It was a great idea to come here.” Naruto stretched his arms over his head and yawned. “I used to come up here a lot as a kid, vowing that one day, I would become one of these faces on this mountain.” His eyes were looking into the distance as he remembered old times.

“Hmm. Don’t forget how you defaced these same faces.”

“That was one-time Sakura!” he exclaimed with fake outrage. She giggled.

“Who would’ve known that it would come true? Soon enough your face will be on this mountain, just like you dreamed as a kid.” She said smiling.

“Yeah, to be honest, I’m a little scared. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy people finally acknowledge me and put their trust in me. But I’m scared that I will disappoint them. That I will fail. Being Hokage isn’t easy. I can see that, watching Kakashi every day. I’m not stupid. I know that I’m not overly good with the finer arts of diplomacy, and I’m worried I’ll fuck it all up.” He looked into the distance, his fist clenching his pants.

“I’m not worried. I know you can do it. Remember all those times when nobody thought that you could succeed? Take the Chuunin exams, for example. Everyone expected you to fail and to lose against Neji. But you persevered. You showed them over and over again that it was possible, that you could burst through any barrier and overcome any obstacle in your path for the sake of the people you love. You proved your worth already Naruto. Now you just have to believe in yourself.” She put her hand on top of his, and she felt him slowly unclench. She handed him his share of dango, and he accepted with a wide smile. “Thanks Sakura.”

They ate in silence as the sun was slowly setting behind them, coloring the village into red and orange hues.

“I wish…” he sighed. “I wish Neji and Hinata could be here with us and see all the progress we made. They never saw the end of the war, never saw the peace coming true.” Sakura, who was holding the stick of dango in mid-air. froze. She hadn’t expected him to mention those two. She felt a sudden heaviness in her stomach and lost all appetite.

“Do you miss them?” She asked in a raspy voice, refusing to look at him and trying hard to hide the trembling of her hand while she bit off a dango from her stick.

“Don’t you?” She had tried to forget them, but their memory had refused to vanish into oblivion as she had so desperately hoped it would. She could never forget them. He continued, “I miss them every day. I felt so useless, during the war, knowing that so many people died. But I hoped. I hoped against expectation that all my friends would make it through. When they told me that they hadn’t made it, I…” from the corner of her eyes, she saw how he had lowered his head. She knew he would be sporting a painful expression and avoided looking at him fully.

Sakura wondered what he would say if he knew it had been her fault they had died. Would he be outraged? Or would he calmly tell her with a sad smile that it wasn’t her fault? She didn’t want to know. Her chest hurt, and her stomach clenched painfully when she realized he was blaming himself for something that only she was to blame for. But she couldn’t utter the words she knew would give him absolution. Because deep down she knew he wouldn’t accept her blaming herself. He was too kind. He had always been too kind.

So, she didn’t tell him. And she didn’t want to receive absolution anyway.

“Hinata-” he said hoarsely, “If Hinata were still alive, I think I would have married her. I think I started to realize my feelings when she sacrificed herself for my sake when Pain invaded Konoha. When she died in order to protect me. It’s stupid, I know, but…when I felt her die, and I lost all control over Kurama, I realized just how much she meant to me. But I put those feelings on hold, because there was a war, and I didn’t know if I would survive.” Sakura listened as he told her about his lost love. About the future he would have had if not for Sakura. The weight in her gut becoming heavier and heavier with each word. The guilt becoming almost unbearable weight on her shoulder to carry.

A tear escaped her eye, as she looked at him. He squeezed her hand, the hand she had put on his for comfort earlier, the one he held now to comfort her, and looked into the distance, his eyes showing hurt beyond which should have been possible for an 18-year-old. The experience of the war had aged him, made him harder and robust on some edges.

They all had to grow up too fast. And some never had the opportunity to grow up to adulthood at all.

Like Hinata and Neji.

“Naruto…” she said, not knowing how or what to reply to this. It was the first time she saw beyond his cheery exterior. Saw the hurt and damage the war had dealt him. That she wasn’t the only one suffering from the harshness of the war. And its consequences.

“Sometimes, I imagine what it would have been like, if she were still alive. How I would awkwardly ask her out on a date. How I would despair over asking her father for her hand in marriage. How I would hide from Neji as he threatens to kill me for touching his little sister.” She choked out something between a laugh and a sob out loud at the picture he painted. He smiled sadly.

“But I have to accept that it won’t become true. They died, and they won’t come back. And that is something that I have accepted as a truth. I am grateful for the people that are left in my life. I cannot become distracted by thoughts of possible scenarios, or of things I could have had in another time. I have to think about what I can do for the ones that are still left alive. How I can serve them, and protect them, and keep them safe. And maybe someday, I can think back on the memories of the two of them and won’t feel the twinge of pain in my chest, and I will remember the joy and the warmth they brought into my life.”

He turned his head to her and smiled broadly, brightly, happily. And her insides twisted at the sight. Twisted in an ugly way. She took this from him. This possibility. This future.

She leaned her head on his shoulder and wiped at her face that was stained with tears, to hide her emotional turmoil and to collect herself. She needed to keep it at bay.

“I’m glad you’re here with me Sakura. I’m glad you’re one of the people I can still protect.” She didn’t say anything in return. Was there even anything she could say? She wanted to apologize, but nothing would come out of her mouth.

They stayed like that for a long time, Naruto quiet for once, until they heard steps behind them.

“What are you idiots doing?” Sasuke asked them, approaching them slowly. “Just sitting there creepily looking at the village.” He said this while sitting down next to Sakura, stealing the dango that she had left next to her and eating it without remorse. She quickly straightened and carefully put on a smiling mask.

“Teme, don’t call me idiot after sitting down next to us.”. Keep smiling. _Keep smiling_, she told herself.

“Hn.”

“And what do you mean ‘creepily’? I’m not creepy at all, okay, I’m like, the least creepy person in this world, believe it!” Sasuke just raised an eyebrow and proceeded to eat another dango.

“Hn.”

“If you have to use a word, you should use ‘lovingly’ or ‘proudly’ or even ‘adoringly’! What do you even mean with creepily! Huh, you make it sound like we were planning to murder someone!”

“Hn. You, protesting so vehemently is evidence enough that it’s true.” Sasuke finished and put one foot down on the ledge, lazily slinging an arm over it, looking aloof. Sakura saw a chance and took it.

“Are you sure you guys aren’t a couple?” Naruto spluttered and Sasuke temporarily lost his balance but caught himself just in time to look indignantly at Sakura. Naruto was much more vocal.

“SAKURA! How could you even suggest that we are together? He’s not even my type!

“Hn.”

“He keeps on insulting me too!”

“Hn.”

“Just look at him! He’s always such an asshole to me!”

“Hn.”

Sakura smiled sweetly. “You, protesting so vehemently is evidence enough that it’s true.” She repeated Sasuke’s earlier remark, caching them of guard. And she didn’t remark on the fact that Naruto, not even once, denied that he liked men. Interesting.

Naruto spluttered.

Sasuke’s eyebrow twitched.

Sakura laughed. While on the inside she kept chanting to herself to keep it together.

Sakura said her goodbyes to the two of them when they separated on the street, their respective flats on a different side of town. As she walked towards her apartment, she heard Naruto loudly argue with Sasuke, and Sasuke’s occasional grunts as an answer.

As soon as she closed the door behind her, her smile crumpled, as she slid down the door towards the floor. She remembered Naruto’s pained expression as he talked about Hinata and Neji. As he talked about what could have been.

If Neji hadn’t taken the blow for her.

If she had saved Hinata.

She buried her head in her knees, her hands tightly gripping her pink strands, tearing, trying desperately to feel some physical pain that matched the hurt on the inside. A sob tore itself out from deep within her chest. She stayed like that for what felt like hours, in the darkness of her apartment, sobbing and crying.

How could she ever forgive herself? Naruto, she knew, as an orphan, had wanted the things others had taken for granted so much. He had wished desperately for a family, to have a spouse, to be a father to his future children. She knew he had envied his friends on how they would be greeted warmly when they came home. How they would tell about their day to their parents, their siblings. And he still wanted this for himself.

So how could she ever forgive herself for taking that away from him? And he loved Hinata, loved her like he hadn’t loved anyone before.

And she was responsible for the lack of this future for not only Naruto, but Hinata and Neji as well.

Neji and Hinata, who had wanted to change their clan’s way, who had both wanted to abolish the abhorrent system of branding the children from the branch family. Who would continue their legacy? Naruto might try and change it, but without the support of the heiress and Neji, their strongest fighter since Hiashi and Hizashi, would it really happen?

She could feel herself tumbling deeper into the darkness of her mind, the part that had slowly regressed into a faraway corner since Shikamaru had opened her up and brought forth her memories and made her face her fears.

But Shikamaru wasn’t here now.

_It should have been you._

There was no one here but herself.

_It should have been you._

She felt herself descend further and further into the darkness. And it welcomed her back, the despair embracing her almost lovingly. As if in a daze, she stood up and headed to her bathroom and looked inside her cabinet. There, innocently, stood a bottle of pain relivers.

_It should have been you._

She didn’t want to think about this anymore. It hurt too much. This… this was the reason she had taken those sleeping pills. To stop seeing them die. To stop feeling so useless. To stop the hurt. Her hands shook for the first time in weeks, as she grabbed the bottle. It would be easy. To swallow the pills. And to make it stop. To make it all stop. She opened the bottle and peered inside. It would be so easy. To take one out and swallow it. Or she could take them all and be done with it.

_I’m glad you’re one of the people I can still protect_

She remembered Naruto’s voice, Naruto telling her how glad he was that she was still alive. She wiped away her tears. Remembered how he told her how he treasured what he still had.

She looked down at the bottle of pills and thought about the moments she spent with Shikamaru. How he had tried to help her, to show her that she wasn’t guilty. She remembered his warm kisses, and the moments when he smiled at her.

She liked him smiling. And she liked the way she felt whenever she was around him.

She also recalled how Ino had hugged her after she told her about her parents. And how she said that she would always be there for her. Her friends tried so hard to help her. And here she was throwing it all away in a moment of weakness. How would Shikamaru feel when he came back and she wouldn’t be here anymore? He would be sad. He would feel guilty just like she had felt for the deaths of the people she couldn’t save. And Ino and Naruto, and Sasuke and Kakashi would feel the same.

Sakura screamed on the inside. She didn’t want to feel like this. But she didn’t want to disappoint her friends anymore.

She didn’t want to be this weak anymore. She didn’t want to feel like this anymore.

She felt so helpless.

Why? Why did she have to feel like this? There was no answer to her question. She feared she would never get an answer.

She didn’t know how long she stood there, with the open bottle of pills in her hand. It was hard. So hard to close the bottle and put it back on the shelf. She was tempted to throw it in the corner, but she wanted it out of her sight. Away from where it could tempt her.

Because it was temptation. It was everything she wanted in this moment. But she couldn’t, no she _wouldn’t_ do it. She wiped the tears from her face and then went into her bedroom, took off her clothes and tugged herself beneath the covers. She hugged her knees tight to her chest. And she didn’t let go, not for the longest time, because she was afraid that if she let go, she would go into her bathroom and continue from where she had left off.

She had to at least try. Try to deal with this. For her friends. For Shikamaru.

It couldn’t be that hard, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...there's a lot of confrontations in this chapter. I think that dealing with both of her teammates within such a short timespan really does a number on Sakura. She isn't someone in touch with herself at the moment (and hasn't been since the war as she proved with the drugabuse and the denial of her feelings for Shikamaru), and she's just relearning feeling more than just sadness and remorse. So this really is bad timing, but life is like this sometimes, throwing curveballs at you when you least expect it...so yeah.  
Next chapter will be a lot longer but will also deal with a lot more angst.  
Don't forget to leave kudos and commments if you liked it!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! This chapter is a lot longer than I anticipated, so...yeah, editing took a lot longer as well.   
Enjoy :)

Sakura tried very hard. Very, very hard. But ultimately, Sakura knew she was weak. She had known that she was one from the moment she decided to take the pills instead of seeing someone professional, who could help with her problems. So, it didn’t come as a surprise to her when she stayed inside the next day. Or the day after that. She tried to keep the feelings at bay, tried hard not to think about the pills in the cabinet. But the more she tried not to think about it, the more her thoughts started to revolve around the pills.

She felt this indescribable need build inside her. A need to just take a pill. It would be just one pill. A tiny, teeny one. It would hardly make a difference. And the nightmares didn’t help. They tormented her viciously, the faces in her dreams transforming into ugly grimaces that didn’t in the least resemble any human being. And even during the day, she sometimes could hear Hinata’s and Neji’s last words to her ghosting around the quiet apartment, reminding her of her weakness. Sometimes, those words transformed into words that urged her to take those pills.

Sakura knew that logically, those things weren’t real, that she was having a mental breakdown, and that the best thing was to go see one of her friends. Or a professional. Or anyone really. She knew that the best thing for her was not to be by herself. But she couldn’t bring herself to open the door. Couldn’t bring herself to move much at all.

Sakura tried hard. She really did. But if she was being honest with herself, it didn’t come as a surprise when she caved two days after the start of her emotional breakdown. It had only taken two days.

Weak.

She was weak.

But she had always known it. And she knew that if Shikamaru could see her, he would be disappointed in her.

But Sakura took one last stand. For all her weakness, she knew that the pills were the wrong decision. She caved, yes, but Sakura didn’t choose the pills. She chose the booze instead. And she drank, and drank, and drank, until she tiredly collapsed on her bed, the voices long chased to the back of her mind, but still present. And then she fell the dreamless sleep she had craved for so much.

The next morning, she immediately regretted her decision. While she was bending over the toilet seat and retching up everything from the previous day, her head pounding painfully, she felt worthless, like the lowest waste of garbage that existed on this earth. Then she retched some more, and she imagined Shikamaru shaking his head in disappointment walking away from her. And that made her feel even worse.

As she lay on her bathroom floor, she asked herself how she could, once again, have made such a stupid choice. She tried to tell herself that the lack of discipline was a one-time thing. Now that she was regretting her actions, she could stop being so stupid.

But well. She knew the truth. It was hard to lie to oneself. And, ultimately, it was far easier to choose the booze than to deal with emotions.

So naturally, when evening approached once again, and she was starting to feel antsy and anxious, she once again opened a bottle of sake. She knew it was the wrong thing to do. She had to face her problems head on. She just wasn’t ready just yet.

She just needed some more time is all.

Yeah.

Sakura wallowed in self-hatred for two days. Two days in which she drank every bottle of booze she could find in her tiny apartment, and surprisingly, there were many. She had some cooking wine, more than a few sake bottles she had received as a birthday present but never opened. She even had some beer in her fridge.

Logically, she knew that she had to face her problems head on and that she couldn’t continue feeling sorry for herself. She had made some progress with Shikamaru in the last few weeks, and she had felt better. She had even started to find her passion for work again. But she didn’t know how to get out of this vicious circle by herself. Somehow, no matter how much she told herself to stop drinking, to not pick up the bottle, come evening she did it anyway, afraid of the dreams, her feelings, and what it all would mean.

But things chung in the late afternoon of the second day. It was unexpected. But it was something she had definitely needed to happen to get better. And she was infinitely thankful that her teacher had come by on a surprise visit.

Sakura had been having the worst headache, after her throw up session around lunch time, she had refused to take a pill for the pain, just like she had the day before. A very big part of her was afraid of the small white capsules of what it would do to her if she took even one of them. She would be in even deeper trouble than she was now, at least that she knew for certain. So, she had abstained and decided to endure the headaches.

Her stomach felt queasy all afternoon long, and she didn’t eat. In fact, she couldn’t quite remember the last time she had eaten, and that scared her. It reminded her of the time before Shikamaru had started to help her, and how she had been so malnourished because of the lack of food. And she was afraid it would happen again now that he wasn’t here to watch over her. She was afraid that she would fall back into old patterns.

Sakura had taken a shower then, trying to get rid of the awful stench of booze and sweat and the sour taste of throw up that had stuck to her, and she had felt a little better after. After she felt like she wouldn’t throw up immediately after ingesting something, she ate a fruit and drank some juice, but her stomach already protested at the unused fullness of the small portion she had eaten.

Now she was lying half dead on her couch, a hand carelessly thrown over her eyes to shield them from the light and groaned in self-loathing at her stupid decisions. She had lain there for a few minutes, contemplating the sweet release of death when she had the urge to go on her balcony and breathe some much-needed fresh air.

There she leaned on the railing for several minutes, observing the busy bustling of the villagers on the street, watching familiar and unfamiliar people walk by. Her head throbbed painfully, and she leaned her forehead on the cold surface of the metal railing and groaned out loud. Maybe that way the pain would finally stop.

“Yo! You look terrible Sakura.” She hadn’t heard him arrive, but when she peeked up from the railing where her head rested, he was squatting on the railing next to her, his trademark carefree expression making her want to hit him in the face.

“Urgh, what are you doing here?” she cradled her head in her hands as if that would hide her pathetic existence from the person right next to her. It didn’t work.

“Maa, that’s harsh Sakura! Here I am, a benevolent and concerned teacher, whose sole purpose in life is the welfare of his students, and this is what I get?” Sakura ignored his fake indignation and took a closer look at the plastic bags in his hand that she had missed the first time she had looked at him.

“Did you bring me dango?” She could see the corners of his mouth lifting, even though it was obscured by his mask. Spending so much time with him as his student had made her susceptible to the smallest of changes in the older man’s expression. That and his eyes crinkled in that adorable way of his’, but she would never admit to thinking that even under the worst of torture.

Kakashi-sensei grabbed one of the containers in the bag and held it up in an offer. She regarded him suspiciously but then caved and took it gratefully. She loved sweets.

“What brings you by?” she mumbled grumpily after she had finally torn one of the balls from the sticks and started to munch on the sticky dish.

“Oh, I was just in the neighborhood and thought why not visit one of my favorite students.”, he said innocently, and she knew something was up.

“Uhuh.”

“So how has the vacation been treating you so far?”

“Fine. How the Hokage life been treating you so far?” She saw him opening his favorite orange book on a worn-out page and start reading, and the action felt awfully familiar. She felt strangely happy that some things would never change, no matter how many difficult trials had to be overcome. This side of Kakashi-sensei would always stay the same.

“Oh, you know, looking forward to the day Naruto takes over, and I can finally enjoy retirement to its fullest potential.” She snorted.

“You and me both know that you’ll never retire. You like being an active shinobi too much.” She heard him chuckle.

“Maa, you might be right on that account.” She ate another dango, and for the first time in the last few days she felt a sort of lightness in her chest. It was good talking to her former teacher like this, exchanging light banter just like old times.

They ate in silence, and Sakura observed the people walking by, a familiar female figure, in particular, catching her interest. An evil smile formed on her face.

“I heard you’ve been sneaking around lately, giving Shikamaru and Naruto the slip.”, she said slyly, regarding him closely for any sort of reaction. She saw his fingers twitch and she knew she was on the right track.

“Maa I have to keep them on their toes or else they’ll never be ready to take over.” Sakura didn’t answer but instead ate the last of her dango and sighed in content. “On another note I heard Naruto had a talk with you. I don’t think I have to remind you of how much an insensitive blockhead he can be…” Sakura let out a breath in consternation at her former teacher’s suspiciously indifferent tone.

She knew then that he must have been really worried. Whenever he used that tone it was in order to hide his true feelings, a necessary precaution taught to all Anbu in service. But her teacher had always had problems with expressing his emotions in a healthy way, and Sakura had learned to differentiate between the nuances during the time she had known him.

“I know Kakashi-sensei. I’m alright. Just having some…bad days is all. No need to worry.” And she was surprised to find that she hadn’t lied. The talk with her teacher had helped to clear her head. She needed to stop relying on her friends to be there whenever she was feeling down or hopeless. This was her life, and she had to start to live it for her own sake. And if she wanted to be better, she had to work on it herself.

“Is that so? Well, we all make bad choices sometimes. I would know best, after all I went off the rails after the Obito and Rin debacle.” She had heard how he had lost Rin during the third war right after he had thought he had lost Obito.

“How did you cope with it? Loosing your most important people like that?” She knew that she was on dangerous territory. Kakashi never talked about his past, had never actually talked to them about the events that had transpired during the third Shinobi war.

“I didn’t. I pretty much made every stupid decision I could make. I joined ANBU to get my mind off, I was reckless and took the most dangerous missions and got hurt unnecessarily by taking stupid risks. In the end, my friends intervened. Gai took me aside and told me I couldn’t continue like that and that was it. I don’t think I would be here if it weren’t for my friends back then.”

“You had some great friends. Still do.”

“So, do you.” She hummed in affirmation and ate her last dango, and she felt him rustle next to her, and she saw him stash his book in one of his hidden pockets. “Well, that’s settled then...”, he raised one hand in a wave, and she suspected he had reached his limit of social interaction just then.

“Thanks for the dango.” _And for coming by to check on me_. She smiled at him and his eyes crinkled in that adorable way again.

“You’re welcome, Sakura-chan. Well, I think I’ll be off now.” He put his hands together in a familiar sign.

“Give Yugao my regards.” He stilled next to her for just a second.

“I will. See you!” With a puff her teacher disappeared, leaving only a few leaves in his place that slowly descended to the ground. She huffed a breath and then went inside.

Sakura went to sleep that night without the help of alcohol or pills. And she started the next day with a healthy breakfast, and then proceeded to clean the apartment and started to collect the trash as well as the empty bottles in a bag and set them next to the door to take out later.

After she had sorted herself out, she went to Ino and was glad when her friend didn’t comment on her long absence, and instead made her help her with the preparations for the festival that was happening in a week. Occasionally she would see Naruto scuttling about, but she tried to avoid him as best as she could when walking around the village aimlessly.

But she couldn’t avoid him forever, and Naruto was the champion of obtrusiveness when one least wanted him to, and it was in one of those moments that Naruto caught her unaware. But the storm of unwanted emotions didn’t come even after the initial awkward greetings, and so Sakura decided it was only fair to spend some time with him walking around the village while he took care of his responsibilities. And she didn’t mind at all listening to his boisterous laugh and funny stories, and she found that she could forget her worries and emotions for a little bit when she was with him.

It was on one of those long walks that she saw Shikamaru again for the first time in a week, and she felt utterly unprepared for the encounter. Naruto, unaware of Sakura’s hesitation, greeted him loudly.

“Shikamaru!” he accelerated his steps and Sakura followed him. Her treacherous heart skipped a beat at seeing him safely back in the village. Shikamaru and his team looked like they had just arrived and were on the way to the tower. Their cloths looked haggard and torn at some places and Sakura immediately took stock of their injuries, but she couldn’t see anything serious, and she was relieved that everything had gone well. She nodded at them but then avoided looking at Shikamaru entirely, instead taking great interest in their surroundings.

“Hey, Naruto, Sakura.” He greeted them as his eyes flickered from Naruto to Sakura and lingered for a second too long before he tried to hide a yawn behind his hand.

“Hey, Shika, we were just heading to Ichiraku’s right now, you wanna join us?” Naruto asked him excitedly, eyes shining at the prospect of his favorite meal.

“Can’t, have to report to Kakashi, and then my mother wants to talk to me about my part in the commemoration. And I just got back too, such a drag.” Naruto and Shikamaru talked for a bit longer in hushed voices, and then they separated, Shikamaru leisurely walking towards the tower, as usual dragging his feet. Sakura followed Naruto, with a new weight in her stomach. She was glad Shikamaru was back safe. But his return also meant that she had to face those feelings she had sort of ignored and then forgotten about when she had that mini-emotional-breakdown. And now she didn’t exactly know what to do.

She wasn’t sure she wanted to tell him about the breakdown either. She felt too ashamed after all the help she had received from him. She was glad that he had a previous engagement with his mother, so she had time to sort out her feelings.

She left Naruto to his own devices after and did some shopping before heading home. She stored the shopping in her fridge and then went to her closet and opened it. She took out her black mourning clothes that she had worn on her parent’s funeral. It was a simple black kimono she had bought especially for that occasion. She would have to wear it during the day on the commemoration, when everyone was expected to wear the colors of mourning when visiting the graveyard.

Shikamaru had said that he had to talk to his mother about the commemoration and she realized that, as the partial head of the Nara clan, he had to be up on the platform with Kakashi when he gave his speech. She wasn’t sure if he had to give a speech himself, but after Naruto had explained to her the proceedings, she knew they couldn’t spend the day together. She had hoped he could be by her side, because she had started to feel safer with him close by, but it couldn’t be helped.

But she would see him up there, with the other clan heads. Ino would be there as well as head of the Yamanaka-clan. Now that she thought about it, Sasuke would have to as well. As the only Uchiha left, he had become the head of the Uchiha clan. Sakura felt immensely grateful that she came from a civilian family in that moment. She knew Sasuke would hate all the attention and she would have been the same. She didn’t think it would have been possible for her to be on that platform without hyperventilating and being too nervous about all the stares.

After the whole proceedings, the bars and restaurants would open in the evening, and she knew most Shinobi would be up and about then, meeting with their friends, commiserating about the dead comrades’ heroic deeds as they fill their bellies with food and sake. People would be allowed to wear colors, as it was considered less formal and a happier occasion. Sakura didn’t know if she would be able to join her friends in the evening. It’s supposed to be a happy gathering, but she didn’t know if her heart was prepared. She already felt uncomfortable with attending the commemoration.

How could she happily reminisce when she was the one responsible for their deaths?

And then there was this little problem with her accidental feelings for Shikamaru. Could she even act normally around him when she would see him again? She felt insecure. She was afraid that this would end the same way it had with Sasuke: in a rejection. And she had no inkling whatsoever on how he felt about her.

She took the black kimono out and laid it on her bed, checking for any stains or creases on the cloth. She would still have time to fix it later if that were the case. She couldn’t find any stains, nor any creases. It looked impeccable just like it had the day she had bought it. She had worn it only once, and then put it in her closet to never look at it again.

Looking at the black kimono, she remembered the day of her parent’s funeral. It had been a small service, with most of the attendants being civilians, who had been friends or acquaintances of her parents. The ceremony was led by someone she hadn’t known. Sakura hadn’t listened, her emotions dulled by the pain of her loss. People had gradually left, and after a few minutes it had only been her, looking at her parent’s grave. She had felt so empty and overwhelmed at the same time, and her black kimono had been draped heavily around her small form, constricting her movements to the bare minimum.

She had felt like drowning, hearing nothing but a continuous rushing sound in her ears.

Suddenly, she was torn from her memory as she felt arms surround her torso as a familiar warmth pressed into her back. She could smell the faint aroma of tobacco and leaned back into the embrace.

“Hey” he pressed a quick kiss on her cheek, “are you going to wear that at the commemoration?” Her heart pounded her chest and his proximity made her feel hot in an almost uncomfortable way.

“Hmm. I was checking it for any stains or the like.” She stepped out of the embrace to bend over the bed and pick up the kimono so she could put it back into the cupboard. He was quiet behind her as she carefully hung it back, smoothing a hand over the fabric to make sure that there were no creases. She wasn’t trying to avoid looking at him or whatever.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah. I’m going to make some dinner, do you want some?” She walked to the kitchen and tried to open the fridge but reached out first and closed it forcefully.

“You’re a bad at hiding stuff and you’re even worse at lying.” She turned around but kept her head bowed, so that she didn’t have to meet his eyes. She wringed her hands.

“Something happened while I was gone. And you obviously haven’t been sleeping well, judging by the dark rings under your eyes.”

“Well…there might have been a slight teeny bit of an incident.”, he sighed, and she took a peek at him. She couldn’t deceiver his expression, but the disappointment she had expected wasn’t there. Instead she could see how tired he was, which reminded her of the fact that he had just come back from the mission today. He probably hadn’t slept for more than four hours, as was customary during a mission.

“And now it’s resolved and I’m fine, so we don’t have to talk about it. Why don’t you take a seat on the couch while I make us some dinner?” She knew it was a cowardly thing to do, but she was allowed to be afraid of his reaction, wasn’t she?

He lifted her chin and then she felt his lips on her. She closed her eyes and felt her heartbeat accelerate at the gentle unhurried caress. It wasn’t fair. How was she supposed to resist this?

He buried his head in the crook of her neck on sighed tiredly.

“How did the mission go?”

“Mhh no casualties, everything went without a hitch.” His breath tickled her skin. “The meeting with my mother was more annoying though. I wish she would let up and give me some room to breathe.” He said while he snaked his arms around her so he could press her more firmly against her.

“What did she do this time?”

“She insisted that I was one of the people to hold a speech on the commemoration day, and I was fine with that, but she constantly pesters me about the details and the speech and about moving back to the compound and…it’s just such…a drag.” She chuckled as she ran her hands through his hair.

“You know, I’m so glad that I’m from a civilian family and don’t have to worry about stuff like that. Holding speeches has always been more Naruto’s forte.”

“Yeah, it’s too troublesome. I’ll keep mine as short as possible. When I told mom she flipped, so before she could tell me about all the responsibility I carry as a clan-head I decided that we should take a break.”

“You mean you escaped from the meeting and are hiding from her here in my apartment.” She said teasingly. He raised his head and smiled cheekily at her before kissing the tip of her nose.

“I can’t say I regret that decision.” She shuddered when she felt his gaze wander over her body suggestively. “So, what did you have planned for dinner? I can help.” His hands travelled down her sides and then to her ass, squeezing it hard. “I have a great idea for dessert.”

His mouth descended on hers once more, his tongue slipping past her lips and she met his urgency in the same manner. But just as she slipped her hands beneath his shirt to touch the hard planes of his stomach, her stomach made its presence known with a loud growl, effectively stopping what would have resulted in a very interesting turn of events.

Instead, Shikamaru chuckled and let go of her. “Dinner first.”

They quickly made dinner and then sat down at the table and ate. It was clear that Shikamaru was losing the battle with exhaustion by the way his head leaned heavily on his hand. In the end, Sakura ushered him to bed, and he grumbled only slightly at her in protest before succumbing to his dire need of sleep.

Sakura washed the dishes and then joined him in bed. She snuggled close to him, and he wrapped his arm around her before he promptly fell asleep, and she did the same.

* * *

Sakura woke up when he peppered kisses along her shoulder and neck, his body a solid weight pressing against her back.

“What time is it?”, she asked bleary eyed, and snuggled back against him.

“Just after 5 in the morning.” She groaned and he chuckled. “I don’t have to work today, we can spend the morning in bed.”

“Your mother is going to kill you when she finds out that you’ve been slacking off.”

“She can try, I just came back from a mission and I deserve some peace and quiet. And I’ll meet with her in the afternoon.”

Sakura thought that now would be the perfect time to talk about their relationship and the breakdown she had, but she just couldn’t get the words out. Would he still be this way with her if he knew about the breakdown? If he knew that she had started to like him in a romantic capacity?

“I have to go to Ino’s later, I promised her I’d help her out with some of the orders.” Ino had been insistent on hogging Sakura’s time after the longer…absence a few days ago. She had promised to help her blonde friend this week, as she was busy with the preparation for the ceremony and the orders at the shop.

“You don’t sound too enthusiastic about it.”

“Yeah well, it’s not the most interesting of activities but I have let her down so I kind of have to do it.” Before she could stop them, the words had left her mouth. She almost hit herself.

“Does this have to something to do with the small slight teeny bit of an incident?”

“…no?” His arm tightened around her stomach and she sighed. “Okay, fine. Yes. I might have had a small, very miniscule c-crisis, in which I may have resorted to…extreme measures I’m not proud of.”

“Whatever happened, it’s fine, I won’t be angry at you if that’s what you’re worried about.” She felt him press his lips on her shoulder. It was warm and sweet and made her feel even worse, because it reminded her of his complete and absolute trust in her that she knew she didn’t deserve. Not after what had happened.

_I almost went back to taking pills._

_I did resort to drinking myself into oblivion as a means to avoid my emotions and problems._

“…”, no matter how much she tried, she couldn’t voice the thoughts in her head.

“One setback doesn’t make you weak Sakura. It just makes you human.” He always did this. He always knew just what to say in what situation to make her feel better. She didn’t deserve this kindness.

“Did Kakashi-sensei tell you?” she asked meekly.

“No. I saw the empty bottles in a bag near the door.” Of course. She had wanted to take them out this morning, but because she had hurried out, she had completely forgotten about them. And he had known all along.

“You know, sometimes I hate that you know everything.”, she said almost petulantly, and he chuckled as he placed an openmouthed kiss on her neck, and then sucked the spot. Goosebumps started to appear on her skin.

“I hardly know everything. I just see the clues and make deductions.” She turned around in his arms so that she was facing him.

“Just because of this, I won’t tell you who Kakashi-sensei is dating.”, she smiled smugly when she saw his eyes widen in surprise. Take that.

“Wait, you know who it is? Who is it?”

“I. Won’t. Tell.” She said sweetly and giggled when he attacked her mouth with a fierce kiss. Her heartbeat loudly in her chest, and she was afraid that he would notice. But if he did, he never said anything about it, and she decided to leave it in favor of enjoying the moment.

Just one week until the commemoration.

* * *

Sakura spent the week alternating between helping Ino and spending time with Shikamaru. All the while in the back of her head, she awaited in trepidation the coming of the commemoration. The mood around the village gradually shifted as well. People became more subdued, they engaged in less lively conversation around town. It felt like a veil had dropped over the whole village, and the once vibrant colors of the village seemed to dull to a stifling grey.

Sakura felt the shift in the mood as well. She felt more antsy, and even though Shikamaru was now a constant presence every night, the nightmares reminded her of her failings during the war. She dreamed more of Hinata and Neji’s passing than of the others, although her parents featured sometimes in those dreams too.

She was grateful, however, that Ino had taken it upon her to keep Sakura busy. And so, although she felt anxious about the whole festivities, she at least had something that occupied her hands. Ino was grateful for Sakura’s help, the preparations for the commemoration taking up most of her time of the day. Two days before the festivities, Ino took her by the hand and to the backroom and led her to one of its corners. There sat two beautiful flower arrangements, with white and light purple lilacs artfully entwined with white and yellow roses and other flowers Sakura couldn’t recognize.

“I made these for Neji and Hinata.”, she said in a gentle voice. Sakura didn’t know what to say, the big lump in her throat making her unable to voice anything. She swallowed harshly. Ino looked at her pensively.

“What do you think?”, she asked Sakura hesitantly, and Sakura swallowed again.

“I think they’re beautiful.” She blinked away some tears. She wouldn’t cry now.

“Yeah? Thanks. In the beginning, I didn’t know how to start, what flowers I should use. But these felt somehow right you know? The purple lilacs mean love, whereas the white lilac represent youthful innocence. The white roses signify a new beginning. I think we all deserve that, a new beginning.”

Sakura nodded. She didn’t have it in her to say anything else.

They quietly made their way back to the front of the store and resumed working on some of the bouquets. When they realized it was beginning to become dark outside, Ino ushered her out, saying that she had helped enough and needed to close up the shop anyway. Sakura waved her friend goodbye and made her way back to her apartment.

_A new beginning, huh._ Sakura didn’t think it was that easy.

But in her heart, she really wanted to believe it was.

As she slipped deeper into her sleep, she could hear the words she hated so much repeat themselves over and over, as if to mock her.

_Your back’s wide open._

_Captain._

_Help us._

_Save us._

_It should have been you._

Only one day left.

* * *

The next day Sakura went to see Ino only to find her panicking.

“I have to stay on the platform with all the other heads, can you believe it? I mean at least I don’t have to prepare a speech like Shikamaru, but really what’s the point?”

“Do you know what you’ll wear?” Sakura asked her, handing her a dango stick, which Ino took gratefully. Nothing helps quite as well as sweets when trying to calm her friend down.

“Yeah, my mom has prepared my clothes _ages_ ago, I tell you, she’s been annoying me left and right about the damn ceremony and what an _honor_ it is to stand with the other clan-heads and the Hokage.”

“Hmm.”

“And then, listen Sakura, they had the _audacity_ to tell me that I would be expected to make an appearance at the dinner that is hosted for all the clan-heads, to _improve_ relations between the clans. They said it like I should be _overjoyed_ at being offered such an _honorable_ invitation, like I’d _voluntarily_ sit at a table to awkwardly talk with some old geezers drone on about politics and duty. Urgh. Like, I understand that it’s necessary to solicit relations within the village, but honestly, I already did that a month ago at the end of the war celebration and I don’t even have an ounce of will to ever repeat that boring experience. No thanks. You should have seen the eyes of the elders when I told them my mother would take my place. Like it was the craziest thing they had ever heard.”

“Shikamaru is going to be there. It can’t be that bad really. You can just spend the evening with him, Naruto and Shikamaru.”

“But I want to spend it with all my friends. We already booked a table at the **_Green Valley_**_,_ and everyone from the Rooky 9, and yes, that includes you Sakura, are going to be there. Naruto already promised to drag Sasuke with him, so it’s clear they not going to that stuffy dinner, and Shikamaru is for sure not going because he loves shirking his duties, so that’s that.”

“Wait, Ino, what do you mean- “, she was still processing the fact that she had just been forcibly invited to a party she had been hellbent on avoiding.

“So, we’ve already decided that we’re meeting at six o’clock at the pub so make sure to be there. Oh, and wear something nice, like that red dress, for example, because we are going to drink and party the hell out of that evening, and Tenten said she will wear a slutty dress so that Lee will finally make a move on her so, naturally, we are required to wear slutty dresses as well, because us girls need to show a united front. And because I kinda, possibly, really need Sai to sex me up as well, so yes, wear that red one. I’m sure your secret lover will appreciate it.”

“Wait Ino, I won’t- “, but Ino wouldn’t listen and started shoving her towards the door.

“Sorry Sakura, I really don’t have time to talk anymore, I really have to finish these orders and prepare for tomorrow. Thanks for coming by and letting me rant, I’ll see you tomorrow at six, okay? Make sure to be on time! Bye!”

With that Ino pushed Sakura out of the store and put a “we are closed” sign up for everyone to see. Sakura stood there, feeling lost and overwhelmed for a second, and then decided to spend the rest of the day at home reading. She couldn’t really concentrate on the words on the page, thinking about just skipping tomorrow altogether. But she knew that wasn’t an option, as others would notice her absence. And as she wasn’t currently working, it would be strange for her not to show her face.

With a sigh she went to her closet and took out the red dress. She hadn’t worn it since that day she had tried it on in the shop. Would Shikamaru like it if she wore it? She held it in front of her while looking at her reflection. Maybe she would just not go.

She hung it back into her closet. She would decide tomorrow.

Shikamaru turned up in the afternoon and hugged her close. The last week, he had been her strong pillar that kept her up, that reminded her of why she was doing this, of why she was facing her fears and her failures. And he had been so patient with her that it only made her fall harder in love with him.

The last week they had continued their sexual adventures, but it had felt different for Sakura. It had felt more meaningful, deeper, and more sensual than their previous tryst. She was falling hard. She knew that. But she couldn’t stop being together with him, doing these things with him. He made her feel things she never had before, and a big part of her wanted to feel even more.

It was exhilarating.

It was scary.

His kisses would always start out slow playful, but more often than not, they quickly developed into something sensual.

A promise.

Even right at this moment, when she wrapped her arms around him to press him closer and his hands darted around her to take hold of her ass, she couldn’t stop the thumping of her blood or the urgency that welled up from deep within her. He groaned when his hardness pressed against her.

“Troublesome woman. I can’t stay long. I just came to see how you were doing.” He kept prepping her mouth with soft short kisses. She felt a wave of disappointment hit her as she forced her desire down once again. In the last week, although they had continued their exploration, he always stopped before things could go too far. As if he was waiting for something. But for the love of Kami she couldn’t figure out what it was.

“I’m fine. You should go. It wouldn’t do for the Nara-clan head to be unprepared for the commemoration.”

“Are you sure?”, he took her face into her hands, and she tried to hide the turmoil from the last days behind a tired smile. He searched her eyes pensively but didn’t push.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“I’ll see you after the ceremony?” She had planned to go home not knowing in what sort of emotional condition she would be in, so she didn’t want to make a commitment.

“I thought the afternoon was for the families to spend together…? Shouldn’t you stay with your mother and other people from the Nara clan?”, although there was no official rule, because all the shops were closed until the late afternoon there was nothing to do in the village, so people would go home to mourn in private and spend time with the rest of their families. Sakura had no one left, so she would be in her apartment by herself.

“Yeah, well I haven’t decided yet what to do. And my mother probably wants to spend it with some of her friends in the Nara-clan. She started this reading group with a few other mothers, and I think they made plans or something.”

“Yeah, well we can deal with that the tomorrow. You should go.” She felt proud of the non-committing answer and ushered him to the door. He frowned but complied, giving her another kiss before leaving.

When she lied back on the mattress, she thought about visiting her parent’s grave. She hadn’t been since the funeral. She suddenly sat up. Should she have arranged some flowers? What if her parent’s grave was the only one without any flowers? Should she go by Ino’s and ask for some last-minute arrangements?

No, she shouldn’t bother her friend about that. And tomorrow was only about honoring the fallen of the war anyway. So, the civilian’s graveyard, the one right next to the shinobi one, would definitely have some graves without flowers.

Yes, everything’s going to be fine, she tried to reassure herself in her mind.

She closed her eyes, but her mind was full of worries, so she was unable to sleep. She tossed and turned for hours, and then she worried about not having enough sleep, and that again made her unable to sleep.

Finally, in the early hours of the morning she fell into a fitful sleep. She woke up with a start, afraid that she had overslept, but when she looked at the alarm o’clock it showed that it was eleven. She had slept for four hours, but it had to be enough. She had three hours to get ready and to eat, plenty of time, but she wanted enough time just in case.

She took a shower, and then ate breakfast in her underwear, because she didn’t want to accidently stain her black Kimono. She ate some fruits and drank some orange juice. She tried to read but she was unable to focus on the words on the page. Her eyes stung because of the lack of sleep and she felt antsy and restless. She moved around the apartment, cleaning stuff that was already clean, rearranged pillows where there wasn’t any need.

Finally, looking at the clock she knew she couldn’t put it off any longer and went to put on the kimono. She put on layer after layer, making sure that there was enough distance between her neck and the collar as she was taught by her mother when she was still a child.

It was times like these when she missed her the most. When she was a child, her mother would put on the kimono herself, and teach her how to perfectly tie the obi so that it would look elegant and neat. Now, Sakura was by herself, but she wished someone was here to help her with these layers.

But there was no one.

Sakura slipped into the wooden slippers and the grabbed the small sachet.

She styled her hair by running her hand through it. She really needed another haircut. But it would have to do for now. The door closed behind her with a loud clunk. For a moment, she contemplated turning around and hiding in her apartment. She nibbled at her bottom lip, but she knew she had no choice but to go.

She slowly walked towards the platform that was the Hokage tower’s roof. On the way, she saw others that were doing the same, some nodded others waved their hands. She didn’t talk to any of them and none really tried to talk to her. The mood was subdued, as it had been for the last few days.

Before the Hokage’s tower was a big circular space. Sakura stood in the shade on the outer side of the circle and waited as the space filled with people. She could see some shinobi standing on the roofs of the surrounding buildings to get a better view of the platform.

After thirty minutes the place was packed with people, and Sakura was pressed back into the wall of the shop. It was uncomfortable and hot with people pressing against her, and she wished she had stayed away. She clutched her satchel close and pushed more firmly against the building in the hopes to get some distance from the people in front of her.

It didn’t work.

She knew today wouldn’t be a good day for her anyway.

She heard people call each other’s name as they recognized the person next to them. She could only make out a few words of the murmurs around her, too many people were talking at the same time. It sounded more like a loud rushing sound to her than anything coherent. How anyone could understand each other was beyond her.

It felt suffocating.

She wanted to go home.

She heard people cheering and as she looked up, she saw Kakashi on top of the building. Behind him she could see Tsunade standing proudly, with Naruto beside her and the clan heads standing in a half circle behind them. She knew by the cheering that he was saying something, but the noise was too loud for her to understand anything. His speech was short, but she wasn’t surprised because he hated speaking in front of people. He always said that actions could convey much more than words.

After Kakashi, it was Tsunade, and then Naruto, Shikamaru and Hiashi who held speeches respectively. They were short and concise, but she could see that some people were crying, others were smiling sadly.

After half an hour, some people went into the direction of the cemetery, while others went home. Sakura was reluctant to go to the cemetery. Already she felt exhausted and the only thing she wanted to do was burrow herself into her covers and sleep. The guilt and sadness that had started to make a reappearance at the thought of the cemetery didn’t help. They were a heavy weight in her gut.

But once again, she knew she didn’t have a choice but to go. Sakura wanted to wait until most of the crowd had gone, so she stayed where she was, watching the people slowly trotting away. Something touched her sleeve and when she turned around, she saw Shikamaru standing there.

“Shikamaru, what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to walk with the other clan heads?” he mustered her from top to bottom. She self-consciously tugged her hair behind her ear. He was wearing a traditional Hakama, the trousers a light grey color with white stripes, the Haori, the overcoat, a deep black color, with the customary white haori himo, the white fluffy ball dangling on his chest. His hair was tied back as always, but instead of a simple hair tie, he used a silk band to tie his hair, with a pendant of his clan symbol dangling from it. He looked stunning and regal, a befitting image of a clan-head.

“You look beautiful Sakura.” She blushed but waited for his explanation. “My mother and I have agreed that we split duties today. I held the speech, and she will be taking my place in the proceedings that follow. Which leaves me with very much free time. Let’s go together.” He tugged at the sleeve of her kimono, and they walked towards the cemetery. He didn’t leave her with any room to protest, so she followed after him. His presence alleviated some of the pressure that had built inside of her, and she instantly felt calmer in his presence.

Sakura’s movement, unlike Shikamaru’s, were restricted by the heavy fabric that was wrapped around her tightly, thus their pace was quite slow.

They walked in silence, Sakura holding her small satchel in front of her with both hands, and Shikamaru walking beside her with his characteristic slouch. They reached the cemetery, and because they were some of the last to leave, they found themselves in the back row. She couldn’t see the front, but she didn’t have to for this part. She knew that Naruto and the other clan-heads were standing in the front row, while the elders and Kakashi were standing facing the crowd. They would now speak each of the fallen shinobi’s name in alphabetical order and would hit the gong in between.

“Atsushi Setsuko.”

Sakura listened as they announced the names and startled when she felt Shikamaru take her hand in his. She discreetly looked around, but because they were in the last row, no one could see them holding hands. His thumb was drawing patterns on the back of her hand. She tried to tug her hand out of his, but he just linked their fingers together in response. She stubbornly looked at the front, trying to ignore the touch. But it was hard to ignore the warm feeling that the touch sent through her.

“Hyuuga Arata.” Sakura became completely still. She heard the gong, then waited with bated breath.

“Hyuuga Hinata.” She remembered her friend’s crying face as she screamed her last words.

_It should have been you._

“Hyuuga Neji.” She remembered her friend collapsing, as he took the hits that were meant for her.

She didn’t listen to the names that followed. Shikamaru squeezed her hand, his thumb slowly caressing hers. She swallowed thickly as her chest constricted painfully. She wouldn’t cry. Not here.

The names continued but she didn’t really pay attention. It felt final. Hearing their names called out like this. It felt like the world had accepted their deaths.

If only Sakura could do the same.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Shikamaru rigid. In the next moment she heard the name.

“Nara Shikaku.” That’s right. Shikamaru had lost his father. Now it was her turn to caress his hand, and she saw how he started to relax, his back returning to his usual slouched position. He tilted his head to the side and smiled sadly at her then turned it back to face the front.

It took a long time for the names to be called. After the last gong sounded, Shikamaru tugged her along to a corner of the cemetery. Sakura didn’t know where they were headed until she saw the flower arrangements. Purple and white lilacs, with white and red roses. These were Hinata and Neji’s graves.

She didn’t like the fact that he had taken her here. She wanted to come here by her own accord. She didn’t feel ready.

“You haven’t been here yet, have you?” She shook her head, unable to utter a single word. They stood there in silence, each of them too immersed in their own thoughts.

Sakura had felt the damn voices in her head become louder. The one that only uttered one and the same sentence, over and over in the same accusing voice.

_It should have been you._

And the one that was affectionate and almost teasing, its owner choking on his own blood.

_Your back’s wide open._

The memories of their deaths kept repeating and repeating, never stopping in their continuous loop. She didn’t have time to relax, not even for a second. She felt like she couldn’t breathe.

“Sakura…” She let go of his hand and he let her.

“Why would you bring me here? You know…”

“Listen, I-“ Suddenly from her left she heard a deep voice, one she hadn’t expected to hear again. She felt stupid for not being prepared. After all, she was standing in front of his children’s graves.

“Haruno-san. Thank you for visiting my daughter and nephew’s grave. I would like a moment of your time, if that is alright with you?” She turned around to face Hyuuga Hiashi. The man she had never wanted to meet. How could she so shamelessly look at him right now?

She had murdered his daughter and his nephew, whom he had considered his son.

_It should have been you._

_Your back’s wide open._

He was by himself, wearing a similar outfit as Shikamaru, with his hair freely cascading down his shoulders, his pupil-less eyes watching her in that disconcerting way of his’.

She turned to Shikamaru. “Please give us a moment. I will talk to you later Shikamaru.” He left, but she could see that he didn’t like the situation, his steps a little bit too heavy and too slow to be anything but willing.

“To what do I owe the honor Lord Hyuuga?” Sakura bowed, then straightened but kept her gaze at the level of his shoulders. She couldn’t meet his eyes.

“I wish to talk to you about a matter that has been on my conscience for quite some time now.” He turned toward the graves, kneeling in front of Hinata’s and brushing away some stray leaves that the wind had blown on her stone.

“It is regarding my daughter’s last words to you on the battlefield.” Her face drained of all color. She had to give it to him, he did not beat around the bush.

“I’ve never told anyone about that.” The ‘how did you know?’ was very much implied. Her heart was beating heavily in her chest, her hands clutching the satchel until her knuckles turned white.

“And I am eternally grateful to you that you have protected my daughter’s reputation by doing that.” He sighted and stood up, still facing his children’s grave.

“But you seem to forget that I was present when Neji died, and that I witnessed my daughter’s words. The war put an unbearable burden on all of us. Some of us had witnessed the cruelty of war before, in the third-shinobi war. But Hinata, as well as you, saw the horrors of war for the first time. You took it much better than my daughter.” He sighted. Sakura kept quiet. She didn’t know where this was going.

“As a child she had always looked up to Neji. She would follow him, and secretly watch him train. I knew that she suffered from Neji’s cold attitude. But this changed after the Chuunin exams. They became as close as two siblings would, and she thrived in that relationship.” She knew this already, had witnessed how their relationship changed from estranged cousins to something closer that people would only be able to describe as siblings.

“Watching her beloved cousin die in front of her, it broke her.” She knew that it had devastated her to see Neji fall. It had been devastating for Sakura as well. But Sakura had never had a sibling. The closest she could count as a brother was Naruto. It was different though, because she had never exactly lived with Naruto in close quarters and watched him grow up. So, for Hinata, the loss of Neji must have been much, much harder to witness than for Sakura.

“I do not wish to excuse her behavior in any way. Merely explain to you why she said what she said. After you left with your unit, and she had time to calm down, Hinata felt extremely ashamed and apologetic. She wished to apologize to you and it ate at her heart, not knowing if she would ever be able to right her wrongs. After all, any of us could have died any time back then. She made me promise that if anything happened to her and I survived, I would tell you. And as you know, she never found a chance to do it herself.”

Sakura’s heart broke. She hadn’t expected this turn of events. She never expected Hinata to apologize, or to take back her words. After all she had been right in her anger. Neji had died because of her. That was an irrevocable truth. Yet, hearing him say those words, the knot in her chest loosened ever so slightly.

“I should have told you back then in the camp. When the nurse came out to tell me of Hinata’s passing. But I was overcome with grief, and I set out immediately into the battlefield the next day.” For the first time she looked at Hiashi, looked at his face. He had known she was there? Had he known she had died on her table? A big lump formed in her throat. She tried to search his eyes for the answer, and she could see his eyes softening.

“Not everyone who died in the war had the honor of dying in the presence of their friends and loved ones. And I am eternally grateful that you were by my children’s side when they left this world. The nurse told me of the events leading to my daughter’s death, and how you’ve tried everything in your power to save her.” She clutched her satchel even tighter, looking at her feet, hiding from the kindness that she could see in his eyes. She wanted to cry but she tried to hold it back. She could do this, she would not break down here.

“And I will tell you now the words my daughter wished to convey to you.” He paused. And with a gentleness she hadn’t expected from him he said:

“I’m sorry Sakura. It wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you. And neither does Neji. He saved you because it was his way of being a shinobi, and we should honor his sacrifice with the respect and love it deserves. Thank you, Sakura, for trying your best in saving him.”, Sakura tried to hold back a sob with her hand, as tears streamed down her cheeks. She felt Hiashi place a hand on her shoulder and squeeze it for comfort. Then he left her standing in front of her friend’s grave’s, leaving her to mourn their deaths. When the last tear had left her eyes stinging, and the last sob left her throat sore, she finally turned around and left the cemetery.

Hinata did not blame her for the death of Neji. And her father didn’t blame her for Hinata’s death. And it was that knowledge that finally made her realize how wrong she had been all along. That she had insulted Neji’s sacrifice with her suicide attempt.

After walking halfway to her apartment, the skies opened, and heavy rain started to pour down. With a curse, she started to run as fast as she could with the kimono and shoes restricting her movements. She used her satchel as a makeshift umbrella, but her hair and kimono were soaked within seconds, making it even harder to move with the heaviness weighting her down.

Suddenly she felt herself being lifted in two strong arms and carried at top speed towards her apartment. She looked up into Shikamaru’s face, his expression unreadable. “What are you doing! Let me down this instance! I can walk by myself just fine.”

He ignored her indignation and gently settled her down on her feet in front of her apartment. She hit him with her satchel. “Ow, that hurts. Troublesome woman.” She lifted a threatening finger at him and said with anger lacing her voice.

“Don’t you ever princess carry me again Shikamaru!” he rubbed at the spot where she had hit him. He smiled boyishly at her.

“So, it’s okay to carry you any other way?” She didn’t answer but turned around and entered her apartment. He followed after her. She had accepted long ago that people liked invading her personal space and ignored her need for privacy.

She went to her bedroom and tore at her obi, but because the rain had drenched pretty much everything she wore, it was too hard to remove by herself. Shikamaru pushed away her hands and opened the knot without much difficulty and threw the obi on the ground. She immediately threw off the Kimono that had become uncomfortably heavy and stood clad in only a bra and panties with her back to Shikamaru. She could feel his gaze, travelling up and down her body. She turned around wrapping her arms around her torso, shivering because of the coldness that had permeated her to her bones. Her underwear was drenched as well, but she didn’t want to be completely naked in front of Shikamaru.

“Cold?” he asked, embracing her, but his drenched cloths weren’t really helping. She helped him take off his Hakama and carefully draped it over the back of the chair that stood in the corner with various garments carelessly strewn on top of it. She shivered, and he hugged her again, his hands rubbing her skin to warm her up.

“How about we take a bath together to warm us up?” She nodded. A bath sounded amazing right now. They went to the bathroom and hot water flowed into the tub. She took off her underwear and waited until he had poured some of the bath oil into the water. Then they went into the tub together. She leaned back until her back was pressed against his chest as he put his arms around her, then closed her eyes and sighed in bliss. The hot water was exactly what she had needed to warm up.

He kissed the top of her head, and she felt him relax behind her, soaking in the scented water.

“Thanks for coming to the cemetery with me.” She said after a while. She placed her hands on top of his hands on her stomach

“Hmm. Thanks for giving me an opportunity to escape those old geezers.” She giggled at that.

“Ino must be furious with you right now. She hated that she had to participate in the ceremony at all.”

“Ino can deal. Naruto and Sasuke were there as well, so she’s got nothing to complain about.” She sat up to close the tap and then settled back against him.

“Are you going to the _Green Valley_ tonight?”, he kissed her shoulder then turned to nuzzle her neck. Before Shikamaru had found out about her addiction to sleeping pills she had always thought of him as a less affectionate person. But after these few days she had spent with him she realized that she had been completely mistaken about that assumption. He seemed to crave contact. And she realized that she craved to be touched in turn.

“I haven’t decided yet. I might just stay in today although Ino did forcefully invite me to the party.” He snorted.

“Did she tell you to be at the place and time she suggested without asking you if you actually want to participate?”

“Yeah, pretty much.” he kept placing small kisses on her neck, but if felt playful, and not at all like the scorching kisses she had enjoyed the last few weeks.

“She does have a tendency to do that. It’s an annoying habit she picked up from our Genin days. Back then, she would command all of us around, and we made the mistake of complying with her too often.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. Whenever we refused, she would throw a tantrum so big, Asuma and Choji immediately gave in to her demands. They never could handle a crying Ino.” She laughed.

“That sounds like the Ino I know. She’s similar to Naruto that way. He never forced us, but whenever the question about dinner arose, he would suggest in his loudest voice that we should go to Ichiraku’s. Kakashi would humor him and I was always annoyed that we ate at the same restaurant over and over. But now I know that Ichiraku was the only restaurant that accepted Naruto as a customer.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, one time I insisted that we go to the barbeque joint that your team always went to, you know, the one with the all-you-can-eat menu at lunch time?” he hummed in recognition. “In the end they did serve us, but they would ignore Naruto the whole time, then forget his order on purpose. They wouldn’t even fill his glass with water and kept whispering insults when they thought we wouldn’t hear. I felt so bad, I never suggested to go anywhere else again. And after that incident, we would just always head for Ichiraku’s after training.”

“Old man Teuchi has always been one of the nicer people in the village. Always keeping an eye out for people in need.”

“Yeah, he used to give me free meals after Sasuke left the village. Naruto was gone on that trip with Jiraya, and Kakashi went back to ANBU so I was feeling pretty lonely at times. He would call out my name when I walked by, ask me about my day and then offer me a meal.”

Sakura became silent, thinking about old times. About how, after a long day of training, she would come home to a set table, dinner ready, and her parents asking her how her day was. And she would rave on and on about how annoying Naruto was, and how hard and exciting it was to learn under Tsunade, and they would listen attentively and praise her. She missed them dearly.

“Do you miss him? Your father I mean.” She asked.

“Mhhh, every day. But I know that he gave his life to protect what he loved most, and I have to remember that he wouldn’t want me to grieve too much anyway. He had never really been a sentimental person. Hinata and Neji too, died protecting their loved ones. All we can do is to protect the values that they died for.”

“You listened, didn’t you?” she said in a matter of fact voice. Shikamaru was a curious person, someone who loved solving puzzles. She had known when she asked him to give her some space that he wouldn’t be able to resist listening in. She felt annoyed and exposed, as if her innermost thoughts and secrets having been brought to the surface. She wasn’t sure she liked it. No…she resented it.

“Yeah.” He didn’t sound all too apologetic. Even if he did apologize, she knew that he wouldn’t mean it. She sat up to put some distance between them. She realized how stupid it was to start this conversation in such a confined space. She wanted to pace. To be able to put space between them, but in this confined tub, it was impossible not to touch. But maybe he knew that she needed space because he stayed where he was, giving her the little space that she could have. But she could feel his gaze on her back.

“You keep on doing that. Invading my personal space, trying to uncover my secrets like I’m a puzzle. And maybe that’s all I am to you, right? A big fat puzzle to fulfill your incessant need of entertainment.” She slung her arms around her torso, her arms trembled from the agitation that she felt. After saying those words out loud she knew that she believed them, that she had known this to be the truth from the beginning, but had foolishly buried it deep down, because she wanted to believe that there was someone who cared about her this way, who maybe would come to like her, even love her. She heard him sigh.

“You’re wrong Sakura. You’re one of my precious friends.” He touched her shoulder, tentatively, but she immediately flinched away.

“Kami, this is a mess. Tsunade warned me about this, but I wouldn’t listen.” He sighed.

Sakura froze. What did he just say?


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the conclusion of it all and some explanations that a few of you have been waiting for. This chapter contains some explicit sexual content, you have been warned!  
Enjoy :)

“What do you mean? What has Tsunade got to do with this?” She asked agitatedly, not understanding where this was going.

“This isn’t how I wanted this to go. Let’s get out of here so we can have a proper conversation, eye to eye.” She agreed, and got out of the bath before him, took a towel and wrapped it around her and headed to her room without looking at him. She hastily put on some loose trousers and a long-sleeved shirt and went back to the living room. He was sitting on the couch, dressed in some jogging pants and a short-sleeved grey shirt. She didn’t know where he had taken them from, but she was glad that she didn’t have to face a naked Shikamaru anymore.

She sat on the opposite side of the couch, putting some distance between them and he looked at her with his brows furrowed.

“What did Tsunade warn you about, Shikamaru? What is going on?” He closed his eyes and sighed.

“Well I’ll start at the beginning.” He paused, collecting his thoughts most likely. “We knew something was wrong with you after the war. You kept distancing yourself from us, kept looking for excuses to be alone.” He slowly let out a heavy breath.

“But we thought that you were grieving just like the rest of us. We thought that it wasn’t to a degree where it was unhealthy. We were all grieving in some way or another and we knew that people grieved differently, and we ultimately decided that we should just give you time to heal, time we needed as well to overcome the deaths that had devastated us all. Maybe if we had intervened earlier...maybe it wouldn’t have come to this.” He paused, deep in thought.

“What do you mean _we_? Who knew?” he looked at her and smiled sadly.

“Everyone knew Sakura. It was quite obvious to all of us that you weren’t your usual self. Naruto and Ino and I were the first to notice of course, but Tsunade and Kakashi weren’t far behind. The others pretty much noticed afterwards as well. We’ve known you since you were a kid. Of course, we would notice something was wrong with you. Just as you’d notice when something was wrong with Naruto.” He said in a gentle voice. She blanched at that. _Everyone_ had known? And she had prided herself in being so good at hiding her emotions. She looked down at her clenched hands.

What a fool she had been. What a fool she still was.

“At first we all thought you’d come along eventually. And you did become better for some time. But then Naruto, Ino and I went on that mission together for a few weeks, and when we came back…well to say the least we were worried. After your parents’ death you had completely shut down any attempt of help from us. You retreated into a shell, barely talked to us, you stopped hanging out with anyone. Tsunade told us to just let you grieve, that your parent’s death was too raw for. And stupid as we were, we followed her advice.” He paused again.

And she remembered the way she was after her parents’ death. How hollow and useless she felt, how she had gone through the motions like a zombie. And she hadn’t become any better after, the more time she spent like that, the worse she had become until it had all become too bad.

“Tsunade tried in her own subtle way. Working together with you on the establishment of the mental ward was her way of trying to coax you out of your shell. To try and make you see that you were in a bad place and needed to accept help. But…well…suffice is to say it didn’t work.” She felt even worse now. To think her friends and mentor had seen through her to that extent. She didn’t know how she felt about that. And Shikamaru…did he approach her only because he wanted to help her? And what about the sexual aspect of their relationship? Had that also just been a form of help? She didn’t know any more. She had been so clueless about everything.

She had thought that she had regained her happiness. But it had all been a sham.

She was such a fool.

Sakura felt her throat close up, but she didn’t dare say anything. She didn’t think that she could hide her trepidation from him. And she knew that if she spoke, he would surely be able to hear the trembling of her voice. So she didn’t say how his admission made her feel so small and helpless and furious and hurtful.

“And then, a few weeks ago, Ino took me aside.” He said gravely, and she looked at him in question. But he had a faraway look in his eyes, the kind of look one that told her he was remembering vividly the scene he was talking about. “She told me that we had to act now. And she was right. We had been inactive too long, leaving it to chance. By the time I noticed how far you’ve shut yourself off, I was almost too late.” His eyes refocused as he looked at her with a seriousness he often exuded when on mission. “So, I approached you. Or at least, I tried to.”

In the beginning I tried to get a reaction out of you by just being near you and tried to engage you in conversations repeatedly.” She remembered how he had appeared everywhere for weeks on end, accompanying her, talking to her. So that was why. She could see the white of her knuckles as she clenched her hands even more. “That didn’t work, mostly because you had, by then, become a master in avoiding people, and it was vexing really, how you found an excuse to hide from me every single time.” She felt a slight vindication at the thought of not making it easy on him. Right now, she didn’t feel all too positive towards him.

She knew that logically, she should feel happy that he approached her in the hopes of helping her. But somehow, the thought of him hiding something so big from her felt as if he had betrayed her.

He continued his story, unaware of her inner turmoil. “After spending some time near you I noticed how you flinched whenever someone touched you, even if it was by accident. You seemed fine if it was in a professional capacity, but whenever it was outside of work you would just flinch away whenever someone touched you. As if you hated being touched.” He looked up and met her gaze, and she felt like she couldn’t look away, like she was sucked into the darkness within his eyes, and would drown, and drown and drown, until there was no way out.

He had seen everything all along. She absolutely _hated_ that he knew everything about her. Couldn’t she have even a little to herself?

“Just like you did in the bathtub just now. Like it physically hurt when someone would touch you. And it hurt seeing you like that.” She looked away then. It was true in a way. Every time someone had tried to touch her, she had felt an unbearable pressure in her chest. Like she didn’t deserve it. Like she didn’t deserve the love and affection that was directed at her.

She was surprised when she felt him touch her hand, but she tried not to flinch and give him the satisfaction of being right once again. She was petty like that sometimes. And because she was petty like she was, she wanted to reject his touch. Yet, when his fingers tentatively caressed her skin, she couldn’t help it when the tension left her body. She let his hand envelope hers as she unclenched her fingers. His hand was warm, and she liked the rough texture of his skin running along hers. And for some minutes, he they just sat there as he held her hand, his thumb softly caressing her, and letting her adjust to his touch.

Maybe he knew just how much it hurt her hearing him talk about her like this.

“When I told Tsunade, she told me to be careful. She said people with anxiety or PTSD often have trouble with social interactions, closeness to others, and, in extreme cases, flinched away from the touch of other people.” He paused and squeezed her hand in comfort when she couldn’t bear looking at him anymore.

“She told me to be extra careful. The wrong handling or approach could trigger an episode, or reaction that could potentially do more harm to you than help. She said that in order to not overwhelm you, to only let one person approach you at the beginning. Naruto, of course, volunteered, said he knew you best, but Tsunade immediately shut him down. Said you would be too guarded around someone close to you and that it could have the opposite effect and make you even more guarded than before.” She still couldn’t meet his eyes and instead focused on their hands that kept moving and caressing each other as if discovering something they had never touched before. To think that her friends had all gone to such length. His thumb brushed over the sensitive skin on the back of her hand. In that moment she slightly hated the shiver that ran through her spine. He must know exactly how to play her, to touch her in just the right way to elicit a reaction.

“Of course, I immediately volunteered. Naruto was pissed off that it wasn’t him. And Ino, for some reason, immediately jumped at the suggestion that it should be me.” Sakura tried to suppress a blush. Ino must have somehow noticed her small crush on Shikamaru before the war. “Tsunade took me aside then and told me how I should be careful with you, that I shouldn’t push you too much. The fear of physical touch a sure sign of your vulnerable mental stability.” Sakura hated hearing him talk about her in this way. Like she was a skittish animal in need of saving. Even though it had been true for the most part. Hearing him talk like that about her made her feel naked even though she was wearing clothes.

She tried to reclaim her hand from his grasp, but he wouldn’t let her, and she didn’t have the strength to struggle, so she just went limp in his grip.

“Tsunade went on the diplomatic mission, deciding it was best that Kakashi, as someone you had been close to since your Genin days, should remain in the village just in case. I tried to get close to you, to draw you out somehow, but it became pretty clear to me that you were especially guarded around me. More guarded than around anyone else in fact. And it made me think that, on some level, you were afraid that I would figure out something. But I just couldn’t get through, and then, well, you were becoming a lot worse. You, well...you looked like you would collapse any second. And, Kakashi and I decided we needed to _do _something.” She looked at him and then realized.

The mission. The damn mission when she had forgotten her pills, and all this had started.

He gripped her hand almost painfully. Maybe he remembered something that made him angry.

“We shouldn’t have…” he paused as if the thought was too painful for him and started anew. “On the mission I noticed the trembling. And I knew immediately something was horribly wrong. I’ve seen it enough during the war. The withdrawal symptoms looked exactly like when shinobi were unable to obtain their medication in time. And when I realized that you…well, I became really worried. And after,” he paused and let out a shaky breath as if to collect himself. “And after that I decided to spy on you. When I saw you…” He stopped talking abruptly. He raised eyes from their clasped hands and looked at her, anger and…sadness evident in his eyes.

“You saw me take the sleeping pills.” she supplied tiredly, after he had stayed silent for too long.

“No Sakura, you almost killed yourself that night. If I hadn’t been there, you would have taken an overdose.” Sakura didn’t reply. She was scared to admit that it had almost come to that. But if she was being truthful, his observation wasn’t wrong. He scooted closer until they were almost touching. His hands reached for her face and touched her cheeks. He softly brushed his thumb across her skin, and he watched the motion for a while before looking at her eyes. The gesture was warm and affectionate.

“When I saw the pills, I was angry, and scared, and I knew I had to step in. I hated seeing you like that. I could see how you blamed yourself, and I wanted to help you, but I was unsure how to do it at first. I knew that the pills were just another symptom for a cause that was much deeper rooted.” He brushed some stray hairs behind her ear.

“Is that why you made me talk?” she looked at him then.

“Hmm. I realized just how wrong we had been to let you deal with it yourself. You blamed yourself for everything bad that happened, it was typical survivor’s guilt, but in an extreme way, and I knew it had something to do with Neji’s death. You kept a lot of details from that story to yourself, and no matter what I did you wouldn’t tell me. You would sometimes mumble his name in your sleep. And after today I know why you kept quiet.”

“You shouldn’t have-…That was a private conversation.”

“I know. I know that it was tactless and that it was private, but when it comes to you, I just can’t…stop myself. Even though I know that it’s wrong to pry into your business like that, I can’t help wanting to know everything about you.” Sakura deflated at that admission. She couldn’t really stay angry at him when he said it like _that_.

“How did you…?”

“I had a little help from someone else.” _Someone else_?

“What do you mean? Who?”

“Sai. He hid his mice close enough for them to hear. After all the covert missions in the last few weeks he became really good at hiding his…animals.”

“He knows?”

“He won’t tell.” And she knew this to be true. For all of Sai’s lack of social skills, he knew how to keep a secret.

“It was thanks to him that I understand now why you became the way you were after the war. Friendship has always meant something very special to you. You’ve always tried to fit in, first with Ino, then with Naruto and Sasuke. You’ve put your friends above and beyond, so much, that, when Neji died you blamed yourself. And Hinata blaming you in a moment of weakness made it even worse for you, because she was your friend and her opinion and words mean even more to you than that of a stranger.”

She looked away from him, the words hitting her right in the gut. He was right. She had blamed herself for Neji’s death. And something had died inside of her when Hinata had said those hateful words to her. She could feel tears form, but she refused to let them fall, and tried to blink them away.

“Everything that happened after…no matter how much it wasn’t your fault, it just made you blame yourself more. It was a dumb and unlucky coincidence when your team died.”

“No, they died because that shinobi had heard of my accomplishments, if I hadn’t-“

“And if Asuma hadn’t been part of the daimyo’s elite guard, maybe Hidan would have avoided fighting him. You can’t blame yourself for other people’s decisions or actions, Sakura. You can only take responsibility for your own actions. Your team died because a shinobi made a stupid and selfish decision. You fought hard, and you survived because of your experience, and your will to survive and maybe because you were just a little bit luckier in that moment than your subordinates.”

He slung an arm around her shoulders, and she let him tug her to his side. His hug felt comforting and reassuring. She looked up when she felt him wipe away some of her tears she hadn’t known were streaming down her cheeks.

She was so tired of crying.

“If we hadn’t been so preoccupied with ourselves…if we had just intervened a little bit earlier, it might have made things easier on you.”

“Is that why you started touching me? Why you did those…things with me? Because you wanted to help me? To heal me because I was broken?” Sakura was afraid of his answer. She didn’t want it to be true. She had fallen hard for him, and now she was afraid to hear that it was all for nothing.

“No. I like touching you. And more than anything, I hated the way you flinched away from me, because all I ever wanted was for you to like being close to me. I wanted you to like touching me, letting me touch you.” he brought her hand to his face and kissed her palm.

“The more time I spent with you I realized just how good we fit together. How much I like talking and spending time with you.” He brushed a finger along her jaw and tilted her head upwards, so that she had to meet his gaze. “Soon I realized how much I craved touching you, and that I didn’t want to stop.” He brushed his thumb over her lips, and they parted slightly, coaxed open by his touch. “And then I couldn’t stop touching you. Still can’t stop touching you whenever I’m with you.”

Her heart pounded in her chest. His eyes drifted lower, to watch his thumb’s movement. This close, she could see how his pupils dilated with desire, and felt a blush spread on her cheeks. “I love the way you blush for me when I touch you like this.” He lowered his head and gently brushed his lips over hers. Their lips barely touched before he retreated a few inches.

A warm feeling spread in her chest after hearing him say this. She raised her head and captured his lips in a kiss, and he eagerly met her moving lips. She felt her body respond to the kiss. But before the kiss could escalate, she put some distance between them, her breath slightly ragged. She had to be sure of his feelings, had to hear him voice it out loud. So, she gathered all her courage and asked him the question that had bothered her for so long.

“Shikamaru, are we a couple?” she waited, anticipation and dread alike filling her. The question made him blink in what seemed like confusion to her. It was a look she rarely saw on him.

“I thought that I made it obvious?”

“Well we never talked about it, and we never went on dates or anything like that before we…you know?”

“Mhhh. I’m afraid I don’t know Sakura. Maybe you should spell it out for me?” She blushed even harder, and she could see him smirking as he traced a finger over her cheeks and along her jaw.

“You’re an asshole.”

“You make it too easy Sakura. I love that about you. The way you react to me. The way about you being too embarrassed to talk about sex.”

“I love it when you blush, sometimes by my words, sometimes by the simplest of touches.” His fingers continued to caress her cheeks. “I love spending time with you. I never get tired of talking to you, because you challenge me in a way few people can in this village.” His lips softly met hers in a fluttering kiss. His eyes lingered on her, and finally captured her gaze, and she couldn’t avert her eyes, the emotions she found there too complex, too real for her to ignore. And in a way, she knew that he could see the same intensity of emotions in her eyes.

“Before I knew it, I started to crave your company, being near you. Touching you.”, he said while giving her close-mouthed kisses. His fingers danced over the sensitive skin of her neck towards the neckline of her shirt. “I love the way you become so needy and hot for my touch when I touch you like this.” His hand gripped her breast and she gasped out loud.

“And I love the way you become mindless with passion, the way you become crazy with want for my touch,” His hand moved to her hip and he suddenly lifted her so that she was sitting on his lap, “And I want to be the only one who ever sees you like this. I won’t share you with anyone else, and I won’t settle for anything less than a relationship with you.”

Finally, he kissed her passionately, his tongue slipping into her mouth to tease her and she met him eagerly, his words having spurred on her desire. He pressed her against him as his hands moved down her back to grasp the hem of her shirt and lift it above her head. She wasn’t wearing a bra, and his hands immediately roughly grasped her breasts, weighting them in his hands.

She frantically tore at his shirt and he helped her remove it before their mouths met again, their teeth briefly clattering together because of the roughness with which they pressed into each other. His hands clasped her butt and kneaded before tightly squeezing and tugging her towards him. She felt his hardness against her core and started to move against him, wetness beginning to accumulate between her legs.

She trailed her hands down his chest towards the abs on his stomach and felt his muscles clench tightly beneath her palms.

His hands moved beneath her loose pants and slipped them lower, and she helped him by briefly stopping the grinding against him. As soon as he had slipped them down enough to gain access, she pressed herself against him again. He groaned, into her mouth, and started kissing and sucking at her neck, as she gasped at the sensation of his covered hardness against her folds. His hand sneaked between her legs until he dipped a finger into her wetness, and she let out the breath she had held at the pleasurable tingle in her stomach.

His mouth travelled south until it was on her breast and she arched her back when his finger easily slipped into her wet entrance. He took one of her erected nipples into his mouth and sucked, and Sakura couldn’t help it when a whimper escaped her mouth. Small electrical shocks travelled down her body, straight down to her core making her twitch around his finger, her hips starting to move on their own accord.

He pushed in another finger and started to move them in and out at a slow pace, as his tongue teased her other nipple before taking it into his mouth and giving it the same treatment as its twin. Sakura felt overwhelmed as she moaned, the sensation of his fingers moving in and out of her and his mouth sucking on her nipple too much. Her hands grabbed his hair as she arched her back to push herself further into his mouth. She closed her eyes as she moved her hips up and down to meet his fingers.

He let go of her nipple, nudging the tip with his tongue one last time before his head tilted down so he could watch her move on his fingers. “Yeah, you’re so hot Sakura, riding my fingers like this.” She flushed but continued to meet his fingers, spurred on by his words, the desire making her frantic for release. His other hand tightly grabbed her ass, helping her raise her hips and he rewarded her efforts with a finger on her clit, rubbing it in slow circles, and she closed her eyes and arched her back even more. He added a third finger to her hole, and she felt a small moment of discomfort that was soon forgotten after he increased his rhythm on her clit.

She felt tension building, her hips moving at an even faster pace in search of her sweet release. “Shika…” she gasped, needing the release, and he captured her mouth, increasing the speed of his finger on her clit and his fingers inside her. She moaned into his mouth as she came, her wet hole clenching around his fingers, the movement on her clit stopping. She collapsed, her head on his shoulders, breath coming in short gasps.

“Kami, you’re perfect. I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” She shily looked at him and replied.

“You broke into my apartment after our mission, took away the bottle and pills and demanded that I become better. I guess the rest is history.” He chuckled, and she dropped her head on his shoulder, feeling wholly satisfied and exhausted after their love tryst. He lightly ran his fingers up and down her spine, and she nuzzled further into his neck. They sat there, embracing each other for some time until she realized what time it was.

“We should get ready for the party.” He groaned in dissatisfaction at her suggestion.

“Let’s just stay here. It’s comfortable and we don’t have to move.” She giggled at his laziness.

“Ino will be suspicious if both of us are missing. And she’ll pester us with questions for _days_, if not _weeks_ if we don’t show up.”

“Troublesome. I guess I have no choice but to go. You’ll be there too, right?”

“Mhh, I guess I should go, or else Ino will be on my ass.” She sighted then got up and grimaced at the feeling of his dry come on her skin.

“I’ll have a shower at my apartment, I need to go there anyway for a change of clothes. I’ll see you later at the _Green Valley_?” he quickly kissed her on her lips after she nodded in ascent, then quickly put on his clothes and left through the balcony door.

She was glad she had some time to think over what had happened today. Her friends had known all along. And they put their heads together and helped her. Naruto’s words now made even more sense. The way he told her she mattered and the way he talked about how he wanted her safe. That dumb idiot. No, she was an idiot for thinking they wouldn’t notice.

She thought about the way Kakashi had tried to help Shikamaru uncover her secrets, how he had sent her on that dreaded mission so that they could make her talk.

She remembered, really remembered all the times her friends asked her out and she had declined, saying she was busy with work, or that she was too tired after her shifts. She really had been the worst friend to them. The way she had avoided everyone, ignored their efforts of including her in their activities.

And now, because of them she had found love. Or the beginnings of love anyway. She would have never thought that she could be privy to this part of life, that she would have a chance at a relationship that might, possibly, slightly have a chance of becoming serious. And for the first time she thought that the future of having children wasn’t totally out of reach for her. That she might have a chance of having her own proper family.

She could see now that there was hope. That she could be part of that hope. And if she wanted to grasp that hope, she would have to put in her own effort and extend her own hands instead of waiting for the situation to change by itself. Maybe, in a few days, she might even have a talk with her mentor about the mental ward.

But now she had to do something else first. After all, it was all thanks to her friends that she was on the way to healing her mind and her soul. And she needed to apologize for all the trouble she had caused them. And thank them for all their efforts. Maybe the party tonight could be a step towards that goal.

She squared her shoulders and made up her mind. Today might have been emotionally straining, but she felt better. She felt like she had accomplished something enormous, like she had finally climbed the highest mountain and arrived at the peak. And now, all that was left was taking in her surroundings, the beautiful view, taking one last small respite before taking on the challenge of climbing back down.

There might be some more pitfalls and slides waiting for her on the way back. But somehow, the thought of that seemed a lot less daunting now with the support of her friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be the epilogue and a short insight into Shikamaru's perspective in the end.


	13. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it, the last chapters are going up today. Thank you all for your support and your comments, they helped keeping me motivated! This chapter, again, contains explicit sexual content. You have been warned.  
Enjoy :)

After taking a quick shower, she used her expensive Sakura leaf scented body lotion, which Ino had gifted her on her birthday as a joke. Then she took out the red dress and tried it on. It had quite a generous cut, showing off quite a bit of her breasts that were pushed up alluringly by the pushup bra she was wearing. Ino had told her she had to dress in a slutty way, so she thought it was okay to show off a little bit more than usual.

Sakura had gained back some of her weight in the last few weeks, because she had eaten regular meals again, but she had yet to reach the same weight she had half a year ago when she had bought the dress. It still felt a little bit loose around the hip and bust area, but she could deal with that.

The dress was quite short, so that she decided to wear black tights just to feel a little bit more secure, as they would provide one more layer of protection in case she accidently flashed someone. She decided that she would wear simple black high heels, that would go with any dress really, but she didn’t own any other high heels anyway. She quickly put on some light make up, then put on the shoes, grabbed a purse and then made her way towards the _Green Valley_.

She met only a few people on the way, but the ones she met had dressed up just like her, some less provocatively, but in the end, she didn’t feel too out of place. Her heels clacked loudly on the ground, the night air felt cool on her face and she was glad that she had put on a jacket before leaving. After a few minutes of walking, she could detect the delicious smell of grilled meat, and as she approached, she could also detect faint whiffs of other spices and aromas. She was feeling quite hungry and was looking forward to the small dishes they would surely order later in the bar.

She finally reached the entrance of the bar and saw Ino and Tenten already waiting in front of it. Ino was wearing a black tight dress that hugged her curves just the right way and barely covered her ass, and Tenten was wearing a green dress that showcased her hips and breasts sensually without showing too much skin that would surely make Lee drool. They were dressed to impress, and it was obvious.

“Sakura hey, long time no see. How have you been?” Tenten greeted Sakura with a hug that she returned enthusiastically, and then smiled at her two friends.

“I’ve been well, you guys look great. I’m sure Sai and Lee won’t be able to keep their hands to themselves.”

“You’re not looking too bad yourself, trying to catch the eye of someone special?”, Tenten teased Sakura, and she blushed knowing that the jacket hid her generous cleavage that her friends had yet to see.

“Sakura has a secret lover, but she won’t tell me who it is.” Ino told Tenten in a conspiratorial voice.

“Oho, maybe we should get her sloshed, so she’ll talk.” Tenten said with a sly glint in her eyes. Sakura felt horrified at the prospect of these two women ganging up on her, when she saw them trade evil smiles.

Before the situation could escalate in a dangerous way, Kiba and Shino arrived, the former surprisingly without Akamaru. After a short greeting she asked him about it and Kiba told her that Akamaru didn’t like all the strong smells and noises in the bar and that he was too big anyway to fit in the small place, so he left him at home with his sister. Shino, as always, was quiet, only occasionally participating in the conversation, but he didn’t look dissatisfied by that at all.

They talked for a few minutes until Naruto arrived, loudly announcing himself and dragging two disgruntled figures behind him that turned out to be a scowling Sasuke and a frowning Shikamaru. Behind them, an amused Choji walked leisurely, his two hands pushed into his pants.

The four of them were wearing matching outfits, something she thought must have been Naruto’s idea, and the reason why Sasuke and Shikamaru were looking so disgruntled. They were wearing dark black suits with white button-down shirt that made them look quite fetching. Shikamaru in particular looked extremely handsome, the suit in combination with his slouched posture giving him a roguish look. The matching outfit coupled with the disgruntled expressions made them look like gangsters out for no good. Sakura and the girls started laughing hysterically, with Kiba and Shino joining in after a delay of a few seconds. Sasuke’s scowl deepened even further, and he hit Naruto over the back of his head.

“You idiot, I told you this was a bad idea. But you never listen.”

“Ehh, Sasuke what do you mean? It looks great, just ask Sakura, she’ll tell you how much she likes it.” Naruto turned to Sakura, who was still wiping at the corners of her eyes. She tried to keep a straight face, but didn’t succeed and started laughing again after a few seconds, the others joining in.

“Sorry, sorry, it’s just, Sasuke and Shikamaru looked so annoyed, it was too funny. You guys look great.” Sasuke seemed appeased as he stood next to Sakura and bumped his shoulder against hers affectionately in a greeting, while glaring at Shikamaru for no apparent reason. She looked at them questioningly, but Shikamaru looked unbothered and started to talk with Ino and Tenten. What was all that about?

Lee and Sai were the last to arrive, walking together and talking in hushed whispers before falling silent when they reached the group, greeting everyone. They were wearing casual clothes, with jeans and a normal shirt on top. Even Sai, who usually showed off his stomach by wearing a crop top, was wearing a normal shirt. At first she felt a little uncomfortable at the sight of her teammate, who knew about the incident surrounding Hinata’s and Neji’s death, but Shikamaru had told her he wouldn’t tell a soul, and when he greeted her with a nod like usual she exhaled in relief.

She did enjoy the moment Sai and Lee set eyes on their respective girlfriends and smirked when their eyes almost fell out of their heads. Was that a beginning of a blush on Sai’s face? Lee, on the other hand, had turned as red as a tomato.

They all headed inside and were led towards two tables in the corner that were right next to each other. Because the inside was quite hot, Sakura took off her jacket, and slid in next to Naruto, with Ino right next to her, and Shikamaru, Sasuke, and Choji opposite them. For a moment, she could feel a hot gaze on her, and when she looked up from the menu, she saw Shikamaru stare at her cleavage and then at her face before tilting his head towards Choji who had asked him a question. Sakura blushed and tried to distract herself by asking Ino about what she was ordering.

They put their heads together, then decided to share some fast food dishes that everyone would like. They ordered their food and the men each ordered a beer whereas Ino ordered two Martinis for Sakura and herself.

The drinks arrived first, and everyone raised their glasses when Kiba exclaimed loudly: “To Hinata and Neji. Two friends we will never forget, who fought and died on the battlefield protecting the people and village they loved!” Sakura tried not show the flinch at the mention of the battlefield. Hinata didn’t die on the battlefield. She had been killed by a comrade instead in an unfortunate accident. But no one else had to know. And she doubted that the people present would mind either way.

But to protect her friends from this harsh truth, she would keep this secret for herself.

“To Hinata and Neji!” she repeated at the same time as the others. This would be one of many toasts tonight, she knew.

The food arrived shortly after, and Sakura dug in. She listened to the conversation around her, comfortable with just listening to the conversations, and occasionally stealing a glance at Shikamaru. She could feel his gaze on her when she wasn’t looking, and it sent delicious shivers down her spine and made the tiny hairs on her arms stand up.

“Naruto! I have to say, I love the matching suits! It is quite the youthful look!”, said Lee while giving Naruto a thumbs up. Naruto, who was on his second beer already (and when exactly had that happened?) gave him a big grin and answered in a boisterous voice.

“Lee! Thank you! At least someone appreciates my genius ideas, unlike this asshole right here, who only complains all the time.”

“I can show you exactly where you can shove your so-called genius ideas!” Sakura almost choked on her Martini at the very vivid memory that surged into her mind. She tried to dispel it but didn’t succeed completely. When she looked up to see if anyone had seen her slip up, she saw Shikamaru smirking at her with raised eyebrows, amusement clear in his eyes.

“Everything alright, Sakura?”, he asked her, and she blushed when the attention turned to her.

“Yeah, yeah, the martini just went down the wrong pipe.” She cleared her throat to make a point and everyone’s attention drifted elsewhere again.

Sakura was sipping happily on her second martini, talking animatedly about a time when Hinata, Sakura, and Ino had gone on a courier mission, and the recipient had madly fallen in love with her, showering her with gifts and love letters. Hinata had blushed and stuttered, which had made him fall in love with her even more. Sakura and Ino, having seen her discomfort, had escaped with her in tow, but they had teased the girl endlessly. Neji had looked so furious after hearing about the lovesick fool, he had almost gone and taught him a lesson, but Hinata had stopped him before he could commit a serious crime.

Sakura’s heart still twinged in pain at the mention of these bittersweet memories of her friends, but she knew that if she wanted to honor her and Neji’s sacrifice, she would have to keep on living and preserve their memory. Sakura enjoyed being with her friends and reminiscing about old times. Over the course of the evening, Naruto had slung his arm over her shoulders like he used to do before the war, while he talked animatedly and regaled Sasuke and Shikamaru with his heroic pranking stories.

Sakura was really glad she did not work in the tower.

Over the course of the evening, Ino and Tenten were relentless in their pursuit of knowledge, aka Sakura’s secret lover. Sakura knew that the more she drank, the looser her tongue would be, so she had to come up with something to distract them both.

“Come on Sakura, give us something. What color is his hair? Is he a Jounin?” Tenten kept asking her but she wouldn’t tell.

“Is he hot?” Ino asked and Sakura couldn’t keep a blush from appearing on her face. The conversation had garnered the attention of the people sitting around, everyone looking very interested in her personal life. She saw Shikamaru hiding a smirk by taking a sip of beer.

“Ohhh, so he’s hot, is he?” Ino persisted but was interrupted by Naruto before she could go on with her interrogation.

“Eh, what’s going on, Sakura you’re dating someone?” Sakura couldn’t believe her luck. Naruto had just given her the perfect opening, and she would seize it.

“You’re one to talk, Naruto, you’ve been awfully cozy with Sasuke as of late, haven’t you?” He looked at her in confusion but Ino had already taken the bait.

“Ohoho. What’s this? Sakura, you didn’t tell me these two were dating?”

“Oh, I think it’s a recent thing.” Sakura smiled evilly as Ino leaned over her to get closer to Naruto, and she leaned back to give her some space.

“What?! No! As if I would ever date this asshole! He’s too moody all the time, and keeps insulting me, and…and... Sakura, I’ve told you this already!” Naruto complained turning towards Sakura with a puppy-dog expression. But she just shrugged her shoulders. She would do anything to get Ino off her case. If she had to sacrifice Naruto for it, she would do it. Without even blinking.

“Wow, it must be true by the vehement denying that is obviously going on here. How long has this been going on Naruto? How did it start? Tell. Me. Everything.” Sakura couldn’t hold it back anymore, she laughed out loud at the lost expression on Naruto, and the pissed off expression on Sasuke’s face.

Everyone else started to laugh. And then the teasing began.

“Well he did chase Sasuke to the end of the world.” Tenten said.

“Like a hopeless person, never giving up on the person he loves.” Kiba added.

“What a youthful couple, I wish you all the best in your youthful love!” Lee cheered them on. Choji, Ino, Shikamaru and Sakura couldn’t stop laughing, and soon everyone joined in, even Naruto and Sasuke, if a bit reluctantly, joined in after a few moments.

“Putting it like that, I can see it now. I guess it was just impossible to satisfy a woman with that small dick of yours, so you had no choice but to consider…alternative options. Good for you.” Sai said with a matter of fact expression on his face. Sakura almost spit out her drink at that. Ino, caught off guard by her boyfriend’s dry humor, couldn’t hold it in and spewed her drink all over the table, to the amusement of everyone present. Sai, the ever-attentive partner, handed her a napkin, which she accepted thankfully.

Naruto looked affronted, and was about to vehemently object when he was interrupted. “Thinking about it, he never stood a chance with Hinata. Why? Neji would have killed him before they could have eloped. Sasuke’s the only natural choice.” Shino added, making everyone laugh even harder at Naruto’s face after he realized that that was indeed true.

“Yeah you two should make it official!” Choji added.

“It’s already a well-known fact in the tower. Everyone’s only waiting for them to announce their relationship so that we all can just move on with other more important things.”, chimed in Shikamaru, winking at Sakura when nobody was looking. Sakura smiled in return.

Naruto grumbled about stupid friends, and Sasuke seemed to completely agree with Naruto for once.

The teasing continued for some time and Sakura switched to water, even though she wasn’t working the next day. She didn’t want to become completely sloshed, and even though Ino and Tenten tried very hard to convince her of the greatness of mojitos, she didn’t give in.

After another hour talking and laughing, the gathering slowly broke up. Ino and Sai left first, followed by Naruto and Sasuke, who, interestingly enough, left together in the same direction. Slowly, the others decided to leave as well, and they headed outside. Sakura put her jacket on, but didn’t close the zipper as she still felt quite warm from spending hours inside the pub. Her friends said their goodbyes, the others leaving into the opposite direction, leaving only Shikamaru and her to walk the same way.

There were quite a few shinobi and civilians about in the food district, some mingling outside the restaurants for a quick smoke and engaging in conversations with the person next to them, others were walking home, their steps heavy and wobbly from having had too much to drink.

“So, tonight was fun, having everyone in one place, talking about old times.” Sakura said to break the silence. Shikamaru had had a pensive look on his face since they had left the restaurant, and Sakura was wondering about what he was thinking about.

“Yeah.” He smiled at her, and then grabbed her hand and entwined their fingers. They walked in silence for a bit before he decided to speak hesitantly.

“Do you want to stay at mine for a change? You’ve never been to my apartment and I really want to spend some more time with you.” She felt like he was asking something else, and the slight blush that had appeared on his cheeks when she tilted her head so she could see his face seemed to support her assumption. He didn’t look at her, his head facing the street ahead. She found it cute how he could be so nervous about something like that even though they had technically spent the night together already, even if it was at her apartment. Still, she suddenly felt nervous and giddy as well when she answered his question.

“Yes, I’d love to spend the night at yours.” He sighed in relief, and she giggled after seeing this new side of him.

He turned around to face her and cradled her face in his hands as he lifted her head so that she could meet him halfway for a kiss. He smiled at her, then pecked her continuously on her lips, as if he was unwilling to part from her.

They walked for a few minutes until they finally arrived at an apartment complex near the Nara compound. It was located a few streets away from her apartment at the end of the street, the back facing the forest, giving it a more secluded feeling overall. He tugged her towards a door at the ground floor and held open the door so she could step into the apartment. She wasn’t surprised in the least that it was located on the ground floor. Shikamaru hated expending more energy than necessary, and the ground floor meant no stairs.

She could see why he was reluctant to leave this behind and move back in with his mother. Although the kitchen was on the smaller side, the living room was generously spacious, with only little furniture that were placed strategically so that the space seemed bigger overall. He kept the tones earthy, which gave off a calm and serene feeling that she often associated with the forest. The balcony wasn’t so much a balcony, but an open patio that led into the forest.

Shikamaru hugged her from behind and kissed her neck. “Do you like it?” He asked, a trace of the earlier nervousness still evident in his voice.

“Mhhh. I like it very much.”, she said and turned around in his arms and lifted her head, so he could capture her lips, his hands at the side of her face guiding her upwards. The kiss was slow, their lips moving sensually, before he coaxed her mouth open with his tongue. His hands moved down and helped her shrug out of her jacket and she let it fall to the ground. He paused to take a look at her.

“You look absolutely stunning tonight, Sakura.”. She blushed at his bluntness, and he smirked, then he kissed her again, pressing her against him and leading her backwards until her back met a wall. Her hands tangled into his hair to remove the hairband, the ornament in the shape of his clan-symbol clattering onto the floor loudly. His tongue licked over her bottom lip, coaxing her mouth open, and she complied without hesitation. The kiss quickly became more demanding, and she felt him shrug out of his blazer before he pressed her against the wall again.

His hand traveled down her side and to her left thigh, lifting it up to hook around his hip. The motion made her dress slip further up, but she didn’t care, too lost in the heat of the kiss. He pressed himself harder against her, slowly grinding his hips, and she could feel his hardness pressing against her. She gasped at the sensation of his hard member rocking against her and felt wetness gather between her thighs.

“I’ve wanted to do this since the moment I saw you.”, he said, while slipping his hand back towards her ass, beneath the hem of her skirt, and then suddenly lifted her up. She hooked her other leg around his hips for better hold. His mouth sucked on her neck, and she knew that tomorrow she would find a hickey there, but she couldn’t muster any complaints, as the sensation was more than pleasurable. She grinded her hips against his hardness, and he groaned and pressed her harder against the wall, his hands hooking themselves under the straps of her dress and pulling them down, exposing her bra.

“And I wanted to do this since you took of your jacket.” He pulled down her cups her bra and kissed along her breast along her nipple, barely grazing it, and instead sucking on the sensitive skin around it. She curved her back so that her chest protruded in what she hoped was inviting enough for him to stop teasing her. But he didn’t relent, his tongue only teasing the spot he had just sucked on.

“Shikamaru…please!” she moaned, desperate for him to take her nipple into his mouth.

“Tell me what you want Sakura.” He squeezed her other breast with his hand, and she rocked her hips in return. She felt herself go frantic with desire, her panties already soaked through. She felt herself becoming lost in the sensations that ran through her body, shame and embarrassment the furthest things on her mind when she complied with his demand.

“Suck on it. Please!” He complied with a groan, sucking the tight nub hungrily into his mouth. Hot liquid fire ran through her body until it gathered in her womb as she gasped in delight. She clenched her thighs around his hip tightly when his teeth grazed it and moved her hips upwards so that her core grazed at his hardness. He grunted and, to her disappointment, his mouth left her breast and moved up to her neck kissing and sucking until he reached her ear, his teeth lightly grazing it as he whispered to her.

“You’re so hot like this Sakura. You don’t know how much I want to take you like this.” He pressed his forehead to hers, and when she opened her eyes, she could see him watching her as his hips bucked and she couldn’t hold back a moan. “Come on, let’s take this to bed.” His mouth descended on her as he carried her towards his bedroom, and she toed off her shoes along the way.

He lowered her on the bed and then stood back up so he could take off his button-down shirt and pants, while she unclasped her bra and threw it away somewhere to the side. Then he was on her, his tongue invading her mouth trying to dominate her while his hands slipped under her dress so he could gain access to her tights. He took them off along with her panties, and then she wrapped her legs around his waist, rolling her hips to meet his in a desperate need for friction.

He opened the zipper at the side of her dress slowly while he trailed kisses down her neck, and she helped him tug it off. Now that the fabric was out of the way, his mouth immediately latched on her nipple and she groaned, her hand sneaking down between her legs in search of her sensitive nub, the need for release too great to wait any longer.

“Let me.”, he said as he pushed away her fingers and slipped them between her legs, his fingers slowly dipping into the wetness. His mouth continued to suck on her breasts, and she bucked her hips while she slipped her fingers through his hair. His finger slowly traced around her hole until he inserted two fingers into her hot cavern moving them in and out as Sakura gasped in pleasure. “Shikamaru!”, she gasped, while her hands travelled down his back to urge him on and grasped at him tightly.

He captured her mouth, and she twitched uncomfortably when he inserted another one until his thumb circled her clit sending small charges to her womb. He slowly slipped his fingers in and out, and she gradually became more accustomed to the fullness. He angled his fingers in a different way, and she opened her eyes in shock at the pleasurable waves that came crashing down, her hole clenching tightly around his fingers. “Yeah that’s it, Sakura, come for me.”

His fingers slowed their movements as her body came down from her high. He withdrew his fingers so he could shove down his boxers and repositioned himself between her legs, rubbing his cock along her drenched lips before guiding it towards her opening. He lied on top of her his weight held up only by his elbows that he had placed next to her head. Her hands moved up his back to find purchase in his hair, and she tugged at them and lifted her torso from the bed so she could meet him halfway.

The kiss this time was gentle and unhurried, as he pressed her back into the bed. She sucked in a breath when she felt the tip of his cock touch her opening, and he used this opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth as he slowly pushed himself inside her, inch by inch.

Sakura felt a sudden pain flare up and he stopped his advance after seeing her flinch. His hand sneaked back between them and started to rub at her clit and as the pain slowly ebbed away, she once again started to relax into his touch.

“Better?” he asked, and she nodded. He slowly started to move his hips and continued his advance, and when the pain didn’t flare up like last time, she let out a relieved breath. She could see that it took everything out of him not to completely penetrate her in one go, going by his tense expression and his labored breathing.

Finally, he had completely buried himself inside of her, and he trailed kissed down her cheek and back up towards her mouth to capture her lips in a searing kiss. Slowly, achingly slowly, he retreated and then slid back in. The fullness didn’t feel painful anymore, the sensation too foreign to her to feel pleasurable just yet. Shikamaru let out a short groan, his eyes closing.

“Fuck, you’re tight, you feel so good Sakura.”, he whispered against her lips and she gasped when this time he hit a spot that sent a tingly sensation through her. He started a slow rhythm, his breath fanning against her face as he pushed into her deeper, hitting that sweet spot that made her arche her back. His fingers between them resumed circling her clit and she felt herself clench involuntarily around him as the tightness in her belly once again started to build up. He changed the angle of his thrust, hitting a particularly sensitive spot inside of her, and she opened her eyes in surprise at the pleasure that cursed through her body.

“You like that?” Shikamaru asked her, slowly retreating his length and then driving it back into her, hitting the same spot with more force. This time she couldn’t hold back as she moaned at the feeling of him moving inside and hitting that spot. “Yes!” He continued the slow rhythm, gliding his length in and out of her tight wet hole. She met his thrust with her hips, and he groaned at her eagerness, his other hand travelling down and taking hold of her ass as he pushed inside her. His weight was now completely on top of her, but she was too far gone to care, the sensations starting to overwhelm her completely.

“You’re so hot, Sakura.” He mumbled into her neck, “So perfect for me.” His movement became more and more frantic, his hand between them now furiously rubbing her clit.

“Shikamaru!” she bucked up into his touch as she moaned his name, her breath coming in short gasps as she clenched tightly around his length, the tightness inside of her finally releasing itself as waves of pleasure cursed through her body.

“Sakura!”, he pushed hard inside her a few times, until finally stopping his movement and then collapsing above her. He was breathing raggedly, his body comforting weight on top of her. Her arms moved on their own, seeking out his warmth, traveling up his back in a caressing gesture. After what felt like hours but what must have been mere seconds of afterglow, he moved his weight onto his elbows next to her face, so that he could look down at her.

For a moment, he just looked at her, at her eyes, her nose, her lips, then back up at her eyes, the intensity of his stare making her stomach flutter. He kissed the tip of her nose affectionately and then gave her a soft peck on the mouth, their lips touching only briefly, and then moved to lie on his side next to her, his hand lazily drawing on the skin of her stomach, between her breasts, on her collarbone, then returning down her body to resume the caressing from the beginning. She captured his hand and intertwined their fingers and looked at him from the side. He had a satisfied smile on his face, his eyes half closed.

“How are you feeling?” he asked her with slight worry in his tone that made a warm sensation spread in her chest. She smiled at him.

“I feel amazing. I can see why people like this so much.” She smiled wickedly at him and he chuckled and moved to give her a peck on her cheek

“Well if you like it that much, I guess I have no choice but to indulge you. A lot.” She giggled and he kissed her again, still smiling. She felt giddy and satisfied. And happy. The her from a few weeks ago would have never been able to imagine that she could have this happiness. That she would find a boyfriend, someone who understood her and stood by her no matter what situation. And Shikamaru had proven all too well that he could do that.

Lying next to Shikamaru, exchanging banter like this, it felt…domestic. It was something that she had wished for a long time but was afraid would never come true for her.

She was grateful that Shikamaru had been the one that was there for her. She didn’t want to think about what would have happened if he hadn’t intervened that time after the mission. She turned around so that she was lying on her side as well, facing him, their hands still intertwined between them. She kissed him then, their lips connecting in a long and slow kiss. He rolled them over so that she was lying halfway on top of him and slung his free arm over her back, holding her in place.

“Something on your mind?”

“Mhhh. Just happy. I don’t think I’ve ever seriously thanked you for what you’ve done for me. I’m glad it was you Shikamaru.” She smiled at him, her lips still tingling from the kiss they shared. “I really like…being together with you like this.” she corrected herself in the last moment, putting her head on his chest so she could hide the red tinge in her cheeks.

“Mhm, I like being with you like this too.” He said cheekily, full well knowing that she was blushing even more after hearing his words. “You know, I don’t have to work tomorrow.” He said, his fingers caressing her shoulders. She lifted her head to look at him.

“Oh?”

“We could do something together.” Her heart skipped a beat at that.

“Oh?”

“Hmm. I was thinking of taking a walk. There’s a beautiful place hidden in the woods just a few minutes from here that no one but me knows about.”

“Oh?”

“And it’s perfect for cloud watching. It’s my favorite place for relaxing.” She felt touched at being invited to his favorite place. She knew how much he liked his privacy, and how much it meant having a place where he could hide away from the world. She knew it was a big deal being invited to that place,

She leaned on her arm and looked at him from above. He gently caressed her back. She smiled at him. “I’d love to see this place of yours.” She lowered her head and kissed him. 

Sakura lied down and closed her eyes, and as sleep took over her, she distantly thought that she wasn’t afraid to fall asleep and that she was finally looking forward to tomorrow, to see what it had in store for her.


	14. Omake

Shikamaru woke up to pounding on his door. He felt Sakura burrow more tightly against him, her legs that were entangled with his rubbed against his own as they tried to find a more comfortable position. He heard her mumble something unintelligible and smiled at her cuteness. His hand moved towards her back and started to caress her soft skin. He just couldn’t get enough of her. He loved touching her, feeling her soft skin beneath his palms, the soft exhale of her breath as she pressed herself against him more firmly.

For a moment he forgot the pounding on his door, remembering their passionate lovemaking from last night, her mouth so perfectly pliable and inviting, her cheeks flushed a beautiful red as he slid against her, a small sheen of sweat on their skins as they moved in tandem…

The pounding continued and he heard Sakura groan. “Whosit?” she mumbled sleepily, her voice muffled from sleep. Shikamaru sighed as he contemplated his options. He could ignore the pounding and continue his thoughts from before and hope the intruder would take the hint and maybe come back later.

“Shikamaru! Open the fucking door! I know you’re in there.” Shikamaru sighed as he immediately discarded that option after hearing who it was. “Tsk, troublesome.” Ino would much rather kick in his door than leave when she was in a mood, and it seemed Sai had finally made a move yesterday. It was about time, still, he would have appreciated a warning ahead of time.

“It’s Ino, I’ll go get it. Just stay here and sleep some more.” Shikamaru placed a kiss on her forehead and saw her burrow deeper in the covers with an “Mhkay”. With a regrettable sigh he climbed out of his bed and put on some loose pants and a tank top. Slowly he made his way towards the door and opened it to see Ino with a raised arm that was about to inflict some more damage to his poor door. He ran his hand through his hair and looked at her sleepily.

“What?” Shikamaru knew he was a man of few words, but he couldn’t be bothered to put in more effort so early in the morning. Ino, who was clearly used to his morning grumpiness, ignored him and charged into his apartment as if she owned it. Shikamaru sighed in exasperation at his teammate’s forcefulness and shoved the door closed with a practiced swing and followed closely behind her into his living room. He was infinitely relieved that he had remembered to close the door to his bedroom before opening his front door. Ino was very noisy when she wanted to be, but she wouldn’t dare invade his privacy in such a daring way.

“Sakura’s not home right now, she’s probably with her mystery lover- “, Shikamaru tried hard not to react to that, “and so I came here instead. Guess what happened last night?”. He knew that she was giddy with happiness, with the way her expression was bursting with excitement, and the way she kept on moving about as if she was too full of energy to just stand still on one spot. He arched an eyebrow he hoped looked like it was in question. He didn’t have the energy to react in a more enthusiastic way, and anyway, he had long suspected about Sai’s intentions before. So, the ring that he knew now adorned Ino’s left hand came, in no way, as a surprise to him.

“What happened that made you come by at- “, Shikamaru paused and looked at the clock that hung in his kitchen and almost groaned out loud when he saw the time, “six o’clock in the morning?”, he said in his most _really-Ino-was-that-really-necessary-_voice.

She pouted at his answer.

“You’re supposed to guess Shika! Ah, whatever, I should have known that you would be this way. Anyway, you know how I was so worried about Sai cheating on me for the last few weeks?”, she started to explain, and he remembered how anxious and sad his teammate and best friend from his toddler years had been, and how she had tried to forget all about it by putting on a fake cheery smile. It hadn’t worked, and Shikamaru had almost gone up to Sai and made him spill his beans if it hadn’t been for Sakura and her revelation about the incident over six months ago. After that, he had been sure that Sai had been planning this for quite some time and was only waiting for the perfect moment to pop the question.

“Well, I was totally wrong actually, it looks like he was planning this whole romantic thing that I won’t bother to tell you about because you won’t be interested in it, but…well…he asked me to marry him and I said yes!”, she blushed and held up her left hand, on which a small elegant silver ring now adorned her ring finger. Shikamaru smiled at the obvious happy grin that now lighted up his best friend’s face.

“Congrats Ino. You deserve to be happy.”

“Thank you Shika. I know it’s been hard for you knowing that Sakura is dating this mystery man-“Shikamaru straightened involuntarily because he knew that Sakura must have woken up fully by now and been listening to their conversation.

“Wait In- “, but she just talked over him as if he never said anything.

“But don’t worry, I’m sure it’s just a rebound and that you’ll get your chance to get the girl you’ve been in love with for so long!”, she finished cheerily, and Shikamaru sighed in defeat and hung his head.

“Thanks a lot, Ino.”, he said dejectedly, but she must have thought it was because he was depressed over Sakura’s affair with another man because she patted his shoulder in comfort.

“I have to go now and tell Choji, and then go search for Sakura, so see you!” And like the whirlwind she was, Ino disappeared leaving a slightly panicking Shikamaru behind.

“What a drag.”, he ruffled through his hair once again trying to collect his thoughts and emotions, and then entered his bedroom, his sight immediately moving to the covered bundle on his bed. A bundle that was suspiciously unmoving in a way that could otherwise be interpreted as someone being asleep, if it weren’t for the irregular breathing he could clearly discern by the miniscule movement of the covers. He sighed. This was not how he had wanted his feelings to be revealed.

He took off his shirt and pants, leaving him only in his boxers, and slipped in behind her, draping an arm over her side and kissing her shoulder. She snuggled back into him and lazily greeted him with a “Hey, is she gone already?”. His hand slipped up her stomach towards the soft mounds and grasped one, kneading it and marveling at the fullness that fitted so perfectly into his hand. He could feel her nipple tightening beneath his palm and rubbed the peak with his palm.

“Mhhh, we’re all alone.” He traced a path up her neck with his tongue, as he took in her flowery scent that reminded him of the small meadow, his favorite hiding place within the forest, a small clearing with a green patch of grass that was perfect for lying down and watching some clouds. He didn’t think she knew how delectably delicious she smelled, or how much he loved it when her breath hitched whenever he mouthed at the sensitive skin of her neck.

But he did love it. Very much indeed. Because for a very long time, all the reactions he elicited from her were either a flinch, a tired sigh or a smile that looked more like a grimace most of the time. So whenever she would sigh or blush, or smile, or do anything really that resembled a positive emotion, he soaked it up like a sponge. Sometimes, he thought he should be afraid of how utterly under her spell he was, but then again, he didn’t want to have it any other way.

She turned around in his arms, so she was lying on her back and he was on his side, and kissed him, her tongue hesitantly tracing his lips and coaxing them open. He closed his eyes as he enjoyed the feel of her body against his, and he could feel his cock stirring to life. Before his hand could move between her legs, she shifted them around so that she was straddling him, her eyes half lidded with desire and a wicked smile on her lips as she slowly rolled her hips over his hard length.

He groaned at the sensation his hips bucking, trying desperately to create more friction between them. His hands moved to her hips and gripped her skin tightly, guiding her hips over his length. He could feel the wetness between her thighs and imagined how it would feel, being buried in her tight heat as she rode him to completion. He almost came just from the image. His right hand moved towards her core and slipped into her folds in search of the small bundle of nerves.

She gasped in pleasure when he brushed over it, and he could see her thigh muscles tightening slightly at the sensation he brought forth. So naturally, he repeated the motion, and she stopped all movement of her hips in favor of arching her back and letting out a breathless moan as a reward. She pushed her breasts into the air, her nipples begging for attention.

He pushed his torso up, ignoring the strain it put on his stomach muscles, and sucked one of the tight buds into his mouth. Shikamaru loved her breasts, loved sucking on her nipple simply because of the way it made her frantic with desire. The way it made her hips buck against his length, and the way it made her moan without restraint. Every time he did this, he wondered if he could make her orgasm just from sucking on her breasts. He vowed to try it out later. Maybe when they were alone in the clearing…

“Shika…”, he heard her whisper in a breathy sigh, and he almost came right then and there. His crotch had become uncomfortably tight, and he wanted to bury himself inside of her so bad, he visible tightened his muscles in his arms trying to restrain himself from going too fast. Something that has become the norm in the last few days whenever he touched her.

She seemed to have gotten the same idea though, as she grasped his length within her hands, and raised her hips. He helped her by lifting her up by her ass, and finally, he felt himself being enveloped by her tight wet heat. Inch by inch she lowered herself on him, and he hissed in pleasure into her chest, her nipple already forgotten as she sunk down on his hard length.

“Sakura.” He looked at her face then, at the red tinge on her cheeks, her eyes that were closed as she focused entirely on the sensation of their joined bodies, and her mouth, open slightly, short gasps leaving those puckered lips. She looked so damn beautiful. He wanted to kiss her. Sometimes, he never wanted to stop kissing her.

“Yeah, baby, you’re doing so well.”, he murmured encouragement at her, and he saw how the blush on her cheeks deepened in color. He loved making her blush even deeper. It was one of the reasons he talked to her like this during sex. He had never been vocal during sex, sometimes grunting and moaning, but never talking dirty to the girls that shared the same bed with him. But with Sakura, it was different. He loved seeing her flustered. But what he loved even more was the way she reacted to his words, when her motions become more frantic, her eyes darkening even more with the growing passion. He knew she secretly loved it when he talked to her like that. And he would do anything for her if it meant making her happy.

He pushed himself upwards while she slid down on him, and finally, he was buried to the hilt in her. She was tight and hot, and he had to keep a tight control over himself to not come inside her just yet. He wanted to see her come first. Wanted to see her moan in abandon, throwing away all propriety that has been drilled into her since she was a child. He wanted to see her come undone.

He gave her an open-mouthed kiss then, and she responded eagerly, her hips moving upwards, her hole delectably clenching his cock. He helped her raise her hips, lifting her up, and meeting her hallway when she sank down on him again. He groaned with every thrust and she moaned into his mouth as he hit that spot inside of her.

He wouldn’t last long. He never did with her. She had a way of making him lose all control and calm. One of his hands moved between her legs, the other moved to grasp on of her breast, rubbing a nipple between his forefinger and thumb, while his other thumb circled her clit. She increased the speed and met each of his thrusts with eagerness, her hole clenching delectably around his length.

“Shikamaru, please!”, she pleaded as she arched her back in pleasure, and he groaned, leaning his head on her shoulder.

“Yeah, Sakura, come for me.” He pinched her clit with just enough pressure, and she clenched around him, her hole becoming even tighter as she squeezed him. He watched as she opened her mouth and moaned in pleasure while she came around him, as she opened her eyes in wonder at the sensation his cock made her feel.

She didn’t stop riding him, and with just a few more thrusts, he came inside of her with a groan.

They both collapsed on the bed trying to catch their breath, Sakura still on top of him. He didn’t mind that thought, his arms still around her, holding her close. He remembered a time when she flinched away from his touch, and how it hurt him seeing her so vulnerable, knowing that she had been like this because he hadn’t intervened. Because he had hesitated thinking that she needed to be by herself to grieve.

A decision that had almost cost him her life. Never again would he leave her alone like that. He had vowed it to himself that same night he had found her when she had been on the cusp of taking an overdose. His chest tightened as he thought back to that day, when he had almost been too late.

_Almost_.

When he watched her from the shadows in her rooms, knowing that something was wrong, but unable to see the full picture yet. And there he had seen her, sitting on her bed, exhausted from the mission.

From _life_.

And his heart filled with dread when he saw her almost empty out the bottle of pills, and with anger and sadness when she lifted it towards her mouth. For a second he couldn’t believe his eyes. Sakura, beautiful dependable Sakura, who had always been there to lend an ear to her friends in times of needs, who had been there for him in his darkest moments, who had saved his life in war, had now been contemplating suicide. No, not contemplating. Committing.

She had needed someone to be there after the war, and they had failed her because they had been too preoccupied with life. With grief. And Sakura was too kind to ask her friends for help, always putting her friends’ needs above hers. Sometimes, he thought, she was too compassionate. But it was one of the reasons he fell in love with her. And in that moment, he had vowed to help her, to protect her, and to make her happy once again, like she had been before the war had taken away the last bit of her happiness.

“You knew that Sai was going to ask her to marry her, didn’t you?”, he was suddenly brought back to reality by Sakura’s question.

“Hmm, I was on many missions with him after the war, and we often collaborated on those recon missions on the rebel pockets. Spending so much time together, we naturally talked a lot about ourselves, and he told me about his time with team 7, how working together with you and Naruto made him realize what is important about being a shinobi and life. He told me that he wanted to create a better world for the next generation, and for his important people. And when you told me how you helped him select a ring, but how he hadn’t asked her out I connected the pieces. The rebel pockets threatened the peace that the hidden villages worked so hard to create, and he wanted to take care of this threat before he could ask Ino be his wife. At least that’s what I think happened.”

She didn’t reply immediately, but from her question it became obvious to him that she had heard the little titbit about him having fallen in love with her. _What a drag_. He knew that this whole thing was new to her and he didn’t want to spook her. She was still dealing with her grief, and slowly becoming reacquainted with herself, so he didn’t want to pressure her into something that she wasn’t ready for.

She pulled herself up so she could look at his face.

“Ino said that you…like me, is that true?”, she asked, her cheeks tinged a fiery red. With his fingers, he caressed her cheeks trying to chase the color with his fingers.

“You heard that, huh? Well, it’s true, I like you. I’ve liked you for a long time. Since before the war actually.” Ino had teased him mercilessly. Of course, his teammate had immediately recognized his feelings, even though he was quite the expert at hiding his facial expressions. But Ino had shared a cradle with him and Choji, and she knew him better than anyone else, and she had picked up on his feelings.

That day, when he had waited in front of the tower for Sakura, she had teased him as well when he admitted that he was waiting for her. Ino told him to take the first step, and he had. it was ultimately thanks to Ino and her teasing that day that he had finally given in to his urges and kissed Sakura. He couldn’t get her words out of his head. And then, Sakura had hugged him, and he had tried to resist, but then she had looked at him and he had seen the want in her eyes. And he hadn’t been able to help it. He had kissed her.

And how he had loved it. The first touch of their lips had sent a tingle through his body. In that moment he had known that it was the right thing to do. That she was the right one for him. Nara men had always been drawn to strong women. And Sakura, although going through a rough spot, had always been the strongest person he had known.

“Why did you never say anything?”

“Well, you were all over Sasuke at that time. So, I thought I didn’t stand a chance and…well, and then I tried to work it out with Temari. And after the war, everyone just assumed that you would get together with Sasuke, and it was just recently I finally figured out that the two of you weren’t even attempting to date.”

“Sasuke and I would have never worked out. I realized that before the war. To be totally honest, I had a little crush on you back then when we went on so many missions together. But, well, I thought you weren’t interested because you started dating Temari.” He almost laughed out loud at the irony of the situation. So much time had been wasted. But they were together now and that was all that mattered.

“Well we did get there eventually, even if it was through lots of detours.” He gave her a peck.

“Yes, but we did it the wrong way around! We haven’t even gone on a date yet.” She pouted, and he chuckled at that.

“You know, I did try to ask you out on a date before, right?” He turned them around so that he was above her and kissed a trail to her neck.

“What? When?” she asked, surprised.

“That day when we laid beneath the oak tree, before the mission, and that troublesome ANBU interrupted me.” She thought back on that day and finally remembered how he had tried asking her something, but she had been called back for an emergency.

“Oh really? Maybe if you ask again nicely, I might answer you this time.” He chuckled.

“Do you want to have dinner with me?”

“I’d love to have dinner with you.”

“_Finally_.”, he mumbled, and she laughed out loud, the sound making his heart squeeze in happiness. It reminded him of the mission they had taken to tea country, when she had shoved the dango into his mouth by force, and she had laughed so hard at his dumbfounded expression. It had been a long time coming, but finally, he was able to hear her laugh happily again.

He smiled and pulled her down for another kiss.


End file.
